Existence Is Similar To Sisyphus and Wu Gang

I sat on my normal seat in the back. Meanwhile, Minoru-san sat closer to the middle section. It was dead silent. Eerie even. I was about to go into a deep sleep when Minetaka-sensei greeted us both.

Both of us responded with our own greetings. Then Minetaka-sensei gave the background to the whole meeting.
“Use this time as a way to just talk about random things. Honestly. You can use me as an emotional punching bag. I know that I’m slow to understand, but I just really want you guys to be better, that’s it.”

What honourable intentions, Sensei.

I’ll start off. Might as well get all of it off my chest. But I had one question.

“This will be entirely confidential, right sensei? Like, unless I was a threat to life or it’s criminal, you’re not going to tell anyone - right?”

“Yes, Honzo. That is correct. Same with you, Kikuchi.”

We both nodded in agreement. Off I start. I hope my voice is clear enough. It’s going to be a long one. I stood up like a vulnerable soldier facing the bullets. Everything straightened up. Let’s begin.

“My name is Honzo. I’m a 2nd-year student. I suffer from regular bouts of depersonalization. It’s hard to explain, but at the same time, it’s really not. I feel disconnected from reality. I’m seeing myself in third-person. Reality isn’t real for me if that makes sense. But it’s a genuine feeling of what I am seeing is not at all connected to me. It’s all subjective… I know. Life is subjective, but your sense of self should seem objective - right? It’s not for me. Everything sucks.”

I’m not done. I gave myself a small brief pause to breathe in. Everyone in the room awaited my next response. Here I go again. I spoke.

“And when everything goes well, there’s another voice in the back of your head - that’s actually yours, telling you it’s not. Then everything starts falling apart and you pick up the pieces and everything goes great. Until it doesn’t. You feel like everything is against you. Vulnerable.”

I don’t think I’m feeling any catharsis. It’s not really working. I think I have to get to what is possibly the root of the issue. Fuck. I really did not want to go through it. Why am I even saying it? I would rather not. But everyone’s looking at me so attentively. I’ll have to conclude it.

“I have a guess as to why. I’ve been suffering from some trauma. My cousins were killed in a vehicular accident that wasn’t even their fault. No one blames them but my uncle blames himself. There was literally nothing they could have done. A speeding truck driver just crashed into them at a stop light. I had to see it in front of my thirteen-year-old eyes. My auntie was gasping for her last breaths. It was horrible. Just the amount of blood and the mangled mess of a car. The iron smell. I couldn’t even see my cousins as they were under the wreck. What was even worse was seeing the truck driver walk out unscathed. I wanted to murder him on the spot. Soon, the police came and arrested him on the scene. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter but only got a few years. I hate it. I hate it.”

Am I crying? I can feel the tears slightly flow. It wasn’t like hysterical tears or anything. Just watery eyes. I’m not trying to downplay it. Honest to God. But it was slightly cathartic. Maybe this was the first time I’ve cried in years? Why did I think it was a good idea to speak in front of these two? Is it because I feel safer with acquaintances? So many questions that I don’t think I’ll answer until I feel more comfortable with myself.

I sat myself down. Whilst seated, I noticed both of them looking at me with a sense of deep understanding. Or maybe I’m just making it up. I don’t know anymore. Whatever. I did feel a slight sense of genuine emotion. It was pushing out from within. Like a seed. Growing out of a shell.

I guess it helped a little. Maybe Minetaka-sensei was right? Although it felt like I was using myself as the punching bag instead.

Minetaka tried to comfort me.

“I’m sorry Honzo. I really am sorry you had to face a great loss. I won’t lie to you and tell you that I’ve had a similar situation. I haven’t. But I do comprehend that this was a deeply traumatic event for you.”

Duh. Obviously? Imagine seeing three people die, let alone one of your closest relatives.

“I’m sorry too that you had to see that. My condolences.” said the despondent Minoru-san.

I appreciated both of their comments, even if I felt they were insincere. Whatever. I’m just saying that to make myself feel distant. I don’t really recognize it anymore. The words that appear in my head just seem antagonising. Even the words ‘I love you’ appeared and I felt like I wanted to smash a vase over my head to feel something.

My cousins were around my age too. Daisuke and Naoki. Both of them were twins. My heart literally hurts. I can feel its heaviness on me. Heart. Suddenly, I could hear random things that weren’t there. Maybe I upgraded to schizophrenia? Give me those antipsychotics that lead to Parkinson-like symptoms! It’s clear I stressed myself too much. I should’ve done it in increments instead of trying to go for one big eureka. That never happens. Life is not one easy narrative. It just happens.

