XIV. stupid

Stupid.

So stupid.

I shouldn't have let Nase kidnap me. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it. By the end of the day, it'd gotten so bad that, instead of heading straight to the theater, I asked Nase if I could watch the team play for a little bit so I could 'learn the basics'. Since he was stupid, he believed me, and he said yes. I'd only been at this soccer field once before: during the club fair last year. Avoiding it had since become my number one talent... (until now). 

Just five minutes. Then I'd leave. 

Once we got there, he said, "Nice, nice, it's still raining," before running off to chase balls for an hour and a half like an imbecile. I would've sit at the bleachers if not for that comment. The 'rain' was but a drizzle anyway. Instead, I stood next to the field. 

My phone buzzed. Again. Again. Again.

...right.

stalker-chan: where are you I can't find you :3

stalker-chan: did you check out the songs I sent? :3

(I hadn't. Kind of hard to do so in the middle of class.)

stalker-chan: I forgot Yuki was in the same club as you ToT

It was around that time that I realized five minutes had turned to fifteen. Hanamura's last message read:

stalker-chan: you should've told me you found me annoying

"What. Fuck."

I had to walk back to the bleachers lest my phone succumb to the 'rain'. I didn't feel like texting her, so I just gave her a call. Meanwhile, a swarm of girls next to me screamed as Nase scored a goal, like it wasn't just finishing drills. They used to do the same in middle school, but the guy they yelled for was the goalkeeper instead. For some reason. He was an asshole. That was probably the reason.

Hanamura picked up. "Hello," she said. "Who's this?"

"So you're one of those people who answers without checking the ID."

"Uh. Um."

"Holding your mom hostage right now."

"...oh, it's Saku... Wata... kun. I'm sorry for, uh. Leaving. Yeah. Yuki told me what you guys talked about, so you don't have to force yourself on me or anything. Wait, that sounds bad. You know what I meant."

I could not for the life of me recall saying anything that could equate to finding Hanamura annoying during Hoshino's interrogation. Had I...? No? The closest thing to a negative had been admitting I found Hoshino to be cuter than Hanamura, which wasn't even true anymore. Still, denying this outright would seem... suspicious... maybe...? "What exactly did she tell you?" I asked instead. 

"It's hard to talk about it by phone."

"Unless you can teleport, you should still be close to the school. Just come back."

"Okay. Fine. I'll tell you. Don't try to deny this or anything, by the way, b-because it's something you'd do. I think. So, first, she said that you're only talking to me because you like doing that with people who don't, uh, talk to other people, so that's why you're talking to me. I thought you were just grouchy in general but she said that that's not true and that it's because you, um. Yeah. What I told you about before. She also told me not to tell you, but I didn't want you to think that I'm ungrateful or anything, so yeah. Thank you."

I took the phone away from me for a moment so I could sneeze. Right. With my luck, I'd get a cold at this point. If I'd been able to chase balls for an hour and a half like an imbecile, I would've shot one through the net as the ball caught fire like in one of those animes. Upon pulling my phone back, I began, "That's—" then sneezed again. "Ugh. Sorry." Few things were worse than people coughing against one's ear instead of having the decency to withdraw for a moment. 

"No. It's fine."

"I didn't mean—"

"You should've. T-told me that before instead of acting all. All. Um. All. Like that."

"Wait, are you crying?"

"No." She sniffed. I also hated when people did that, but I let it pass for now.

"Where are you?" I asked. "Just stay there. I'll go look for you."

"No."

"Please."

Neither she nor I spoke for some time. Maybe that surprised her, too. I had to stop covering my mouth with the back of my hand whenever I said something without thinking. It was weird and pointlessly self-sabotaging. Hanamura sniffed again. "My mascara's all ruined."

"Just tell me where you are."

"Why? So you can keep making fun of m-me behind my back with Yuki?"

"Did she tell you that?"

"It's also something you'd do."

Ouch. It wasn't true, probably, but I couldn't say anything in return. 

"Sorry," she said, then hung up.

Calling her again was a fruitless endeavor. Had I gone to the club I was actually part of and they wouldn't have met, so this wouldn't have happened. Poetic irony or something. So stupid. Even if I didn't text Hanamura because I didn't know what to say, I looked for her anyway.

Not at the first year hallways.

Not at the school entrance.

This would be easier if I knew her, really knew her, not just texted and talked about random nothings. 

Not at the—wait, no, bad idea. Theater room bad. Too late: they saw me. "There you are!" Called out Nomura, for I'd lingered too much at the edge of the hallway leading to The Room. I would've run, but it would've been pathetic even by my standards. Instead, I sighed, looking away as she approached me. "Are you seriously skipping when you have an audition next week? The teacher has been looking for you everywhere and she yelled at me because you keep being a lazy little—"

"Wait, she seriously yelled at you?" I would've laughed at her had I not felt like the weather. 

As if noticing this, she mellowed a bit. "...yeah. Just stop being a lazy piece of shit and come with me. I did not mean it in that way."

"In what way?"

"Just follow me."

I didn't. 

She stopped walking a short distance away, presumably once she realized this. "You're gonna lose," Nomura told me.

I shrugged.

"You're gonna get kicked out."

"Maybe."

She shrugged back, passively-aggressively. "Well. If you don't care, then I guess I won't care, either. Have fun skipping."

Instead of aggressively-passively replying 'I will' like I should have, I asked: "Is Hoshino there?"

"Maybe." She went back to the theater. 

...so yes.

Well. 

Despite having been in the club for only a few months, Nomura had become more of a president than Murase, more of a mentor than the teacher whose name I kept forgetting. No one had told her to do this, and what did she get in return? Madness. Having said that, she'd probably take over it next year, and it'd look good in a resume or whatever. As for me, I'd choose the audition piece tomorrow. Maybe.

It took two tries and a suspicious look for someone to tell me what class Hanamura was in. When I reached it, she wasn't there, though.

me: I'll take the toast tomorrow. See you th

Did that sound pushy?

I hope I s

No. 

me: I

—couldn't think of anything.