If This is Goodbye

“-and then you’ll write that down because–”

“-it’s classified as essential versus preference regarding future goals and opinions on all predispositions be they: physical, emotional, or hypothetical.”

I was beyond proud.

Of myself. (And Hana! Mostly Hana, really.)

A wide grin pulled my lips upward into an expression that was far too expressive to land in the ‘professional but personable’ category but I didn’t care.

I was so proud of how fast Hana had burned through her Rotation Training with me and it was increasingly difficult to keep my glee in check so we could continue to make progress at her impressively quick pace.

“Right again.”

She gave a triumphant pump of her fist and met my proffered hand for a satisfyingly loud high five, quickly returning to her notes and tapping out what we had been observing into her tablet.

I’d changed Subjects while I was working on Hana’s Rotation Training since -unbeknownst to her- I was very intent on setting her up as a Match for Ren once her Replacement went through.

Her odds were far higher than mine since her soul had never really settled on Oeuvre like mine had; intent was really a big thing on Oeuvre so her discontent really made the difference. That and the fact that the Visit really seemed to seal the whole ‘dead’ thing for some reason.

At face value, it made sense to me but I couldn’t rationalize it at all and subsequently had to give up before it distressed me too much.

As she’d been doing as I instructed, I’d been surreptitiously compiling a file on her since observations could be made easily due to our close proximity. (And also because I’d known her for practically all her life, pardoning a few years when we lost contact after we graduated I knew Hana incredibly well; what sort of friend would I be if I didn’t?)

So, naturally, we started preparing a mock Match for a different Subject since I didn’t want Hana to have any foresight into Ren’s life, even if she wouldn’t remember. I’d do the official Match for the Subject we were currently focusing on myself but I’d definitely be using a lot of the notes and compiled files Hana and I made together.

It’d taken us just under four months -with a few loose ends that were easily taken care of- to finish her Cupid Rotation Training, Cyan was over the moon -of which Oeuvre had many- with our progress and had squeezed the air out of both of us multiple times.

Jun and I had been growing closer as well; our friendship hadn’t changed much because we were already very close beforehand but things had become more… comfortable. Our nonverbal communication had heighted exponentially and it was very common for us to simply look at each other and understand what the other was trying to say; it was fun as much as it was nice and it was even better when Cyan would catch what we were doing and make exaggerated sick noises at our antics.

I still preferred conversations, but it was convenient to just know somehow and I loved seeing how happy it made Jun too whenever our teamwork visibly boosted the efficiency of our work.

As we’d both confessed on a late night spent with too much work and sparing words since we’d both been too engrossed in our respective papers, we had confessed that there had been a lot of time consumed simply observing each other.

Mannerisms, preferred foods, mundane utilitarian preferences, nonverbal cues for happiness or amusement; for as much as we both claimed to watch each other, it was a wonder how we hadn’t noticed. We laughed about that too before falling asleep in the impossibly soft grass that carpeted the floor of Jun’s office space.

That was the first time I had slept next to someone, the smell of flowers indigenous to the forest Jun was born in tickling my senses as I slowly opened my eyes and was greeted by the sight of the Auspice quietly humming to themselves as they fussed with the various plants growing alongside the stream; hair pulled up and tied but clearly sleep mussed as they winded a particularly stubborn vine around the intricate stone fixture acting as its trellis.

I hadn’t known that I could like someone to the extent that I did with Jun; as much as that was a cliche thing to say, it was true.

No matter how much time we spent together, the closer we grew and the number of days since our ‘togetherness’ grew larger, there was an overhanging cloud of apprehension that I couldn’t shake even in the most lovely of moments we had together.

It would quiet, sure, especially when we were laughing together -audibly mostly me but they would smile and snicker under their breath which was nothing short of adorable- but it would never fully disappear.

We would have to talk about it sometime, and as the looming finish line of my Replacement crept ever closer I knew that it was going to have to be sooner rather than later; I would have to decide sooner rather than later.

In the back of my mind, I think we both knew but had chosen to ignore it; wanting to savor the moments we had together in the fear that the outcome would be something that would shatter one or both of us completely.

So we didn’t talk about it.

Instead, I asked for advice about being a better Instructor for Hana and took the opportunity to praise the Auspice’s own methods of teaching and support provided when I had needed it.

I’d found that Jun flustered easily when it came to compliments, although they never flustered enough to forget their manners and dismiss my verbal accolades even if they never outwardly agreed with them. They would thank me with color high on their cheeks -much to my ultimate jubilation- and aim to shift the topic of conversation as soon as they could.

There were so many things I could do instead of addressing what I should have.

Chatting with Cyan to concoct more methods of tomfoolery to make Jun ‘tch’ or helping Calliope on Holt even though I didn’t need to; I’d taken to teaching Jun how to bake in our free time since they weren’t proficient in using Earth’s appliances and measuring systems.

Their sweet tooth was tremendous so Earth’s baked goods and candies fit very nicely into their preferred tastes.

Hana and I spent hours reminiscing and catching up on the things we had missed in the few years we had lost contact, laughing about different memories from our childhood and sometimes crying too when she would confess how much she missed her home and family.

It was different for her since she’d had a large group of friends and a very tight knit family who she’d left behind, whereas I’d only made a few superficial connections that were serviceable but by no means intimate and my family ties were only kept by obligation. Holidays and big events only with the odd message or acknowledgment in the interim.

She missed people and mourned events that she’d never get to witness; hearing her unburden her worries made me question my own motives for still considering Replacement since I didn’t have a quarter of the amount of grief that she had. I more lamented about what would never be versus all the things from the people I was missing.

