Boys Love

A sudden memory hit me; I had remembered it suddenly.

While sitting at the table, I had lost myself in a loose sense of comfort. This memory brought me back to my innocent self. The version of myself that looked at the world with loving unknowing eyes. The version of myself capable of loving without bounds. The version of myself that frolicked through fields of flowers. The version of myself capable of constant laughter. It had pained me to lose that, my unknowing self, my loving self, myself that others had loved. I had lost most of my loving connections, though they had always originated in weakness. The bonds of supposed family held firmly on me, I believed myself worthless without them. But then looking back at them, I realized...

“Who even are these people to me?”

What did we have other than labels had we shared? Did they really know who I was? Did they care to know? Would they ever be able to look upon me in an approving light? Was it worth trying? Was my unknowing self who I wanted to be? Would I find any value in a life like that?

These thoughts came over me suddenly, a memory had ignited them.

Back when I was younger, there had been a span of time where one of my female relatives had been staying at my home. She was nice enough, we never really spoke, nor did we have anything to speak about.

She was much older than me, I was only a mere child then. My home had never been one of advanced technology, we had 1 small TV in the living room, a few home phones strewn across different areas of the house, and one large desktop. It was very old, and very bad. I used to play games on it often... but when my female relative moved in... She became attached to the computer. I suppose she had her phone taken, she seemed thrilled by the idea of any technological device.

I had never questioned why she had been staying with us... I never had the chance to speak with my grandmother alone while she was here... my grandmother was very insistent on me being quiet, polite, and considerate during her stay. This only gave her the right to ignore me. She fed me... but that was it. She gave all of her attention to the troubled youth in her care.

I adapted to this lifestyle; I had been a kind child. The only thing that truly upset me... was... that she was always on the computer! I used to have unlimited access to it! It had seemingly been there just for me! She had made it hers! I couldn’t say anything about it, I didn’t want to upset anyone. All I could do was closely monitor the times she was on it.

She remained on it late into the night, she’d sneak out of her room after my grandmother went to bed. I didn’t care what she was doing. I just wanted my computer back. One night, out of desperation, I stayed up extraordinarily late. I waited for her to retreat to her room, once she did. I infiltrated the computer.

All I wanted was to play games... the computer was still on when I got to it, had she forgotten to turn it off? She had left an internet browser tab open... I clicked on it... assuming it was only a home page... what I was met with... it was beyond anything my mind could comprehend.... I was horrified... or perhaps I had been enlightened?

““Seme kun...” Bottom kun muttered”

““Heh this loosened already?” Seme kun mutterd”

I COULDN’T TAKE IT!

It hadn’t mattered that it had been 2 men drawn in a pornographic manner.... that didn’t matter... I didn’t care about that.

It was... the hands!

Both men adorned ginormous hands! At that moment I felt myself being held captive by those hands... those hands of supposed pleasure! They held me in their grasp... their giant grasp! I couldn’t handle the feeling... had they known something I hadn’t? Could they have a better understanding of myself than myself? I didn’t understand... I couldn’t understand! Of course, I knew myself better! How could 2 poorly drawn yaoi men ever understand me?

I hadn’t approached any topic of the sort since... I had always assumed Boys Love to only consist in work under the same artistic capacity. My fear had hindered my ability to venture further into the genre. Perhaps it was out of fear... perhaps confronting my own sexuality brought me discomfort. I’d never been sure of my own sexuality... it had never been something I’d ever need to think of in the future. I had never been particularly attracted to anyone, in any sense. But lately... I’ve been conducting great research! I had bought... I bought various Boys Love books!

Both of us sitting at my table... boxes of gay manga sitting on my doorstep... I didn’t want him to see... but I couldn’t just leave the books outside!

I hoped the few remains of baked goods on the table would be enough to distract him.

“I have to... uh... step outside for a moment...” I said; getting up from my seat.

I was hoping he wouldn’t look in my direction, the front door could be seen from the kitchen. I walked to the front door, I needed to present myself in an unsuspecting way. I was just grabbing something! I had forgotten it outside! That’s why I needed to carry a massive box up to my room! It wasn’t anything else! I was most definitely not curious about gay relationships! Of course not! How could anyone think that?

I opened the door; the box was as large as I had expected. Its size made sense considering the rampant rampage I had gone on while purchasing them. I needed a variety...

Omegaverse, childhood friends, enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, coworkers, salary men, college classmates to lovers, animal features, succubus, historical, classmates to marriage, unrequited love, popular and loser, reunited with classmate of the past, creepy hairdresser, teddy bear turned human, lovesickness disease, homeless guy romance, megane and megane, megane and popular, megane and delinquent, megane who’s actually super-hot, ex yakuza and a delinquent, delinquent and student council president, delinquent and delinquent, delinquent and cute boy, needing to practice for girlfriends, super scary guy who’s actually sweet, super cute guy who’s actually scary, short top/ tall bottom, cooks together, crossdressing, hot delivery driver, demons, angels, teachers and ex students, teachers and current students, stepbrothers, ex stepbrothers, half-brothers, brothers, twins... the list goes on!

I bent down to lift the box; it was very heavy. Once I had a sufficient grip, I turned... only to be faced by him!

“... what is that...” He asked.