Lay Aside All Earthly Cares

"Well, it's time to go," I say to no one in particular, and step out into the bitter cold.

The wind buffets me as I crunch over the snow, and the flakes bite at my face, but I don't feel cold. I feel relieved. Mom made me promise her two things- and I've fulfilled both of them. I don't have any regrets.

You could call my classmates my friends, but I'm not sad I'm leaving them behind. They were just acquaintances. I never opened my heart to them, just like I never did to anyone other than Mom.

...Except for Kou.

I shake my head, trudging on through the snow, flipping the hood of my jacket over my head. I had to break things off with him. It was for both of our own good. Mom made me promise that I would make someone happy, and I did. I made him happy. When we first met, he reminded me of a younger version of me- lost, alone, miserable, with no one to turn to. I filled the hole in his heart, even if I wasn't trying to. But then...things went too far. I was having...feelings. Things I didn't want to feel. I was growing too attached, and I think he was too. And if I went long enough, I'd forget about Mom. I needed to do this. I couldn't let relationships in this world drag me down.

So why can’t I forget him?

There’s no use in pondering. It'll all be over soon.

I'm standing at the entrance to a small stone building with a steeple, set some ways off the main road, with geometric patterns in the two large windows that flank the front door. Beside it is a small shed, the car sitting next to it nearly completely covered by snow.

Before Mom got sick, we came here every now and again. Privately, I never believed in this stuff. But she did, and I knew it would upset her if she knew I didn't. She was much too busy to come every Sunday, but she tried her best. I didn't care if God was in our midst or if He was not- my mother was there, and I was, and that's all that mattered to me.

The door creaks when it opens, and I'm immediately hit by a wave of warm, perfume-and-smoke-scented air. In the dim light emanating from candles set around both of the side altars, I can see the faint silhouette of pews lining either side of the room, and then, ascending from the floor, the altar, flowers sat upon it, the figure of a man, hanging limply, his eyes closed, carved in wood on the wall above.

There's no one else here. Not that there would be with this weather. I slowly and quietly approach the altar, flanked by candlelight, but I don't dare to climb the steps. If this is truly the house of God, someone with a heart as stained black as mine would be struck down instantly for daring to transgress on His high place.

I slowly kneel, my knees protesting as they hit the hard floor. The only sound in the small sanctuary is the blood rushing through my ears and the wind howling outside.

"Do you hate me? For what I'm about to do?" I speak softly.

The man on the wall continues to hang there, limp, unmoving.

"Are you going to stop me?"

The seconds tick by, the wind howls, and the man doesn't stir. Of course he wouldn't.

I close my eyes, and as the wind blows and the snow falls, I begin to recite a verse that Mom said over me when I was younger each night, that I heard so many times as I fell asleep.

"The Lord is my shepherd..."

All is still but the wind and the snow.

"I shall not want."

The only movement is the flickering of the votive candles ringing the side altars.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

The man's head does not move. It still remains lifeless, eyes closed as the wind whistles and the snow falls.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

Burning. So many flames, burning orange, red and white.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over."

The man hanging from the wall remains that way. Dead. He isn't opening his eyes to stop me. He doesn't care.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."

I look up. There is no one else in the church. Just me, and the pews, and the candles, and the dead man.

"I don't care where I'm going." I speak softly, aimed directly at the corpse on the wall. "Just...please let me go wherever she is."

He gives no response, and I open the door to step out into the frozen March afternoon, never to return.

The entire Utou Bridge is snowed over as I struggle through the storm to reach it. At points, the snow seems to be as high as my waist. I don't see a single other person or car on the way there. It's perfect. They won't find me until the summer, or ever. It won't have to weigh on Anzu and Honoka and all of them. They won't know. Nobody will know.

I grip the metal rail, so cold that it makes my fingers instinctively flinch back. Below me, the gray Tsutsumi is dotted with chunks of ice, as if a glacier has cleaved into the harbor and the remains are floating downstream.

"This was your favorite spot," I whisper, staring down into the dark, churning abyss. Out of my jacket pocket, I take the photograph of my mother that sat on the frame on my dresser for so many years. The snowflakes land on her enigmatic smile, evaporating immediately.

"Hold on just a little longer. I'll be right there." And then I let go of her picture, watching it flutter, buffeted by the wind, until it disappears into the gaping maw below.

The next thing to go is the diploma that I take out from inside my jacket. I slowly unroll it out of the tube. It's so beautiful. There's my name, in calligraphy...how long did it take to make?

It doesn't matter anymore.

I let it drop, and watch as the raging storm blows it into the ice-dotted river.

Then, I unpin the plastic carnation from my collar underneath my jacket, and toss it in the Tsutsumi below.

I have no more attachments to this world. In my mind's eye, it is not the bitterly cold spring. It's late summer, and I'm four, and I'm in my childhood yukata with the pink flowers on it, holding a ball of cotton candy with one hand and my mother's hand with the other, watching the fireworks overhead.

And then the scene suddenly shifts. It's still the summer, and the festival, but I'm not four years old anymore. I'm eighteen, and I'm holding someone's hand, slender and delicate and warm, but it's not my mother's. It's Kou's. It's a memory I've never had.

...Why am I thinking about him now? What happens with him no longer affects me anymore...

But if he found out, wouldn't he be upset?

He won't find out. No one will find out.

I take a deep breath and hop up onto the metal rail, balancing precariously. The river is right below me, dark and cold and deep.

I at least want my last memory to be a place that I love.

Suddenly, there's a bright light coming from behind me, and a shaky voice. "Young lady, what are you..."

I turn my head around, and the policeman with a flashlight, trudging through the heavy snow, suddenly loses his voice, shrinking back like he's seen a ghost. "Backup! I need backup! Utou Bridge, now!"

It's so close. All I need to do is fall.

And then my mind flashes back to Kou again. How scared he was when I first saw him. He was nothing like his online personality. He was like a dog that had been abandoned. He had nothing to live for.

Just like me.

I gave him happiness. I fulfilled my role. Why can't I get him out of my head?

Then, I think about Christmas, and the festival, and our trip to the far north of the island- he was nothing like what he'd been when I first met him. He was smiling. He struck out on his own, and I went with him.

I had become his reason to live. He had fallen in love with me. I knew it. That's why I ended things with him. I didn't want to leave anything behind in this world.

The voice of the girl working at WcDonald's fills my mind. Sakuta-kun might not look like it, but he's really sensitive.

If he knew what I was about to do...if he found out, it would break him. I see, vividly, in my mind, his scream as he watches me fall. He would never recover from that. Life had taken so much from him, but he still kept on going...but he wouldn't be able to after this.

...I can't do it. The cold, icy embrace of the river is so close, and it's never been further away.

When did I fall in love with Kou, too?

I'm sorry, Mom...I'm so sorry...I didn't want to love anyone else...because I was scared I'd forget all about you...but I can't help it...I can't...I just can't…

I’m just like a firework. They burn brightly, then they explode.

And they leave nothing behind.