Even If You're Scared

@KurokamiSeigo: Congrats on making the semifinals!

@KurokamiSeigo: Let's celebrate!

The message pops up on my phone at about ten PM on the rare Friday night that I have off, in the middle of me aimlessly wandering around in Brave Spirits Online, eating an instant Extreme Spice Kara Ramen with an egg and green onions thrown in, and drinking a Super Dry. It's the small pleasures in life that satisfy me...mainly because I can't afford the big ones.

My computer's fans are really working hard. Man. I hope it can hang on for a little while longer. If it goes kaput, I'm down to my phone as my only way to contact the outside world.

@rayfar_horizon: what do you mean

@KurokamiSeigo: Go do something fun ofc

@KurokamiSeigo: It's the holidays

You don't have to tell me that again. Over the past couple of weeks, the Kyoudai Mart has become decorated with garlands and holly berries and tinsel, and even the doorbell has changed to Jingle Bells as we try to pretend that we're a destination that people would want to go to on Christmas. If you end up at the Kyoudai Mart on Christmas Eve, either you got dumped or you never had a chance to begin with. Both are equally sad.

@rayfar_horizon: I work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

@rayfar_horizon: so that's probably not an option

@rayfar_horizon: You probably have entrance exams to study for, don't you?

@rayfar_horizon: it feels like I'm taking up too much of your time

@KurokamiSeigo: I'm the one who asked first lol

@KurokamiSeigo: We're on winter break right now so I have plenty of time.

@KurokamiSeigo: I'm not taking entrance exams either

@rayfar_horizon: ...huh? Why not?

@KurokamiSeigo: No reason

Huh. That's odd. You would think that a Seishin student would be working her butt off right now preparing for the entrance exam gauntlet- Toudai, Kyoto U, Waseda, Keio, Rikkyo, Osaka University, so on- if you make it into Seishin, you have a good chance at a Big 6 university in Tokyo. In fact, they pretty much expect it. Something like Aodai is a safety school for them. So that's really weird. And her answer suggests she doesn't want to talk about it-

Oh. I get it. She's going pro. She got a contract from a publisher and is gonna release her debut novel soon.

Still, I don't quite get why she can't be a full-time author and go to college at the same time- I mean, it's not like it's that much of a time commitment...

Forget it. It's her choice, not mine. I have no right to decide what she wants to do in the future.

@KurokamiSeigo: Are you free on the 17th?

@KurokamiSeigo: I have something I'd like to do

I hope it's something cheap. If she wants dinner on the 15th floor of the Tohoku Park Hotel, my goose is cooked. For both of our sakes, her plans better involve nothing fancier than a Maryland Fried Chicken.

@KurokamiSeigo: Can you believe I've lived in Aomori for 18 years and have never gone to the Aodai Christmas Market? Lol

@KurokamiSeigo: Since you go to Aodai, it'll be easy for you! Lol

...I wish she had asked to get reservations at Chez Richard. Sure, the Christmas Market at Aomori University is cheap. You can go there and enjoy it without paying a cent. That's not what I'm worried about.

If I go there, I'm guaranteed to run into someone I know. It's not a matter of if...it's a matter of when. And then they'll start wondering where I've been for the past year, and then they'll realize I dropped out because I have no money, and what will Hashigami think when she finds that out?

@rayfar_horizon: I don't know how I feel about that...

@KurokamiSeigo: I really want to go! （＞0＜；；；）

@KurokamiSeigo: Please?

Damn it, that begging sticker of Lucia from ElCro got me.

@rayfar_horizon: I guess I can handle it

@KurokamiSeigo: Yay! Thanks!

@KurokamiSeigo: Merry Christmas, Rayfar-kun

@rayfar_horizon: Same to you

@KurokamiSeigo is offline.

It's only when I lock my phone and go back to staring at my computer that I realize what a horrible mistake I've made. I should have put my foot down and protested a little bit more, but she got me. Hashigami acted all cute and I didn't know what to do.

The Aomori University Christmas Market and Festival is the weekend before Christmas every year. Every club and circle, from the largest to the smallest, signs up to run a booth- whether it's selling crafts, cooking, or just entertaining, they do it. My photography circle was going to sell prints of our favorite pictures we had taken during the year...and the last day of the festival, I was planning to spend the day with Manago and confess to her at the end.