Didn’t that mean it was better that I stayed? If it was so obvious, why did that thought not settle as comfortably in my chest as it should have?

I just didn’t know what I should do

“I can’t wait to go home; I know they said it wouldn’t matter since I’d sort of-” she made a sweeping motion with her hand. “-slide back into my life from where I had left but I still worry about Mikey…”

Mikey was the cat she had adopted way back when we were still young. She and I had found the kitten outside of the school where she’d tucked the animal into her coat and carried it home with her. Thankfully, Hana’s mother was much more forgiving when it came to animals and rash decisions made by her child than mine was and Hana was allowed to keep the kitten.

It had been so long ago by now, I was surprised to hear that Mikey -the aforementioned kitten named after the branded empty box Hana had found it in- was still alive and well; maybe a little chunkier than necessarily healthy but absolutely happy. It had been a pleasant surprise that I’d found a strange sort of comfort in knowing, the ache in my chest that I’d now recognized as my longing for Earth growing larger the longer I listened.

I still couldn’t decipher if the ache came from an actual need or just a melancholy sort of reminiscence.

“I’m so glad I’m almost done.”

Her whispered words broke the silence that had stretched between us, both her and I having taken a break as a mini celebration of completing her ‘off Oeuvre’ Rotation Training.

I made a noise at the back of my throat, turning to look at her.

“With… your Replacement?”

She nodded, sitting up from where she had been lying and sighing as her shoulders slumped forward.

“Yes. I’m so close, I just need to hold out a little longer.”

My sudden huff of laughter made her glance my direction, narrowing her eyes slightly when I shook my head.

“No, it’s just– you really miss Earth, don’t you?”

It was sort of a rhetorical question at this point, but the depth of her want really hit me in that moment regardless of my prior knowledge.

It was entirely selfish of me, but there was a part of myself that thought if Hana stayed on Oeuvre, maybe she could sate my need for the familiarity that Earth promised; and since we’d been spending so much time together as we had back in school -best friends taking on the world together- I’d grown too comfortable in knowing that she was there feeding my cravings for what I had back on Earth.

Hana gave me a quizzical look, head tilted slightly and brow furrowing together like I’d said something completely bizarre.

“Well– of course, there’s nothing I want more than to go home; don’t you feel the same way?”

I froze, mouth going dry as I could only drop her gaze and shrug my shoulders as I fiddled with my tablet stylus. There wasn’t a definitive reply I could give her when I didn’t even know the answer myself.

“I… I honestly don’t know.”

–

It wasn’t a large one, but there was a definite shift between Hana and I after my obvious hesitancy to her question.

There wasn’t a big difference or anything that someone looking at our interactions would notice, but I could feel the change in the guarded look her eyes would adopt every time we talked that was never present before.

I knew, but I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted. My hesitancy and very genuine desire to stay refused to let the words come out even if they were meant only to comfort her when she needed someone to sympathize with.

So, an undeniable rift was placed between us and I couldn’t help but think that my actions from when I was alive had contributed to how easily the distance had formed.

Hana’s progress didn’t slow at all despite whatever misgivings she might have developed about me; if anything, she plowed forward even faster with an almost desperate zeal to finish.

Her hard work paid off about a week later, the last ‘task’ being completed where Jun informed us that Hana could now go through to the ‘final’ step which was the action of Replacement itself; a step which she would have to do alone without interference.

Cyan and I convinced her to stay for a little longer so we could throw her a small farewell party which she reluctantly agreed to.

I might never be able to experience Hana at her most authentic again, but she was still my friend and as we finished eating and cut the cake I had made for her, she’d pulled me aside to assure me very intently of that fact.

That interaction went like this:

“I’m sorry for reacting the way I did when you didn’t answer how I wanted you to; my feelings are my own and if you… if yours aren't the same, that's okay with me. I just wanted you to know, and… I can understand why you wouldn’t…”

Her gaze had strayed to Jun with a knowingly fond smile and my expression had immediately gained a red undertone.

“Regardless, that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you, Jin, and the thought that I won’t even remember the time I spent here with you makes me-”

She’d needed to pause and catch her breath, closing her eyes to compose herself before her smile turned a little shaky and she’d reached out to squeeze my arm.

“We will always be friends, even if I don’t remember; I want you to know that.”

Hana had always been able to keep her composure better than I could, and that fact hadn’t changed as I wiped at my eyes and pulled her close so I could remember for as long as I could once she left; her hands bunching the material of my uniform at my back as she sniffled quietly.

“Promise me,” I’d said. “Promise me that you’ll tell him when you get back, even if things don’t work out like you hope they will, you deserve to know. Hana– just be happy, okay? Whatever it takes.”

Her voice had caught in her throat before she answered, a short exhale making a patch of my shoulder feel hot as she nodded against me.

“I promise; I promise I will.”

She pulled away after a moment with blotchy cheeks but devoid of tears, a resolute sort of expression set on her face as she gave me a determined nod and wave as she turned to go.

And she winked at me, too, nodding towards Jun with a playful grin that suggested her departure was a ‘see you when I see you’ versus a real goodbye.

It was better that way; a departure that we could both smile at the end of as the Auspice who originally handled Hana’s Replacement arrived to lead her back to Oeuvre’s main building where the actual Replacement would occur.

I waved right before she left the cafeteria area, knowing that she would– yes, she looked back at the last second and grinned as she caught my wave and returned it before turning the corner.

And then she was gone.