Young Physicist meets love

Home. My feet is next to the door, and I could feel my heartbeat rising, with each beat matching with loud music. Eventually, I take a deep breath, hoping that this time it’s all going to be okay. I try, again and again, to muster up the courage and open the door, but I’m stuck.

This isn’t the first time this happens. Finally, I take out the keys and enter the house. Inside as always, everything looks clean, perhaps too perfect, but the music is actively killing my eardrums. I guess my father is working out. I don’t feel like greeting him, so I try to go to my room.

On my way to my room, my father noticed me.

“Were you on a vagabond yet again?” he asked me looking into me with a dissatisfied look. I remained silent. I just kept looking down, at the ground hoping for this to be over.

“Look at you, you are so skinny, maybe I should buy you a dress. You should’ve born a woman, maybe that way you would stop being a disappointment…” With his final words, he left me alone. All I could do was look at his muscular back. I never felt like saying anything back, compared to him I’m nothing.

Inside my room, my desk was a mess. But I don’t have the willpower to do anything about it. There was only 1 thing for me to do. It’s a habit at this point, to check my phone. Did she reply back?

No new notifications.

It’s been a year since her last message. Every night I keep doing the same ritual. Some people told me to get over it. Some just laughed at me. But I can’t bring myself to stop. She was the only one that could understand me.

Sometimes I wonder will our bond remain forgotten over time. Perhaps there’s some truth to this saying that everything sooner or later will be forgotten. Life has no meaning anymore. Yet I couldn’t end it, this sucks… I don’t know what to do…

I decided to go ahead and sleep.

***

Three years ago.

“Hitori, wait for me” a familiar voice called for my name. It was her the irresistible blonde girl, her aura exudes innocence, and her smile could break any wall. It was around this time that I realized, I was in love. If I was next to her, I felt like I could do anything in this world.

“You’re too slow Lucia” As I said it, I offered my hand to her. A small smile formed on her face. Around us, a fascinating view embraced our tiny bodies. Even the forest looked tiny. As we reached the top of the mountain, the sun welcomed us, in that moment, it felt like we were the rulers of this world.

“It’s so pretty,” she said in a quiet voice, desperately trying not to ruin the immersion. Which surprised me, I wanted her to do the opposite.

“Don’t be so quiet, right now we’re at the center of the universe. We have no one to be afraid of.” My arms embraced the wind, I could feel it, the place where no one could find me, no one could talk badly of me. Here I could be myself.

“HAAAAAAAAA!” I screamed, as loud as my lungs could go. Lucia giggled. She was rather shy in exchange. But I didn’t mind it, unlike me she never needed to pretend to be different. I always felt like with her I could change.

For a short while, we just stood there, enjoying the nature around us. From the trees to mountains and animals. This silence, felt so out of touch with the human world, it was almost liberating, then it crossed my mind. The laws of the universe that we follow are all created from the same view. One way or another everything we know about the universe should come from the same observations.

After our climb to the top, we decided to find a nice spot for a pit nick. I was so deeply invested in physics that Lucia had to pinch my cheeks. I hated to be interrupted away from my thoughts. But if it was her, I could always make an exception.

“Mr. Physicist. The earth is calling you”. She smiled yet again. I was about to say something, but she cut me off by showing a sandwich up my mouth.

“No talking during meal time.” She knew that once I start going on about my talks, there was no way to shut me up. Can’t blame her, but in the end, she cannot shut up a passionate mind.

“Hey Lucia, do you believe in god?” I asked her out of curiosity. She wasn’t into science like me, but she always listened to what I had to say.

“Not really no, why ask?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Well, my mistake sorry, I meant to ask if god were real, how would you perceive it? Do you think it would be a being who is a colossal network intelligence? Or would it be a spiritual being we cannot see or understand?” Even if Lucia was not into science, she would always think openly and freely, that’s probably what I liked about her.

She remained silent for a few seconds, I wasn’t sure if she was afraid to give the “wrong” answer or if she was lost deep in thought. But it seems she made up her mind.

