The Deliberation

‘So, what you’re telling me is… she’s not your girlfriend?’

‘Nah.’

From the inside of Satou’s car, Asahi looked back at me:

‘You’re lying.’

‘Why the hell would I lie?’

‘She’s so flirty with you! And you clearly didn’t mind it – and that’s a damn first if I’ve ever seen one!’

‘He’s not wrong Yo. That’s the most laidback I’ve seen you in a while. You sure she’s not a fling or something?’

‘Oh, don’t get swayed by this idiot Satou, come on.’

‘I’m not, I’m just playing it by eye and ear – y’all walked into the cafeteria together, sat around together, went to her locker together, and it didn’t once seem like you were irritated with her. For someone like you, who loses his patience pretty damn fast, that was surprising.’

‘See – Sat knows! And even if you aren’t dating, you’d probably want to wife her up because do you really think anyone else is going to put up with your insufferable –’

Hitting Asahi in the head often did enough to shut him up.

‘I’ll be for real, she’s cute. She’s got this odd charm to her too, don’t really know what it is, but yeah, she’s cool for sure.’

Asahi, rubbing his head down, turned towards Satou:

‘That’s the most praise he’s given anyone in…?’

‘Honestly, and not even exaggerating, maybe years? Maybe this’ll rub off on him though – like the start of a more positive Yo?

‘Y’know what, I could definitely get behind that. Whad’ya say Tsuyo?’

‘I despise both of you.’

Satou chuckled to himself as he kept driving with his left hand on the steering wheel. Suddenly he turned towards Asahi:

‘How’s Shimizu been?’

‘Oh, you know, same old, same old. Top of her class, getting bored in lectures, constantly whining to me about being such a high-ranking official in a delinquent gang.’

‘Still haven’t been able to change her mind on that?’

‘Nah. She’s not the type to change her mind easily, and she really believes that both I and this one sitting in the back could be doing a lot more with our lives outside of delinquency.’

‘Is she really wrong for thinking that though?’

To me, she wasn’t. As much as I give Asahi flack, the guy’s brilliant at everything he does. He’d have no problem getting a scholarship – domestic or international – for any program that he fancied. As for me, if I showed up to class a bit more, I’d have no issues with any post-secondary opportunities whatsoever – neither of us were on Haruna Shimizu’s level, but we always gave her a pretty good run for her money, and she knew that. Yet, that kind of lifestyle – as I’ll reiterate – has always seemed to be far too repetitious; the insanity that delinquency brought about was far more exhilarating than the thought of working my ass off for some lame college degree, followed by a nine-to-five desk job for all eternity. Regarding Asahi, he’d found enjoyment in this lifestyle that I’d created and, more importantly for him, could adequately balance academics and x54’s extracurriculars, surprisingly enough. He had no particular reason to be as passionately invested in our affairs as he is, and sometimes I ponder if that’s only because he thinks of himself as my conscience or watchful eye, making sure that I’m not too much of a loose cannon.

Who knows.

All I can say is, this dream was a fleeting one, and both he and I knew that. Haruna’s dream has always been to pursue post-secondary studies abroad – both undergraduate and graduate – and with Asahi’s rep, he wouldn’t have a problem following suit – albeit, without the scholarships that she’d land, however, he’d still have plenty of cash from his x54 earnings either way. He’s always mentioned that he’d find a way to make things work, but I’m not the type of friend who’d force him to pick between his girlfriend and a gang that he never really needed – Haruna’s always made him happiest, and I couldn’t even imagine the amount of success they’d have overseas. The thing is, no one else knows about this – not Tosh, not Satou, none of the captains, no one. We’ve brought it up to Val since he’s the likeliest candidate for that number two role, and he’s in agreement – Asahi’s decision should be his own to make; if the crew falters because of his absence, that’s something that we’ve gotta figure out. We weren’t gonna turn into the remnants of Shining Cross, or the majority of delinquencies out here – we’ll part on good terms and leave bygones as bygones.