Look at World War 1. Did it start because of nationalism? What about family issues? German expansionism? It doesn’t matter. 20 million people were killed for no real reason. The status quo.

That’s kind of how I feel after the incident. I had to watch my dearest aunt Shiho die in front of me with her last breaths. My uncle Koji ran from the house, pleading with her to stay awake. It was all too cruel. Everything plays out distorted. There was no real reason it had to happen. Shiho only drove the car out to get a better position on the other corner. It was a matter of fact. It could’ve been Koji driving. Maybe delay it by a few seconds?

Koji was never the same. It was to be expected, one would suppose. The next few days I came back and entered school. Then, I gave it some thought. School is nothing more than lonely people making friends with other lonely people. Rarely, was a real connection formed. I stopped talking to my friends Kenji, Mai, and Yusuke. I became more into anime and the aforementioned media that I loved. I was invested in myself only. I this. I that. Just me, myself, and I. Then, all of a sudden the opposite occurred. I saw myself as an outsider. There wasn’t even an I, to begin with.

It hit me as a 14-year-old, back then.

Why don’t I just not care about the world?

It was brilliant.

I shut myself from the outside. My onee-san tried to help but she couldn’t comprehend the loss and sorrow. But then, she did too. Shiho loved my onee-san.

So, I became a hypocrite. I claimed to hate talking to others, but I really don't. Hence, why I kept up my superficial social skills.

That’s how I got into this place; I suppose. But enough really is enough. I need to start taking initiative. The truth was the onus was always on me. It’s not time to let go because I haven’t healed. But I do think I will.

After indulging in my thoughts, I looked at Minoru. He seemed to have some confidence. I suspect I knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth. I sat back and this time, I was going to be the spectator.

Third-party.

Minoru sat slouched. He seemed to not really care too much. If you ask me, he would probably rather be out playing football or something. Definitely not here. He wasn’t indifferent but he also wasn’t too empathetic to my situation. Then again, neither was I. It was probably how I felt when he told me that his uncles were in prison for murder and his mother got shot and killed. You know what. Repeating that out loud in my head, it kinda is a lot more poignant than when I heard it. I think I can put two and two together. His uncles probably got caught in the act of revenge, I guess.

“So, following that topic, I’m Minoru Kikuchi. I love soccer. I’m half Cambodian, half Japanese and I’m an American citizen. That’s it for a basic background. I was born in Long Beach, California.”

Then Minoru noticed that both I and Sensei do not know where Long Beach is. What’s Long Beach? He then continued on what he was saying.

“Los Angeles, if you guys don’t know where that is. You want to know what I identify as? I’m Cambodian-American. If you do your research on our area, you’d think that all we know is guns, drugs, and trauma. Our community came to the United States from the killing fields. Do your research about it. I love Long Beach. I love Cambodia Town. My dad moved me here for my own safety but all I do is look over my shoulder, stare at any car, and peep at people's faces. Learned behaviours never end.”

Minoru-san said it in a weird mixture of super formal Japanese, but then he would add slang to it. I think, if I remember Kenji correctly, that Minoru moved to Japan only two years ago. His dad taught him Japanese as a child, but his Japanese is clearly accented. I’ll be fair, I shouldn’t really judge him, because he knows three languages. Khmer, Japanese, and English. I wish I learnt English. Imagine all the media accessible to me, without waiting for translations? The number of opportunities I would have.

Sensei gave a slightly jokey comment. He said, “Well, our food’s probably not as good but I really hope you integrate well here.” I don’t think it was received particularly well by Minoru-san, but he was diplomatic enough to give a courtesy laugh.

Wait, that's it? I thought he was going to break down and cry after telling his story! He didn’t even really tell his story. So, I just feel like a chump? When can I return to the romcom parts of my school days like it’s been recently? In front of me was one dude with PTSD and the other a teacher who is not at all equipped to deal with the trauma from these two students. And as for me? I am not equipped to handle empathising with other people. Just not for me, I’m afraid. You can take that last sentence and split it in two if that’s what you want to interpret.

Then we kind of just had a transition from a serious discussion about the mental health crisis in Japan. Sensei said that it sounds like nothing has changed from when he was a kid our age. Definitely a fish out of water. But actually, I am definitely doing Sensei a disservice. At least he’s trying his best. It sounds like this whole club is outside the framework of school administration. As for me? I suspect that the trauma isn’t that huge an influence. I really believe most of my issues arise from questioning existence.

Let’s ignore this for now. The sun suddenly disappeared from the scene. It was only 15:20. I then had a sudden realization; it might start to rain. I could sense an earthy smell. You know the one. Gracefully, a blissful wind started to enter the room. The pressure gradient was only beginning to increase. Ridiculous. I thought the weather app said clear skies. Crazy how wrong these weather predictions can be. I looked at the ghostly grey skies. As if the spirits were so depressed with my story. As I sat, leaning towards my desk as we chatted, the sounds of crackle began.