“I don’t know, I just don’t think god exists.” She said it bluntly. Her smile disappeared. She knew that I was about to give her a lecture yet again.

“I want to get Ph.D. and attempt to do the impossible. I want to put an end to this debate. And I believe I have figured it out.” I paused for a second to collect all my thoughts and take a deep breath.

“What if we always had the wrong perception of the universe itself? You see, all matter that comes from the universe is part of our DNA. This means that god should be made of the same matter which is spread in the entire universe. And by that logic, the entire universe is god itself. In other wo-“

“Okay that’s enough Hitori, I don’t need to hear the whole speech” She seemed annoyed to listen to my ramblings, but she was foolish if she thought she could stop me right here.

“In other words, it means that the universe is the same as our bodies. Deep inside our bodies, there are so many micro-organisms like the immune system, it’s the same as the universe, all the planets and life itself is the part of the universe just like the immune system is part of our bodies. In othe-“

“Oh my god shut the hell up already! You’re ruining a nice moment right now” Her voice had a different tone to it, and her face was gradually losing that smile.

“In other words, God is humanity and humanity is God, if such a being really does exist then it means that every single being on this planet even this rock down there is a tiny piece of the universe, basically god himself. So, what do you think Lucia?” as I finished giving her a short explanation, she seemed silent, maybe it finally clicked with her. The divine reasoning for our existence?!

“Too long didn’t listen” she mercilessly destroyed me.

“I guess I went too much this time around didn’t I” Perhaps self-awareness was a bit too late.. for me to save myself. I guess she didn’t mind it if she was still here with me.

“You should write some kind of work around the subject, you seem passionate about it, I will support you in any way I can”. After this conversation, we returned home and for the rest of the year, I spent working on my thesis.

***

Two years ago.

“Mr. Hitori upon reviewing your work on the ‘The truth of the universe’ project. We decided not to accept your work, the points you bring up are not scientific at all, but philosophic by nature. To put it bluntly, our university is looking for great minds in the realm of physics. I’m deeply sorry to announce this but you’re not fit for our program and therefore we deny your request for the scholarship program, but you’re welcome to try the next year”. 

It was around this time that my life started to get worse.

They gave me back my work I spent 9 whole months working and researching. At least I can read their comments for some feedback, surely, it’s not so bad…

The moment I opened the pages… page after page, there were no comments, until the very last page. Which reads “Dear Mr. Hitori, you are speaking absolute moonshine”. Wait!? That’s just it? These bastards didn’t even read the work. Did my father ask them to do this? There’s no way in hell they even reviewed it properly.

In absolute disbelief, I texted Lucia, besides her, I had no one to talk to, no one to lean to. But the biggest tragedy was yet to happen... Around the time I met up with Lucia.

“I have something to tell you Hito… I will be moving to another country, the decision is not mine, but this is the last time we will meet in person” She looked sad, but something told me that I had to do something I always felt afraid to do.

I never felt this fear, before, perhaps that’s what it meant to be shy. But the thought of me hugging her felt scary. Nonetheless, I pushed through and I hugged her. For the first time, our relationship was more than just platonic. And a surprise was coming my way as well.

Suddenly she kissed me. I did not resist at all, I never saw her in romantic nature, but that day it was all about to change. At that moment time itself stopped for me, my failed project didn’t even matter to me, as long as I had someone who could listen to me, that did fulfill me. Is that what it means to love? To have someone who will always listen to you? I won’t lie it feels nice.

“I’ll call you, we will eventually meet again,” I said with confidence in my voice. She nodded her head. After our meeting, we ended up drinking and made sure that night we both shared would remain forever in our memories. or so I thought...

The day she left, we would text daily, but after a few months, it would become weekly. Then gradually a year later, I stopped receiving any messages from her altogether.

***

Present day.

I woke up from deep sleep. That habit of checking my phone doesn’t seem to die. I unlocked my phone. And yet again, no new notifications…