Calendar Entries of Love

I stared at the front cover of the calendar for what felt like hours before finally mustering the courage to read her writing. I opened the book to the last page of the normal calendar, where her thoughts began. The words on the first page were unchanged from when I read them around a year ago, she must have written them in middle school.

I have a secret, one that not many might take seriously, but has been hurting my life. My secret is that while everyone sees me as the girl who's all about smiles and helping, I have been dealing with anxiety and stress for the majority of my short life. I want to make everyone happy, because that makes me happy, but I didn't know it'd take a toll on me. I don't want to make them sad now, because I feel like the whole world around me will break if they find out I've been suffering for so long. Burdens have been put on my shoulders, and I feel like I'm sinking…unable to cry for help. [...]

April 10th
I feel like I should start putting dates. Today someone found my book after I left it in this beautiful flower garden at school. He didn't show me his face or tell me his name, how mysterious. He told me he didn't want friends or "make connections" with people. I found that weird, but I guess, in a way that was me as well. He seems to be dealing with hard times, but he was also funny. He knows my secret, I'm not mad about it, it was actually quite relieving. Despite what he said, I kind of hope to see him again soon.

April 14th
I met him again, I called him Class 1-A-kun, then he told me he likes poetry, so I called him Poet-kun! We met at the garden, and I told him a lot about myself, and…well…it felt AMAZING! It's like I've been wanting to tell someone about my worries. I made a deal with him about my secret, while also respecting his wishes to not know me. I wonder how this will play out.

There was an entry at random intervals, but there was a minimum of three per week. Most of it was trivial about her life, and some of her entries would line up with what she'd tell me at the hedge.

April 17th
It's my birthday! [...] I saw him! Before, I only saw his hair and height, but now I've seen his front! He's like my height, and his sandy-like hair is really noticeable, I'm shocked he doesn't have friends. Anyways, I was going to tell him about my birthday, and probably about my secret, but as I saw him walk to the hedge, I realized I wanted to be friends with him. Would that be okay? He doesn't want them, but I feel like he does. I don't know, we'll see.

April 27th
I don't want to see him, but I do. I've been neglecting our promise because I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm becoming a burden to him as well, I wonder if I'll ever talk to him again. [...]

May 8th
I spoke with him again. I now know for certain that I enjoy speaking to him, but I don't know what this meant for our relationship. Friends? Definitely not, but were we even acquaintances? I can tell in his voice, he doesn't want to be alone, but what should I do about it? I want to spend more time with him. Also, midterms were coming up. [...]

She had come to the same realization as me: We were both lying and crying for help. Her solution was to help me, similar to how mine was to help her. I guess we wanted the same thing for each other, before we even established a connection.

I had forgotten that I kept her calendar during exam week, since she used it to tell me she was going to study with Natsu-chan. The next update was when I gave it back to her, after my incident in the school courtyard.

May 26th
Sorry for the lack of updates, and also because this book is damp now, but that doesn't matter. I think I made a new friend! He read my calendar, and said I look like the red gardenias. He also introduced himself to me: Verano Kiyoshi, the poet from class 1-A, the only one who knows my secret, and helped me with it. I told him he was sort of like them, though he didn't know what. I was referring to the butterfly weeds. He's similar to them: Representation of summer, wanting to be alone in solitary. If he's truly like them, he'll fully bloom in a few years, I wonder what kind of person he'll be.

Her next notable entry was when we started Operation Sprechchor during the summer.

July 15th
Our journey to give the butterfly weed a new meaning started today! I've decided that I will write down whatever comes to mind that can be useful to the new meaning. I'll be giving this calendar to him so he can mix all the ideas together into a new poem! If you're reading this, Verano-kun, thank you in advance.

August 10th
We went to the Inari shrine and I picked up the Omokaru stone. I wished that we would be able to give the butterfly weed a new meaning, and it was light! I can't wait, I'll do my best!

I thought, At least her wish could come true, I wonder why mine was heavy… Maybe I'm just weak.

From this point onwards, some of her entries were without dates and just ideas she jotted down for the meaning.

Verano-kun, I hope you remember your poem you said to me when you let me cry on your shoulder. The opposite of the current butterfly weed is what we need: To return.

Experience life with others instead of rejecting them. Coming back after leaving, instead of leaving forever. To finish stories that were left alone by leaving. To wait patiently for others, and most importantly, to be together. Harmony, like a chorus.

I was reaching the end of her entries, but I didn't want them to end. It was around this time where I was realizing my feelings for her, I began to think what she thought of me. Then, my answer arrived.

First off, with your help, I've decided to go with my family to Italy. With that, I need to talk about something very close to me.
I haven't touched this subject in particular, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to feel, but now I know. I've never been in love before, but for the longest time, I knew I was whenever I talked with you, Kiyoshi-kun. When you gave me a shoulder to cry on. The time you told me your name and I saw the purity in your smile. Every time we went out for Operation Sprechchor, I fell deeper for you, but I didn't want to tell you because I enjoyed and cherished our friendship. A part of me believes you like – or maybe even love – me too, but I didn't want to start dating long-distance. This may be selfish of me, but I want to wait. Like the butterfly weed that meant rejection of others and solitude, I want you to wait for my return. If you love me, I want to confess together. If you don't, then––

I had taken the liberty to erase whatever she wrote after that. I didn't need to read what to do if I didn't love her, because I did, as much as she loved me.

She wasn't selfish, and even if she was, she deserved to be a bit selfish, after all the years of selflessness that caused her hurt. There were still two years until high school graduation, when the butterfly weeds in the school garden would finally bloom. However, I knew that they could sometimes bloom after two, and that gave me the idea to plant new ones in the place where I would welcome her. No, not here in Kyoto, but in another flower garden.

➼ ➼ ➼

The next day, I put her calendar in my pocket as I boarded a train to Hamamatsu. The journey was meant to be with her on her birthday, but that would have to wait a couple of years. That was okay, it allowed me to complete a singular mission:

Get the park to plant a field full of butterfly weeds, with a sign that stated the new meaning.