Hold Me Closer

It's one of the coldest March days I can remember, and I have to be going insane.

The wind is so intense that it feels like my face is being cut open with every step I take. I know Hashigami won’t be on the bridge today. She hasn’t been here for the past few months, and yet I’m still struggling through the wind and the snow, just to be disappointed. Every single day.

But when I turn the corner and the shape of the Utou Bridge emerges through the storm, I freeze dead in my tracks, standing slackjawed in the middle of the snowdrift.

There, right ahead of me, a policeman frantically barks into his radio, screaming so loud that I can hear it all the way at the base of the bridge.

On the rail of the bridge is Hashigami, balancing on the soles of her two black penny loafers, her long hair being whipped violently in the wind.

My blood runs colder than the air outside. I try to cry out to her, but my voice dies in my throat.

Then, she makes eye contact with me, and they instantly widen in shock. She mouths something that I can't make out, and I try to call out to her-

And then she slips and falls.

I see it in slow motion. She plummets from the railing like a beautiful, pristine feather, or like an angel dropping from heaven, drifting slowly toward the ground...but there is no paradise below.

"HANABI!"

I move without thinking.

I dash forward, faster than I ever have in my life, stretching my hand out. I have to reach her. I have to.

She disappears, plummeting into the icy river, and I don't hesitate. I launch myself off the bridge spread-eagle, right in front of the astonished policeman, still barking orders into his radio.

It's so cold. The water is so cold. As soon as I hit the surface, every muscle in my body stiffens, and my breathing stops, so suddenly that I have to force myself to inhale. It feels like I'm dragging a four-ton truck behind me.

I can't let myself fail. I have to save her. Even if I don't make it...the world won't miss me. But it will miss her.

I can’t breathe. It’s so cold that it’s like my lungs are frozen. I try to gasp for air and it feels like I’m being run through by a sword. Like my ribs are breaking just from inhaling. And yet, even as my breaths grow shallower and shallower and it feels like an elephant is crushing my chest with its foot, I continue to swim, and swim, and swim.

I push on, swimming forward with all my might as my head bobs above and below the rapid water, ice floes rocketing down the river to the left and right of me. She's so close. I can see her right ahead of me, floating on her back as the rapids buffet her back and forth, her eyes closed, her skin whiter than the snow lining each bank of the river far above, a meter or more high. She's not moving. She's given up. I can't.

Every stroke of my arms feels like a thousand knives are slicing into my back and shoulders as my head bobs above and below the water of the Tsutsumi, my breath so ragged it sounds like I’m choking. I keep pushing myself forward. It's so cold, but Hashigami is right there. I've gotten closer to her. The dark shape of her body is floating aimlessly ahead of me as I desperately kick and paddle with every bit of energy I have left in my frail body. Now it feels like my entire body is weighed down- even just moving my arm, and trying to take a breath, takes so much effort. I keep desperately trying to suck in air, but I can’t.

After everything my life has taken from me...it can't take this. I can't let this happen.

My head surfaces above the water. I don't know how far I've gone. I try to breathe deeply, but all I can manage are shallow pants. The water is surging all around me, rushing and cresting on either side of me as chunks of ice scream by like rockets. One particularly large-sized one slams into my right shoulder, sending me tumbling when I don't expect it, my lungs filling with ice-cold water. I surface sputtering and coughing, still moving. Still swimming, as if on instinct. She's just ahead. I haven't gotten ahold of her yet.

There's something white in the murky waters ahead of me, shining like a beacon. It's bobbing up and down, being slapped aside with every wave- it's a sock. It's a pristine white sock, attached to a foot, attached to Hashigami. Her pale, unblemished face is so close that I can reach out and touch it- but with every stroke of my arms and legs, they grow heavier. My body isn't made for this.

I reach out my hand, trying to grab at any part of her floating form, and the water rushes, pushing my hand aside and submerging me. I surface, shaking my head off frantically as I gasp and choke, trying to get my long hair out of my eyes, while the snow falls and the wind blows. She's so far ahead of me now. It can't be more than a meter, but it feels as vast as the distance to the sun.

...I'm not going to be able to reach her.

I'm going to die as I lived. A failure. But there will be no other world with beast girls and superpowers waiting on the other side for me. Instead, there will be nothingness. I failed to reach my childhood dream, as simple as it was, and I'm going to fail to reach Hashigami. Even though she's so close that I can see every detail of her beautiful face. My life has been horrible and miserable. I've worked hard and gotten nothing back from it. But if I managed to save someone from harm, even if it cost me my own life, I wouldn't consider it meaningless. But I can't even do that.

The strokes of my arms and legs grow softer and softer as Hashigami drifts further and further away. That's it. It's over.

I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. You had such great expectations for me...and I couldn't fulfill them.

No. I can't give up here. I have to press on.

It's like a wave of energy has entered me as I kick forward powerfully, thrashing my arms. She's right in front of me. I have to reach her. I have to reach her-

My hand, stretching forward desperately, grabs ahold of something warm.

I've got her. I'm grasping onto her leg as we both float in the rapid water.

I have to pull her in...pull her closer...she's so heavy...why is she so heavy? Why am I so heavy?

She's sinking! She's going under! I'm pulling her under!

As I flail and struggle, her head pops up above the gray waters of the Tsutsumi. She's still breathing. It's faint, and her eyes are closed, but I can see a faint cloud of steam emanating from her nose and mouth.

We have to get to shore. It's getting painful to breathe. I'm grabbing her tightly, my arms around her slender waist, but the cold is unbearable. I'm exerting so much effort just to breathe, let alone move. We can't go any further like this.

I try to swim parallel to the shore, still kicking and flailing like a man possessed, but the current of the river is too strong. We're still being carried helplessly out to sea. Damn it. I knew I should have gotten into weightlifting...

As I desperately try to keep both of our heads above water, I catch a glimpse of the mouth of the river expanding rapidly in front of us. There's nothing on the horizon but dark gray, ice-cold water. We're about to be swept out to sea.

There, right in front of us, as I rapidly kick parallel to the current, is a small patch of boulders, flanking a short retaining wall in front of some warehouses set on a peninsula extending into the sea. I pull and pull with all my might, grabbing Hashigami's lifeless body, racing toward the shore...and then I feel sharp, abrasive rock beneath my hands. Gasping, with one last surge of energy I grab Hashigami and pull her onto the snow-dusted rock, out of the way of the river's current, and then I collapse, trying to suck in air, but all I can do is cough. We need to climb up...but I can't. I can't move a muscle. I keep willing my arms and legs to move, but they're not responding.

I'm so cold. I'm the coldest I've ever been. The snow is still falling, and the wind is still howling, and Hashigami is right next to me, and I'm reaching out to her, and I'm so cold.

...I can't go on. I can't move. The world is slowly dimming as I try to keep my eyes open. But I can't.

There's sounds in the distance. I can barely make out a dull whine as I close my eyes, growing louder and louder until the shrill sound fills my ears, blasting between two sharp tones. Oh. That's a siren. It's getting closer. Maybe the police are coming to arrest me for being a failure of a person. Not that I don't deserve it.

The wail is ear-splitting, but I still can't keep my eyes open. Everything is turning black, getting dimmer and dimmer.

Now there are voices, shouting frantic words I can't make out. I still can't move anything, not even my fingers or toes or eyes.

What are those voices? It's not any language I've ever heard.

Are those angels? Mom and Dad?

Just...I don't care where you take me, but don't hurt Hashigami.

The last thing I remember before everything goes dark is a strong hand clenching my shoulder.