It'll be my first Aodai Christmas Market as well. I never made it to the one that was supposed to be my first.

I have about ten days to wrack my brain as to how to make myself as inconspicuous as possible while not weirding out Hashigami. I have to disguise myself so that none of my old classmates will recognize it's me. Of course, my hair's gotten longer and scruffier, and I've gotten thinner, but they'll still know who I am. But if I act too much like I'm trying to hide, it'll make Hashigami feel weird, and I want her to have fun and not worry about anything. I owe her so much, the least I could do is go along with her plans.

The morning of Saturday, December the 17th, the gray gauzy clouds have finally broken for what seems like the first time in years, and patches of blue sky peek through the cracks. I can even sort of see the sun's rays. This doesn't mean that it's not cold, though. It's still bitterly cold, and there's about half a meter of fresh white powder on the ground.

A year ago, I was a student on this campus, without a care in the world about anything other than circle activities and next week's exams. Now, I'm just part of the faceless masses crowding into the grounds to visit. In fact, I want to blend in as much as possible.

...My plan of pulling my hood over my head and keeping it down doesn't work. As soon as Hashigami comes around the corner, she frowns slightly and says, "What are you doing?"

She's dressed very nicely. Red sweater, heavy, navy blue jacket, long beige skirt, black knitted hat and mittens, and a large, camel-brown purse on her shoulder...which contrasts with my Unaclo attire. Not in a good way.

"Uh...nothing. Don't mind me."

We start to head for the front gate, blending into the crowd, when I, still hunching over, mutter, "Can we go in through the back way instead?"

Hashigami, still glancing at me with concern, replies, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine...just a stomachache..."

"Are you nervous about something?"

She hit the nail right on the head. But I can't admit it right in front of her.

"No...I swear I'm not..."

"Sakuta-kun, come over this way for a second."

Before I can react, she grabs me by the wrist and starts elbowing her way through the crowd and dragging me behind her. Immediately, my cheeks start to burn.

"Sakuta. Tell me. What's bothering you?" Her big eyes and button nose are less than two centimeters from my face, and now my cheeks are hot enough to roast marshmallows on them. I can't hide it from her. Something's obviously not right, and she knows it.

"...Do you promise not to laugh when I tell you?" I quickly turn away. "Or think of me differently?"

"Of course."

"When I said I went to Aodai...well, I did. For about a year. But then I had to drop out. I couldn't afford it any longer."

When I finally gather the courage to look back at her, she's not surprised, and her mouth isn't open and her eyes aren't wide.

"I knew. Well...I didn't know why you dropped out, but I figured that you did."

"Huh? How did you find out-"

"That girl who was working at the WcDonald's near Seishin told me."

"What? Manago did?" Oh, no. What else did she tell Hashigami? Please, nothing embarrassing...

"Yeah. She was pretty worried about you." Hashigami returns my gaze with a look of steely determination.

"But...I'm afraid to go in...I might see someone I know...no, I will see someone I know...and then they'll realize I dropped out...because I'm broke...and they'll make fun of me..."

"Sakuta-kun...not everyone is as self-centered as you think. That girl really was concerned about you. I bet your other classmates are, too. You don't have to tell them anything, though. If anyone asks where you've been, you tell them it's none of their business."

"I know...but I still don't know if I can do it..." God, this is pathetic. It's just me walking into a festival that's open to the general public and I'm acting like a scared little kid...but I can't help it-

"Yes, you can." Suddenly, a warm, small hand nestles into mine. When I look down, Hashigami's slender fingers are curled around my pale hand. "I'll be right here with you."

My heart's beating faster and faster, but I'm not scared or nervous. A feeling I can't describe is radiating across my body. Suddenly, I feel like I could take on the world.

I don't know what this feeling is, but I don't want it to go away. I don't want her to let go of me.

"Come on. Time to go." She nods as we set off, pulling me behind her.

For the first time in over a year, I enter the campus of Aomori University, my heart drumming a rhythm as I cling tightly to Hashigami's hand amidst the crowd.