Club Crashing, Part 1

Nobu Taniguchi was a swordsman. His given name meant trust, and his family name meant mouth of the valley. Since he was a kid, Nobu was told by his grandfather that swordsmanship ran in their blood. It was even said that their ancestor was a renowned samurai tasked with defending a mountain pass against an invading army. It was clear that this noble warrior’s blood ran thick in young Nobu, who spent his entire childhood diligently honing a skill instead of playing about with the other kids.

If someone were to ask if that made Nobu lonely, he would say… absolutely not! A third-year and about to graduate, he spent every day of his middle and high school years going to Kendo Club. Sure, he didn’t have any friends when he was a kid, but his time at the club forged friendships tougher than steel. He trained so diligently that he was trusted to carry his fellow warriors during tournaments, and at some point, he came to be known as undefeated. Through talent and more hard work than most are able to summon in their entire lives, he earned popularity outside of kendo circles, and crowds of students often visited his club just to see him in action. Sometimes, hard work really does pay off.

Unfortunately for Nobu Taniguchi, he was the one to test me when I tried out for the Kendo Club.

He stands in front of me, shoulders heaving with each heavy breath he tries to draw in through his protective mask. The bamboo practice sword he normally held upwards was dragging along the ground as if he didn’t have the strength or willpower left to use it. As someone holding one for the first time in my life, I feel sort of bad for the guy. Likewise, what the massive crowd around us was feeling was not disappointment, but something altogether more embarrassing.

This is just sad.

To a newbie? How!?

Nobu uh… really is off his game today.

Really?

I looked up to that guy…

Now I regret sliding that letter into his locker. Ugh.

He looks so sweaty under that stuff.

Another victory for Kei Kamiya, he’s all over the place.

Dunno what I was expecting.

Y’know, on second thought, kendo really doesn’t seem all that cool.

The start of the match was going well! Mr. Nobu here had plenty of cheering from that crowd when he told me not to worry, that he’d go easy on me. Maybe it was because he did just that, but he was basically shouting his thoughts at me. Left! Above! Feint! Leg strike! And all that stuff. It was easy to put my sword in the way of those, and before he could even start taking me seriously, the doubt and pressure from his crowd of groupies going silent finished the job. By the end, Nobu was just swinging wildly and without much technique out of panic.

I didn’t have to read his mind again to tell he was falling apart. His rapid glances between me and the uncomfortably quiet sidelines told me everything. I pull off my headgear and walk towards him, patting his shoulder sympathetically.

“Hey, let’s call it quits alright? I don’t think I wanna join the club after all.”

“Eh? But you were so excited to try out…”

“It’s just… not my thing?”

With that, he falls to his knees. If one were to listen carefully, they might hear the awkward, hollow laughter from under his mask. The students swarming the sidelines have mixed reactions; Nobu’s most diehard fans and fangirls simply leave, unwilling to watch something that depressing. Some stay to watch the rest of the tryout matches, and the rest are impressed with me, which is what I was going for.

Why would I try out for the Kendo Club at all, you ask? Well obviously, to show off. The popularity portion of my “Cheat Your Way Into Success’’ three-step plan is just as important as the rest of it. Or am I working on the club activities part? It’s gotten harder and harder to tell the difference lately, but it was never an iron-clad plan anyways. Now, would I be staying here, to cement my status as the rookie that bested this generation’s brightest swordsman?

Nah, like hell I will. I’m not a swordsman, and the Kendo Club isn’t the first one I tried out for. I’m just touring the clubs to make people think I’m a prodigy. Nobody’s been catching on that I’m just cheating my way through it, either.

Absolute scum, that Kamiya guy. How many times does he have to show off his bullshit? Please get hit in the head next time.

Unfortunately for ‘that Kamiya guy,’ this thought didn’t come from one of Nobu’s superfans. If it had, that would be one thing, and I could move on. Forget about it.

But this voice was familiar. I had heard it once at the entrance ceremony, and again each and every time I tried out at a club. It couldn’t be anyone but Miss Top Student herself, Kaori Asano. If I had any idea about why she was following me to all these tryouts, I wouldn’t be half as terrified. And yet she remains unseen, giving away nothing but insults.

“Why does she hate me so much?”

I mutter the words while flipping through club fliers and advertisements on my way to the next tryout. At this point, my bag is practically overflowing with them. I had to pick my targets well, since ESP would only let me cheat through certain activities. Sure, I can predict every move a prodigy of kendo is about to make, but no amount of mind reading would give me an edge at calligraphy when I have no skill with it in the first place. Not to mention the shape I’m in.

So far, my tour has gone well, if not for Kaori’s malice stabbing into me throughout the whole thing. I don’t know how it didn’t occur to me earlier, but telepathy really lets you live life on easy mode. For a few examples…

The Chess and Shogi club was the first one I dipped my toes into. I got there around the same time the student council was dropping by for evaluations, but that didn’t matter much to me. Just like with kendo, I was able to read my opponent’s moves before they made them, so luring even the more experienced members into traps was possible. In the same vein, I knew exactly what the enemy was up to, so I couldn’t fall for theirs. By the end of my 8th victory, I had beaten their president and “casually” mentioned I had never played before. That was true, but my mind reading helped me pick up strategy fairly quickly. Around the same time I made that comment was when I heard Kaori’s inner voice:

Cheeky bastard. He’s just tryin’ to make these guys feel bad. Trash. I bet he no-lifed one of those chess sites at home…

The Cinema Club came next. I am actually a fan of American films, so I had an easy time blending in. Reading the room (literally) to find the opinions the largest number of people would agree with was made easy with telepathy. Kaori’s inner voice reacting to my conversations definitely made me jump, though.

Man, this guy’s tastes are all over the place. None of ‘em line up, he’s so fake. There’s no way he likes foreign stuff so much when his English scores were so low last year…

Soccer was my first try at a sports club, and though I had played before as a kid, never outshined anyone. Of course, I was able to tell exactly where each player intended to take the ball. Apparently, I was the best interceptor anyone had seen outside of TV, but it left me pretty out of breath.

He’s moving like a pro but has shitty stamina, scrawny bastard must have bribed a few of his opponents. He’s the worst…

Drama Club was a challenge. I started out making all of the rookie mistakes one would expect, but the entire club’s feedback, scathing comments, and criticisms were fed to me directly. It was satisfying seeing the crowd’s reactions as I improved mid-performance. I even took a risk and volunteered for a script I hadn't read, even once. The club president reading along during the whole thing let me nail each line. It was exhausting though, so I doubt I’ll be back. Sorry, Shakespeare!

Ugh! The hell is his deal!? Does that human trash have an earpiece in, or something???

The Host Club? Honestly, I didn’t expect this one to actually exist but apparently it’s popular among the third year female students. I was feeling pretty confident after my last victory, so I went for it. I never had enough charm to be a pickup artist, but my name got around enough from my last few conquests that they let me in for a tryout.

Why does this club exist at all? What a pig. I’ll put in a request to get it shut down.

Tennis Club? I had a great defense, knowing which way the enemies were aiming.

Trip and fall, dumbass!

Volleyball? See above!

Hah? He looks so gross when he’s out of breath. Just stop breathing already.

Then just moments ago, the Kendo Club.

And now, I’m holding the flier for the one club still offering tryouts today:

The Basketball Club. Honestly, all these sports clubs are starting to get on my nerves. They helped get my name out there, but what can I say? I’m lazy. Even if I know what my opponent is up to, I still have to work for a win. I can’t even use mind-reading to get an advantage in things like Track and Field or Fitness Club. If I have anything to say about it, this’ll be the last sports club I show off at!