That brings me to my own deliberation though, and why my talk with Kisasa cut so deep – when Asahi and Haruna move out, and eventually, when old Tosh decides to hang ‘em up, am I really gonna enjoy this lifestyle? Sure, Val probably won’t leave, as he loves the knuckle-bashing as much as I do, but even Satou may eventually decide to pursue other things. If that’s the case, then what? Yakuza life? I don’t know if I can handle that – sure we’re pretty cutthroat as is, but that – that’s life or death. I live for the thrill, don’t get me wrong – but I’m not trying to turn people into shark bait after I’ve beaten them senselessly. Naivety would suggest that I could try and change that world, as I’ve tried – and somewhat succeeded – in innovating Tokyo’s delinquent culture, but like I just mentioned – that’s an entirely different behemoth. I’d have more hits on my name than teeth in my mouth by the end of my first week, and there wouldn’t ever be a sniff of expansion – hell, there’d probably be rival orgs working together tirelessly to shrink our territory down to zero. Our facilities – and our safety promises to our members – would be nothing compared to established Yakuza groups, and with that, our numbers would diminish quickly. Who knows what information those guys would leak out? If a captain was to abandon his post, what would we even do? Would Val and I really be able to hold it down?

Those are the questions that kept me up at night this whole weekend.

Before meeting Kisasa, there was always a lingering doubt that I’d be able to maintain this lifestyle once Asahi left, but I kept my blind optimism, telling myself that since it’d worked so well for so long, there wasn’t ever going to be a falloff possibility. We were absolutely coasting.

But Kisasa showed me something different – even though I have all of this, do I really need it? I haven’t been longing for violence – sure, it’s filled the void, but it isn’t what I’ve been yearning for for so long. I’ve just wanted to feel something. I didn’t want to be lost in an unending sea of boredom where I’d just be another average person – I wanted to enjoy my life. Yet, in just a short time, she showed me that there was so much enjoyment to be had in life in many other ways – many of which I never even searched out since I was too captivated by this world that I’d created and loved so deeply.

And that was the issue. This world was created. It was imaginary, and thus, it was finite. I always ignored that expiry date because I had no idea how I’d confront it when it eventually approached me – yet, Kisasa’s words have stuck with me since that night.

‘Not everything has to be seismic for it to be memorable, right?’

She was right. I didn’t ever enjoy the little moments in life, and was far too preoccupied with the bigger picture, rarely seeking out cheap thrills. This led to nothing – save for x54 issues – being important to me; I’d become a slave to the system without even realizing it – something that I had been trying desperately to avoid.

But what could I even do?

I wasn’t going to give up x54 just because of some girl I met at a convenience store. What kind of cliched, lame idea is that? Nah, we still had money to make, and time to maintain our position as the top of Tokyo. But it wouldn’t be so bad to go out at the top now, would it? Like, when Asahi’s ready to hang ‘em up, wouldn’t that be an ideal time to disband the first generation of x54? And if any of the veterans, like Val and Satou, wanted to continue their legacy, they’d pretty easily be able to field a second generation, finding someone strong to replace me and Asahi at the top.

I don’t know. I don’t know what everyone would think, or if it would even work. But wouldn’t that be a better idea than to eventually get humiliated by some new up-and-coming crew because we’ve been in the business too long, or to have our throats slashed by actual Yakuza corps if we got in too deep?

I really don’t know.

It’s tough to think about the future cause x54’s all I’ve had and all I’ve ever known. And, like I’ve mentioned, it’s not like the venture’s been unsuccessful – it’s brought in heaps of rewards and lined our pockets nicely. That damn girl… she’s in my head now.

‘Yo?’ You alive back there?’

‘What? I’m fine.’

‘You passed out for the last fifteen minutes – you sure you’ve been sleeping well enough?’

Asahi snickered.

‘Of course he hasn’t, not with Sasaki beside –’

I thumped him over the head and Satou rolled his eyes, snickering at Asahi’s expense.

‘You brought up Shimizu not being wrong for questioning Asahi and yourself, and then you just knocked out. Like, shit was weird, but if you need the rest, I’m not gonna question it.’

