The Promotion I Never Asked For

“HAAAH!? What the fuck d’ya mean I gotta put it out?”

The delinquent took another drag from his cigarette, the roiling cloud of smoke being blown towards my face in haphazard rebellion. Unmoved, I don’t even try to hold back the exhausted sigh I feel coming on. Meet Yuuta Kuroda, one of a handful of obnoxiously proud rebels that call Taizo High their own. You’d think that delinquents like him are a dying breed, but apparently Yuuta here disagrees. Lighting up right outside of the school’s entrance and blowing smoke at whatever girl catches his eye seems to be his way of standing out today.

“You’re being a nuisance to everyone around you, is what I mean.” I jam my thumb over my shoulder, pointing to the flow of students coming and going through the gates. Some are watching nervously, feeling like the tension of the argument could snap any second. I’m not so stressed about it. Just another day of the week at this point. “Not everyone’s so easygoing about lung cancer, man.”

“Ain’t doing anything outta the ordinary. This here’s my spot.” He ran a calloused hand through his slicked back hair, casting his intense gaze beyond me and to the anxious onlookers. “If anyone had a problem with me smokin’ here they’d speak up themselves! AIN’T THAT RIGHT!?” A couple of the people walking by visibly jump from the sudden boom of this guy’s voice.

“Ah, so talking louder means you’re more right. Didn’t know that was how conversations work.” I roll my eyes. “Can’t you just be cool and put it out for now?”

“...Who the hell d’ya think you are, tellin’ me what to do? Just cuz you’re a little popular, ya think you can order me around?”

He’s right. If I was just leaving school like I normally would, I wouldn’t have bothered to confront him. I don’t particularly care about him smoking, or who it upsets, either. The only reason I’m here is because I’m on a mission. I watch his eyes follow my reach over to my side, tugging on the olive green band pinned around the sleeve of my upper arm. It had Taizo High’s school crest embroidered into it, as well as the word ‘DISCIPLINE.’

“Second year student, Kei Kamiya. Disciplinary Officer appointed by the Student Council.” I raise an eyebrow mockingly and smirk. “Good enough for you?”

The delinquent rose from his spot and immediately pressed his face close to mine, acrid smoke flowing from his nostrils. The cigarette was still hanging from his mouth. “Y’know, I thought you’d look stronger from all the stories I heard. Scrawny guys like you don’t last a second in an actual fight. Wanna find out why?”

So this is the way he wants to take it. I was hoping to avoid going down this route, but now that we’re here, I have no choice but to destroy the guy. I narrow my eyes and force a smile just as arrogant as the one on his face.

“Not unless you want people to find out about that little secret of yours.” His brow furrows skeptically.

Yeah, right…

“Yep. I know.” My voice was dripping with confidence as I placed my hand on his shoulder.

Wait, what does he know? The cafe? The idols!? But I wear a disguise!

Sorry to break it to you Yuuta, but I actually have no idea what I’m talking about. But if I act confident enough, your thoughts will just reveal your most embarrassing secrets by reflex. Then I just have to drop a specific detail about one and it’s game over.

“H-heh, as if you know anything, dumbass.”

“I have to say, it was shocking to see a tough guy like you hiding behind some costume to do that.”

He must have followed me. This guy’s dangerous. I screwed up. Gotta shut him up. Do I hit ‘im? No, he’ll definitely talk after that. Damn it, damn it, damn it!

The cigarette falls from his mouth as he stiffens, and I grind the toe of my shoe over it, leaning in towards his ear.

“I’m sure I’d get people laughing like crazy if they found out. Should I go into specifics? If I have a problem with you smoking here, I should speak up myself. AIN’T THAT RI–”

SHHHH!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPP!

His hand shoots over my mouth to keep me from drawing more attention to our conversation. I take it as a sign of victory.

“Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll smoke somewhere else from now on, just forget any of this happened! Alright?”

“Make sure to tell anyone curious that you quit, right~? Take caaaare~!”

A smile and a cartoonish wave was the last bit of acting I had for the delinquent. I let out the breath I was holding in as he scampered away to avoid any potential embarrassment. If he was really going to get physical, I would have known beforehand. Yuuta Kuroda is the type to mentally telegraph his punches afterall. Why bother throwing punches when it’s so easy to win with a few words?

I’m confident I wouldn’t lose if it came to a fight, but there’s another reason I can’t resort to stuff like that. I look back through the school’s entrance and up at the many windows lining the side of the main building. There’s no way to see it from here, but I’m being watched.

You really think that I would take up the mantle of Disciplinary Officer of my own free will? The role is a direct threat to the popularity I’ve nurtured since the start of this school year. If the super cool genius starts bringing the law down on people’s heads, they aren’t exactly super cool anymore. No, the girl who gave me this role did so fully expecting that I’d struggle with it.

Kaori Asano beams at me when I enter the Student Council office, cutely thrusting out her chest raising a hand to her forehead in a mock salute. The rest of the council members seemed to think they were discreet about taking glances, but it was easy to see they were only a part of the crew for one reason.

“Welcome back, Officer Kei! You’ve been working hard, huh?”

As if. Waste more time out there and stop breathing my precious air, ‘kay?

“Nah, it’s nothing I can’t handle. Anything else that might require my attention?”

I act like I’m happy to help, but if anything I’m only working hard as Discipline Officer to get on Kaori’s nerves. Every day she hands me more and more work, watching closely to see me slip up. Her plan was cruel, if not simple; the more work I have, the harder it will be for me to concentrate on cheating or whatever else it is she thinks I get up to behind everyone’s backs. Plus, Disciplinary Officers aren’t well liked, so she expects me to lose my popularity bit by bit every time she sends me off to deal with someone.

What that two-faced beauty doesn’t know is that the only thing I need to cheat is her. Yeah, I had to cut my little army of victims loose. No matter how many high-scoring students I steal test answers from, Kaori is always going to have a higher score. I’ve already come to terms with that, and yet, having to be close to her is exhausting. Keeping my mouth shut while her inner voice degrades and snaps at me ranks among the hardest things I’ve had to do in my entire life.

You’d think that people would come to despise me when my entire job here is telling people ‘no,’ but being able to read minds lets me diffuse situations expertly and stay on everyone’s good side. Maybe I should apply for an HR job after I graduate. Regardless, the extra work is more than worth it to hear Kaori’s inner voice erupt in rage from her plan failing.

He really took care of that delinquent without a fight? Damn it, I know the runt wasn’t all that tough but it would be easier if he got scared and messed up. Ugh.

“I think that was the last complaint today. Keep it up and you’ll be my favorite person soon enough~!”

Die.

Why him?

Don’t bother, she’s clearly into me.

I’ll find a way to drown him with work…

Back off! Womanizer!

The rest of the Student Council was also being turned against me. With Kaori being the school idol and (apparently) everyone’s dream girl, it was no surprise that being around her would earn me a bit of hate. Just one more challenge to contend with. Anything she throws at me, I can handle!

“Actually, though…” She leaned forward in her desk and swept a lock of her hair from her face. “I do kinda need one more thing from you.”

…Why can’t I just go home already?