Who am I?
Kara was back at home. After putting it off for weeks, she crawled under her desk, where the cardboard-box with letters waited for her to delve into the pool of secrets they kept hidden in their envelopes.
Each one had a date assigned to it, ranging from about two years ago to six months prior... meaning before her accident.
Her hands trembled, but she had time.
She looked for the earliest one and opened it.
how should I start?
I suppose you know what's happening to me, or maybe time closed these wounds and you randomly stumbled upon this letter.
If so, I'm sorry.
I didn't want to remind you of the first time I had been bullied.
You see, I scored the highest of my class and they...
"Did I write all of these to myself?" Kara wondered, skipping through the next few letters. Dear Kara... Dear Kara... Dear Kara... Every one of them started the same. They all talked about various acts of harassment, bullying, and joking at her disposal. "... but I am so glad to have my sister at my side. I never tell her anything, but just being with her... seeing her in our secret cove... it helps me. Make sure to stay close to her. She's the best thing we have, Kara. Sincerely yours, Kara... heh, even then, you were an angel, Nia..."
She put it back and skimmed over a few others.
One that was written about four months after the first one caught her eyes. The date was scribbled in messy numbers, totally unlike the careful strokes the previous ones displayed.
Curious, she picked it up.
Nia was accepted at the university she wanted to attend... she... my sister will be gone. My only support in this world, she will be gone!
How can I deal with this?
If I told her what was going on, I'm sure she would stop, but I can't do that, either! I can't be protected by her all the time...
I must grow.
"Grow..." Kara repeated the word out loud, chewing on it like gum. "Instead, what did I go and do? Lose my damn memory... let's see..."
Kara ignored the rest of the letters and picked up the one with the latest date. The envelope was an ominous black, the ink a bloody red.
A shiver ran down Kara's spine as she opened it.
Bonnie called me to the roof today. She never does that. I'm scared.
The roof... will they throw me down? They couldn't... they wouldn't... the truth is, I'm not so sure. Ever since Nia left, it got worse. I tried to be like her, act like they don't concern me... my parents don't talk to me anymore.
I don't allow them to.
When they knock on my door, I tell them to go away. I go to Nia's room from our cove and close both our doors so that they can't come inside.
When I'm there, I want to be alone.
I couldn't stand telling them everything, so I leave the door open. I hope that one day, they'll come home before me and just become curious when they see my 'hidden secrets' in this cardboard box.
What will they do once they find out?
I couldn't tell you.
The thought amused me, but it won't come true.
As much as I love my parents, they don't care enough to search my room. How would I react in this case?
I guess I wouldn't search their rooms, either.
I'd think there has to be a reason for my daughter's behavior, so I'd let her be. Maybe my methods are worthless, after all...
I wonder what happened to Nia...
I wonder what will happen to me.
I'm scared, Kara.
She closed her eyes.
A breeze ruffled her long hair, making some of it stick to her face. It was chilly, not yet spring. The winter firmly held on to the thermometer, holding the temperature low.
"You sure you don't want to look?" Bonnie asked mockingly. Kara nodded. "Alright... here goes!"
A sharp pain shot through her body from her hand. She felt the blood trail down her hand, dropping to the floor.
"And again, must make this look genuine."
"Don't moan too loudly, we wouldn't want anyone hearing you wince," she commanded, driving the needle into her hand, again.
Today's prank apparently involved a lot of pins.
"Hey, she's bleeding," Ludwig timidly put in from the sidelines.
"And what if she is?" Bonnie barked back. "Oh, did you mean to say that she should get some blood on the pins? That's a genius idea, Ludwig!"
"That's not what I meant..."
"Stop it," Adrian said.
"What is your deal, it's just a few stitches," Bonnie said.
"Lunch break is almost over, idiot," he shot back. "We must hurry."
Kara dared to open her eyes again.
Bonnie was scowling at her watch as if it would change anything. She clicked her tongue and grabbed Kara by the sleeve.
"Listen, go wash your hands and sit down like the innocent thing you are. These trolls will handle the rest," she said, pointing at Adrian and Ludwig.
It was just another day in the life of Kara Jakobson...
She got dizzy just thinking of how pathetic she was.
Kara Jakobson, the pussy of Hazel High.
"Can't you go any faster?" Bonnie inquired.
"That's quite enough," Adrian said, more forceful. He spread his arms between Kara and Bonnie. "You make yourself sound like a psycho."
"Oh, are you taking her side, now, Adrian?" she said, pulling him down by his collar. He started wobbling as she demonstrated her power over him by making him lose his balance in every direction. "Got some heart-eyes, don't you?"
"You don't make any sense," he said.
"Neither do you," Bonnie said, shoving him away... directly into Kara. "Oh, no-"
Kara heard a loud sound like a bell, only way duller as her vision spun in violent circles. Her whole body was enveloped with pain, and her lids closed with heavy thuds.
It all came back to her.
That's what happened...
Her hands lost their strength and the letter fell to the ground, on a heap with the other ones... except one.
She looked at it with empty curiosity.
This one was wrinkled and clad in a cutesy-pink envelope, totally unlike the rest of them. There wasn't even a date on it.
It felt very important, like a dear friend.
Kara narrowed her eyes as she tossed it back into the cardboard box. She buried it under the rest of her letters and closed the lid.
She dragged her cupboard back to where it was, clocking the entrance to the sisters' cove and fell into bed.
When summer ended, Nia went back to university, and Kara started her last year of high school alone.
by the time you will read this, I hope you'll have arrived. If you do read this before, then what are you doing? I plan to hide this in the pocket of your miniskirt, and you never wear that!
I think it's time I told you why the school was so hard on me.
My friends... they aren't really my friends.
It feels more like a handler-and-tool kind of relationship if you know what I mean. Like in chess, where they are the player and I'm the pawn.
Something like that.
I kept holding out because of you... frankly, I never thought I'd have to do this without you. You were always around, hoping to get a place in the university of your dreams, and you finally got it.
I'm a terrible sister.
On the outside, I'm smiling with the rest of them, but on the inside, I want to scream at you to stay, to indulge in me for all eternity.
It's a very selfish thing to do...
The teachers sympathize with me, and the principal believes me. I have received many entries into my student-file, but he promised to erase all of them. I never told Principal Raoul the truth, but he still knows.
The adults at school... they protect me.
My parents at home indulge me.
You in our cove... you saved me.
I can't tell you what exactly happened. I'm sorry, that would be too painful. All I want to tell you is that you can rest assured.
Your sister won't stay the little girl forever.
I'm working towards becoming a strong girl like you.
I'll deal with these people, and I'll show them that I won't be deterred!
Thank you for everything, Nia. I love you, and I always will. This won't stop, even if you're far away, studying towards your dream.
I hope to see you soon, or better yet, when you achieved your dream...
... and I have found mine.