What I Didn't Want to Say

As soon as the door to my tiny rat trap of an apartment creaks open, I feel like I've melted from shame and turned into a puddle.

The only good thing about it is that the snow isn't blowing inside. It's still freezing cold and the walls are so paper-thin that both of us can hear the wind howling as if we were still in the middle of the storm.

The old light clicks on with a hum, illuminating a tattered blue futon, a laptop set on a charger in the middle of the room, a pile of dirty clothes next to my makeshift bed, and a small kerosene heater shoved into the corner. To our right is a tiny nook where my makeshift kitchen- cooktop, toaster oven, microwave and minifridge- are all placed haphazardly around a sink. In a small closet is the cheapest washing machine money can buy.

I don't even have a guest futon. If Hashigami didn't realize I'm broke yet, she does now. Seriously, this is pathetic.

But if she's shocked by how tiny and shoddy my apartment is, she's not showing it. Instead, she just brushes her coat, wet with melting snow, off and takes off her shoes.

"Sorry about the temperature. Let me turn the heater on..." My family used to own a kotatsu for these sorts of chilly, stormy days. I don't have one, though. They're way too expensive.

I quickly hit the button on the heater and it whirrs to life. Unlike the old one that broke down, this one is pretty quiet. It's good for most days- but it does nothing to conceal the sound of the wind howling and the cheap metal roof buckling and banging with every gust.

"So...this is my home. Sorry about the size...and the atmosphere."

"It's no big deal." Hashigami slips her coat off. "Pardon the intrusion."

"You can use the futon tonight...I don't have one for guests. I'm sorry. I'll sleep on the floor." Hashigami already has it bad enough having to stay the night in this dump...I can't heap more misery on top of that.

"Are you sure?" A look of concern forms on her face. "I mean, I'm the one who's imposing on you..."

"Of course I'm sure. You're a guest."

"Well, all right then...if you insist..." Clearly realizing that there's nowhere to sit in the living area, or anywhere for that matter, she slumps down on the futon in the corner. Outside, the wind screams and the corrugated tin roof above us rattles so hard you would think it was about to fly off and land in the yard of a house three kilometers down the road.

Man, this is awkward. There's nothing to do in this little broom closet- no entertainment, no nothing- and Hashigami knows it too. She's already curled her arms around her knees, bringing them up to her body as she sits, covering half her face. It's the posture of a little kid bored out of his gourd. The only positive thing I can say about this apartment right now is that it's so cold that all the bugs that make their presence known in the summer are dead.

"Do you want dinner?" I quickly open the small fridge. All I have are a couple bottles of water, three cans of Super Dry, a half-eaten container of natto, yesterday's leftover rice, two eggs, and a sorry-looking, shriveled green onion. The pantry (if you could call the small cabinet that) has exactly two tubs of instant noodles and a thing of rice. "Or some tea or something? I don't have much, though."

"No, I'm not hungry-" Whatever Hashigami finished her sentence with is lost to the sound of a powerful gust of wind howling and rattling the one window that this apartment has.

I figure I ought to at least offer her some cheap convenience store tea- that's the best I can do as a host. I stand at the counter, waiting for the kettle to boil, while the only sounds are the wind blowing and the roof rattling. It's getting more and more awkward by the second.

Hashigami has pulled the futon over her knees in a sort of makeshift kotatsu when I return from the kitchen, bearing two cheap Deiso white porcelain mugs filled with even cheaper tea. "Here. I made some for you."

"Thanks." Hashigami, still curled up in a ball, reaches a hand out from under the futon and grabs one of the mugs from me. I slump back on the wall, close enough to her that I can see her, but not so close that it'll get any more awkward. Not like we needed any help for that to happen.

Using the futon as a blanket honestly does look pretty comfortable...but she's using it. Unless she wants to share...no way. You wanna talk about awkward...doing that would bring the mood all the way down to Tartarus. Not even all married couples share beds.

Wait...I sleep in that futon, and she's using it nonchalantly. She must realize that, right? And she doesn't care.

The wind continues to moan and screech as Hashigami and I slowly sip the finest tea the Kyoudai Mart has to offer. It's too bitter and it has the distinct aftertaste of dirt. Well...that's the best you get when you're broke.

After what seems like an eternity, I break the monotony of the wind and the snow. "So, what do you think? This place is a dump, right?"

"I wouldn't go that far..." Hashigami looks to the side, embarrassed.

"It's not gonna hurt my feelings. I never wanted to live here in the first place...but I can't afford to move."

Hashigami's long eyelashes flutter as she stares down into her cup. Neither of us speak for a few seconds. Then, finally, she says softly, "...I had no idea you had it this bad. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I ended up here long before I ever met you. You have nothing to do with it."

Hashigami slowly turns her head to look at me, still cradling the mug, with it covering the bottom half of her face. Her eyes are so big and round. "I feel bad about it. Because you're my friend. And...I care about you."

"Uh...thanks." Crap. I can feel my cheeks are about to light up like Rudolph's nose. I thought that nobody in the world cared about my plight but me. I rolled snake eyes in the game of life and now I have to deal with the consequences of my awful luck, suffering forever in silence with no one even bothering to glance in my direction, let alone reach out a helping hand. But that's not true anymore. Hashigami cares. She said so herself.

I sigh, taking a long, deep breath. "I bet if you went back in time and showed seven-year-old me my life now, he'd think he was having a bad dream. I had it made, and then bad luck, or fate, screwed everything up. And now I'm out of money and working at a Kyoudai Mart for minimum wage, without a car, or a bike, or hope for the future."

"Can't your parents help you?" Hashigami returns to staring at her cup contemplatively. "Or did they kick you out or something?"