Sensei made a comment. “I suppose we’ll all be here for longer than expected, eh?”

I told him “Yeah, I guess we all are.”

Wanting to converse more with Minoru-san, I asked him “Where do you live?”

“I live in Minami-ward. By the ash blocks.”, he responded.

Confused by the term ‘ash blocks’ I inquired about it. “Ash blocks? What do you mean Minoru-san?”

Asserting his authority, Minoru gave me direct eye contact. “It’s a name that we call it. It’s the Danchi.”

Once he said he lived in danchi, all I could envision were old families and lonely dead bodies. That’s sadly the reputation old social housing has nowadays. No one seems to care.

“You live in the danchi? I thought Nagoya was going to remove them all?”

I further asked about it.

“There’s a few Cambodians and other Asian immigrants that live there. We’re proud of our area. I mean, I just moved in and it’s the only place in Japan that truly feels like home.”

What ash-coloured social housing buildings were there? Scratch that, what building in Nagoya wasn’t ash coloured? Wish it was all off-white instead. At least Nagoya would be dripped out. I love my city indeed.

“Okay, but like - what’s the actual name?”

Sensei told me to calm down, I think he could sense I was slightly frustrated at the roundabout way Minoru spoke about where he lived. Seemingly, the background of rain made things peaceful. It really wasn’t. I think even an ant could sense the tension in the air and run back to their society, in fear of dying. Even ants can show the capacity to be individuals to an extent. At least, that’s my perspective.

“Alright, if you keep insisting - it’s a place called Hoshocho. The ash blocks are actually Hoshidanchi.”

You know what. I was thinking more about a notorious complex known as Naruko-danchi. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this place. I do know about Minato-ward having a lot of danchi, but then again - what place in Japan didn’t have danchi? Also, I don’t even know why I’m discussing it like it’s a taboo. It’s not really.

Just wait a minute. How long is that commute to this school?

“If you live in Minato-ward, why do you go to this school? Isn’t that an hour-long by public transport?”

Minetaka-sensei stepped into the conversation as an intermediary.

“Actually Honzo, Kikuchi’s family originally lived in Nakagawa-ward in temporary housing. He still goes to this school because, well, he enjoys his peers here.”

Minoru gave a nod. I assumed what the Minetaur said was acceptable to him.

It was still an overpour. I didn’t bring my umbrella. If one were to stand in this weather for a minute, they would drown and die. Did I miss a walking session with Kenji, Nishi-chan, and Saya-chan for this? Just for a little bit of catharsis? It wasn’t even particularly effective. I’m literally now back to my snarky self - who doesn’t even have a consistent sense of self. Self-serving.

Sensei stood up and asked “How are you guys doing with studying? We have late May exams coming out soon.”

Minoru-san, with a smile on his face, told him “I’m doing well. Probably. Better than someone in my situation would.”

You know, I have to admit Minoru is a good cunning liar. He has to be if he’s selling fake counterfeit goods to people and making profit. Or at least enough money to support his father and brother. Because I doubt what he says. I honestly think he is not doing well in academics. I see this guy playing football on the streets every day. That is not hyperbole. I saw him dribbling a ball all the way to the train station. Crazy. Dodging cars and dodging cyclists.

By the way, there’s an issue of cyclists (totally not from our school), speeding down on the pavements. Last week, a cyclist hit an elderly woman and gave her a hip injury. I hope it wasn’t serious. Either way, we were given a stern lecture about calming down when cycling. This nation is full of rabid cyclists who should honestly drop the pedal and just walk. Walking is good for you. I’m the type to walk to the city centre to save money, plus it’s just healthy for the body.

As for me, in this academic discussion, I just told the truth.

“I’m doing okay. One might say I would be succeeding to a point too.”

I didn’t tell the truth. Although, I am not struggling! Let me make that so clear. Crystal. Glass. What other transparent objects are there? Let me just type on my phone as I think this out. Ah! I got one. Cellophane. They know me for my masterful crafting of the Japanese language. Call me… wait, let me find some Japanese writers. That’s weird. A few days ago, I could name you many and now the only one I can think of is Yukio Mishima. Who I dislike by the way. I think he’s a whiny nihilist writer who fell in love with his own romantic lies about the state of Japan.