‘Oh, honestly, it’s probably just being in attendance at class that absolutely crushed me. Not used to this shit, y’know?’

That’s a lie – the tiredness came from these deliberations I’ve had over the past weekend. The amount of sleep I’d gotten had nearly slashed in half, and I couldn’t ever find time to make it up. Satou’s normally good with detecting lies, but he tends to not question me if I’m hiding something – his belief is that I’ll always act in a manner that benefits x54, even if I have to work in a discrete manner. Satou himself, he was used to that kind of thing – before joining x54 nearly a year ago, he worked on his own, taking jobs, hits, and really anything that he could get his hands on so long as he’d be capable, and that he’d pocket a fair dollar. Word of this ‘twilight assassin without a name’ spread rapidly about Tokyo, and with enough research, Tosh was able to secure his services for a ‘hit’ under x54’s name. But it wasn’t just any hit.

**Ten Months Ago, February **

‘Oi, Tosh, you’ve got his services secured, right?’

‘Yeah, yeah, hold your horses Asahi. We’ve still gotta strike a deal down, but he’s agreed to meet us to confirm details and whatnot. Shouldn’t be too hard, and he’s promised that he’ll be here. We’re here early, so maybe he’s just punctual, that’s all.

‘Deal this, deal that, deal this, deal that. Why can’t I just beat this guy up? That’ll probably convince him, no?’

‘Val, I’m begging you, don’t go off the rails. We need this deal badly.’

‘I won’t man, don’t stress. I just don’t get the point whatsoever. It’d be so much easier to just strike him down.

‘Yeah, and if you strike him down, then what? He could just tell us to go kick rocks, and then we’re stranded again. We need this guy.’

‘Asahi’s right Val. He’s gonna be essential for what we wanna do.’

‘I’m never wrong, y’know?’

It was half past midnight on a Wednesday evening in February, and Asahi, Val, and Toshiaki sat at the back of Tesomaki’s Ramen; Tosh had already ordered his third lager of the night, while Val was busy finishing a deluxe spicy garlic bowl.

‘Man, you two said he’d be here, where is this guy? My deluxe is always done too… man!’

‘Patience Val, patience. Come on now.’

Suddenly, the door swung open and the doorbell chimed. A well-dressed, younger man walked towards Asahi, Tosh, and Val, but as he approached, his height became apparent – 6’4, at least, but possibly 6’5 or 6’6 in shoes. His presence was monumental.

‘I take it that you three are the ones who contracted me?’

Asahi stood up to greet him.

‘That would be correct, Yoshihisa, is it?’

‘No need for formalities. Satou’s what I go by. Whether that’s my real name or not is for you to decide for yourself, as I know that almost no one in this industry leaks who they actually are. For transparency, I’ll tell you that that’s what you can call me, and what I like to call my ‘given’ name – I’d rather be honest and upfront with my contractors, after all.’

‘All good, Satou. Well, I’m Nakamura Asahi, but you can just call me Asahi. Those two back there are totally fine with their given names too, they’re Toshiaki and Valentin respectively.

‘Cheers to that. I couldn’t be happier to work with such a well-esteemed, up-and-coming delinquent group like y’all. You guys clearly have done something right.’

Toshiaki stood up as well, despite being dwarfed by Satou:

‘Speak for yourself. The – what’s it called? Twilight assassin? You’re brilliant, aren’t ya?’

‘I’ve only been able to maintain privacy by not having meetings like this – but your offer changes a lot of things.’

Asahi sat back down, and looked across the table at Satou, who he gestured to sit down – Satou obliged and called the waiter over for a glass of water.

‘Yeah. We need your strength. We’ll promise you a high-ranking position in x54 too. It’ll get you out of these odd jobs scenarios that you’re in and provide you a guaranteed source of income – I don’t think it’s a bad offer, is it?’

‘How high-ranking are we talking?’

‘Well, if you do as we want… you’d be the captain.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Yeah, ya heard me right. We want you to bring down our current captain, Tsuyoshi. Tsuyoshi Yokoyama.’