"I wish it was just that. They died in a car accident last year. Both of them. I grew up in a little town and my family owned a ryokan and that's where they lived. I was supposed to inherit it. The bank took it. Every last centimeter of it. Two days after my parents died, a lawyer pulled me aside after the funeral and told me that my parents owed ten million in debt and didn't have enough assets to pay. Either I renounced my rights to the inheritance, or I would be on the hook for everything until the day I died. So I had to do it. It was the only choice I had. I got left with nothing, and had to drop out. And that's why I'm here. I don't have any place to go back to."

I can't face Hashigami. It's too embarrassing. "My parents gave up everything for me to have a good future, and I never appreciated it, or even realized it. So it got taken from me. It's honestly what I deserve."

All is quiet for a second, then Hashigami softly mutters, "No. It's not your fault. Life decided to be unfair to you, for no reason. You're just like me."

"What do you mean?"

"My mom got sick and passed away five years ago. I've been living on my own ever since. Her life insurance money is close to running out."

"Wow...That's awful. Did something happen to your dad, too-"

"He ran off before I was born. I don't know where he is, who he is, what he looks like...if he shows up tomorrow, I don't want anything to do with him." Hashigami looks at me, and for a brief second I see a smoldering ember of anger in her eyes. "She really loved him, and she thought he did too...and then she got pregnant and he ran off on her. If my existence caused him to do that...it hurt Mom so badly. He can burn in hell for all I care."

"...I never knew."

My mind flashes back to that day on the bridge, where I called her a rich, clueless idiot who relied on her parents to bail her out of everything and never had to work for anything in her life. I was wrong. I was so wrong it's ridiculous. When I was just entering college and my dreams hadn't been shattered into a million pieces, she had already lost both parents. When I didn't have a care in the world, she had to take care of herself. I don't know- maybe she has friends or other family members who can help- but no one can ever replace your mom and dad. I know that.

God. I want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

"I've never told anyone this," Hashigami says softly, staring down at the floor. "Not even any of my friends."

"...I haven't, either. I don't have any friends. I lost contact with them when I had to drop out."

"You have me." For the first time since we left the Aodai campus, a smile crosses Hashigami's lips.

I'd never told anyone about how awful I had it. There was no one I was close enough to confide in, and no one likes a whiner. So I grinned and bore it, for one long, painful year. And now that I've finally spoken about it to someone instead of living with these awful memories for so long, it feels like the weight on my shoulders that I've had for so long has been lifted. Like I can smile just like Hashigami even though she's had to deal with just as much as I have. Like I can see the good things about my life, as bad as it is.

"You look cold." She glances in my direction. "You wanna get under the futon?"

"Uh- Ah- No, thanks..." I am cold, but I'd rather be awkward out here than be awkward in Hashigami's personal space-

"You can have it." She kicks off the covers. "I need a bath. Or a shower or something. You have one, don’t you?"

"The bathroom's that door." I point to a small door that looks like the entrance to a closet across from the kitchen nook. The bathroom's even tinier than the apartment- just barely big enough to fit a tub, shower head and drain- and the amount of privacy you get is zero. You open the door and you're right in front of the kitchen and the entrance way. If you're in your birthday suit, that's trouble. Not like it matters for me- I don't have anyone over...except for now. Now it matters.

It takes barely a few seconds for the bathroom door to close. I can't hear the sound of the shower running- the wind howling and the roof rattling are drowning it out. It's honestly pretty good. If I could hear the faucet going and the water draining, I'd start imagining what's going on in there...and then I'd have thoughts...images are still popping up in my head, even though I can't see or hear anything...ugh...get your mind out of the gutter, Kou.

I spend the next thirty minutes browsing my phone, trying desperately to keep my mind off imagining Hashigami in the tub...but it's not working. They're like gnats. I fight off one lewd thought and three more pop up in its place.

...If she knew what I was thinking right now, she'd crack my nuts just like she did to that guy on the bus.

Ugh. Keep it together. You have self-discipline, Kou Sakuta. Keep reading this article about the terracotta warriors in China-

"Hey, Sakuta-kun!"

I jolt in surprise at the voice coming out of the bathroom.

"What?"

"I don't have a change of clothes!"

Damn it. That's the last thing I needed to hear right now. My imagination's about to go crazy. And then I'll get...excited. I just know it.

Kou Sakuta, you are disgusting.

"W-what do you need me to do?"

"Can I borrow something from you? I'll wash it."

Quickly, I dig through the clothes pile like a gopher, trying to find something that isn't obviously dirty or torn. I only have t-shirts and tracksuits, and barely any at that. My one "going out" outfit that isn't a tracksuit is the one that I have on right now.

"Are these okay?" Hurriedly, I approach the bathroom door, squinting my eyes and holding out the clothes I grabbed. If the door opens, I don't want to see anything I shouldn't, but at the same time, I wouldn't mind if I got a peek...

The door cracks, steam billows from the opening, and a small, pale arm darts out, snatches the clothes, and quickly retreats from where it came.

A few minutes later, the door opens, Hashigami steps out. She looks like a little kid who's just tried on her mom's clothes- the sleeves go all the way to the tips of her fingers as she desperately tries to shake them down her arms, and the pant legs are dragging on the ground. Her hair, normally straight and styled neatly, with not a single hair out of place, is sticking out every which way. She looks like she's gotten 6 years younger in the space of just thirty minutes.

It's the cutest thing I think I've ever seen.

...I quickly flip back to my phone and this article I've pulled up to distract me. Seriously. I can't be staring so obviously. What's she going to think?

"Do you have anything to drink? I got thirsty all of the sudden."

"Yeah, in the fridge."

"Thanks!"

I hear the sound of the door open...and a second later, the sound of a can cracking.