Here we go again, you might think. Another topic for a rant by Honzo! And with the soothing rain in the background, I guarantee you will be thinking deeply about this one. Why do Japanese writers tend to be so psychological? I read a Mishima book a year ago. I think it was The Temple of the Golden Pavilion. It was actually a decent book contrary to my thoughts on Mishima’s character. But it was that book that made me recognize a pattern. Was it that Japan’s scenery is actually boring and looking within oneself is more interesting? Certainly, entertaining enough to touch people’s souls when they read classic novels. Then I realized something. Even our media for children is psychological in some respects! Look, reader! Make it make sense! Because it certainly doesn’t to me. Look. I’ve regressed so badly that I’m devolving into a deranged rant. Japanese writers need to write about their surroundings too, you know!

Come to think about it. I have nothing interesting around me to describe. The window was windowing. The board was bordering on being a board. Sturdy board. Good board.

Fair point to my Japanese predecessors. Or at least that suggests I’m not as good at producing creative thoughts as I think I am.

I noticed a little bit of whiteness creeping through the windows. My sixth sense kicked in. It was likely that the clouds were dissipating. Good. The classroom felt a little bit smaller now. Deep in my thoughts, I wondered if that effect was due to the power of good lighting. Minoru-san seemed to not care. He just sat slouched, bored out of his soul. That’s right. He was so bored that he moved out of his soul to the next thing - whatever that may be. Come to think of it, in science, there’s discussion of whether matter is finely divisible. Wait. I think the actual term was infinitely divisible. What does finely divisible even mean? Anyway, if there were such things outside of mainstream physics that existed, such as souls, would they be infinitely divisible? What is the quark to a soul? So many questions. However, I’m not smart enough to answer them. I don’t even do well in science. Sadly, I just watch too many science videos by random YouTubers. That’s despite not getting the ideas they communicate. They’re not even in my top 5 forms of media. Maybe I should revise that list in a few weeks.

We all chatted away for a few more minutes. Minetaka-sensei all told us to focus on work, especially on science. Like he was a mind reader. The wind started to meander throughout the classroom. It was chilly for mid-April. However, the rain was gone. Just white skies, with a bit of blue punching through the paper. Deep blue punctures. As I looked around the classroom, I started noticing details that I conveniently ignored. There was a cupboard in the corner behind the desk that had a Winnie the Pooh plushie. Strange. I don’t know how I haven’t noticed that. There was also a corkboard to the right, with pinned drawings and such. I’ll be honest. Looking at them from afar, I could tell those drawings were crudely coloured. I assume that must’ve been Minetaka’s children. It was basically 16:00 now. Sensei wrapped things up. I really don’t seem to recognize this classroom now - then again, we’ve been here for only a few weeks. I’ll need to actually start caring about my surroundings now.

“That was pretty productive, I think. It’s nice to get to know you two together, even if the school seems to think you both are… let’s put it frankly, troublemakers.”

He said it with a bit of honesty. Which is fine.

Minoru gave a slightly satisfied look to the Minetaur. He didn’t seem strict today as usual. I forgot that I wanted to ask further as to why he didn’t let me be class rep, but Sayako will probably do a good job. She’s fantastically competent. That’s who most of the class assumed would be the class representative. I just wanted to be the rep to better myself. Nevertheless, I’ve found new avenues to actually… maybe finally find myself? I don’t know. I think the sense of self has to be built, not found. At any rate, I’m sure I’ll be a better person. I’m only 16 and going on 17. Mentally, 99 going on 100.

Surely, there will be a change. Probably.

No self-doubt whatsoever. Ha. Self.

By the way, I don’t know how the school thinks I’m a troublemaker? Is it the way I dress? My aura? I quite literally have never wanted to commit a crime. I’ve never wanted to hurt a single human being in my life! Ignore earlier thoughts and that past memory. Please.

Minoru stood up and put his bag on. It was poetic. He stood out with such ice smooth flow. His movement, one could only liken to the flight of an eagle. Elegance. With one arm being the foundation as to where his backpack was clinging to, he held his strap.

Then he spoke.

“I’m off then. I assume we’ll be having these conversations weekly, sensei?”

Minetaka-sensei nodded. With his fingers caressing his chin, he said “Of course Kikuchi-kun. You as well, Honzo-kun. The next meeting doesn’t have to be this long. It was just that this was an introduction. Obviously, you’re welcome to not participate anymore if you don’t want to. This isn’t an official thing by the school, it was my own idea.”

I uttered “Alright then, I will take my leave too. See you all next week. Have a good weekend, Minoru-san and Minetaka-sensei.”

Next, I gave a straight bow. I’m not one for courtesy and whatnot, but I did feel like I needed to, given the vulnerability and openness this meeting did have.

Minoru reciprocated towards me as well. Sensei told us no need to be so formal. Well, too bad. I wanted to.

I left the classroom with Minoru-san.