The Calm Before The Storm

I awoke at around 1 PM on Saturday, despite going to bed around 7 PM the day before. My mind felt stuffed with cotton, but in a way that was tolerable and relaxing in comparison to the scrambled mess I’d been for the past week. I had not only woken from a long slumber, but had also emerged from a deeper nightmare my mind had been plunged into. One that convinced me my efforts were paltry, that my life was a disaster, and that nothing I did would ever compare to anyone else’s. Slaving away with draft after draft, my impossibly high standards making it inconceivable to overcome the wall of perfectionism.

It was like all my worst insecurities were amplified in my brain and sending in a feedback loop. Never again did I want to relive that. From now on, eight hours a night no matter fucking what.

Before I turned on my PC or even took a shortcut with my phone, I dragged myself down to make a quick meal. Some eggs and bacon made for a light dish considering how late I woke up. Soon, I grabbed a glass of water after “breakfast” and made my way back up to my room to situate myself at my desk. Hopefully my work was decent even when sleep deprived, because I didn’t have it in me to do anything else but screw around on the internet today.

That, and talk to her. I owed her an apology for vanishing for so long.

TowersFall: hey
TowersFall: i see youre both online so ill make this quick
TowersFall: sorry for disappearing yesterday i was really ill, i know we had that deadline yesterday but i just didnt have time to post all the shit i finished and honestly throwing up more shit at 6 am wouldve been ass
TowersFall: so if its cool and no ones mad about it ill throw up my finished graphics and lore doc rn

When dropsgum began to type and instantly send a message, I knew what was coming.

dropsgum: ((╬◣﹏◢)) ((╬◣﹏◢)) ((╬◣﹏◢)) ((╬◣﹏◢)) ((╬◣﹏◢))
dropsgum: How dare you!!
TowersFall: hey i said i was sorry okay?
dropsgum: That’s not what i mean you dummy!!
dropsgum: I mean how dare you apologize for resting!! Awful awful AWFUL
dropsgum: You should never feel bad about needing to take a break! Hell you know i’ve disappeared off the map sometimes and you were always worried! Of course I was worried too since you always send a message somewhere every day but knowing you were sick?
dropsgum: And you still managed to finish something?
dropsgum: Towers can you get on call real quick?

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. I knew what she was going to hear, and there wasn’t any way I’d be able to disguise it. As I resigned to my fate, I hit the call button and waited for her to accept.

Once she connected, she spoke first before I could formulate a word.

“Can I hear your voice?”

I sighed.

“Of course you can,” I said, though it bordered on being a tired mumble.

“Aha!” she shouted. “I knew it. How much sleep did you get last night? The night before?”

“Last night I slept for nearly 24 hours,” I grumbled. “The night before, uh…”

“Go on.”

“…30 minutes?”

“Oh,” she said, “how dare you! If you were struggling with the deadline we decided on, you could’ve said something instead of pulling all nighters just to make us happy!”

“It was to make you happy!” I blurted out—my face grew hot, and I wanted nothing more in that moment but to scream until my lungs gave out and I died a merciful death.

“I—I mean,” I stammered, because there was no fucking way I meant that obviously it must’ve been on impulse because she’s a good friend to me—“I wanted to be responsible. And. Stick to what I promised. I had a lot more schoolwork that I thought too, plus my mom asking me to do stuff. It all stacked up.”

“Er…still, why didn’t you say anything sooner?” she said. At least my first comment went unacknowledged, though my mind lingered more on her hesitant pause than I’d like to admit.

“Pride, I think,” I said. “Sorry again.”

A sigh pierced her mic. Her awful feedback always seemed to plague her. “You’ve always been so stuck up. But I like that about you, too.”

The words barely processed in my head before a small shriek eked out from her.

“I mean—I think it’s cool! How dedicated you are, and even if you’ve been really stubborn about it before, you have so much passion, and creativity and determination aaaaand…what I’m saying is, sometimes passion can be so strong it hurts you.”

Her voice cracked. “It can fill your mind with thoughts that if you keep pushing yourself, that if you just try and try to be better and do more that one day it’ll be enough. You’ll have proved yourself, found your reason to exist.”

“But that’s just a nightmare,” I said. “It’s lies. It only hurts the people around you to see you like that.”

“Exactly. Even if you do accomplish what you wanted to do, you’ll have hurt those around you by forcing them to witness your pain. Like it’s some kind of punishment towards yourself. In the end, though, it’s all unneeded suffering, you know?”

The way she spoke about this was too personal.

She must have been through it herself.

“Do you know?” I prompted, which caused her to fall silent.

“…Maybe,” she said, then yawned. She stopped halfway, though. “Crap! I didn’t want you to—“

“dropsgum,” I sighed. “Remember to practice what you preach too, y’know. If I find out you’re pulling all-nighters too, I might finally have to organize some kind of IRL meet-up just to glue you to your bed.”

Her voice peaked with a loud bout of laughter. “Catch me if you can! But, um, seriously…thanks. Let’s just both promise to cool it with the tight deadlines and just have fun with this?”

I slouched back in my chair. “Don’t need to tell me again.”

“Good! Gosh, I’m so craving some chocolate now—oh, rain’s in the chat. I almost forgot he could join this VC too.”

Shit, I forgot too. “Mind if I hang up then?”

“It’s cool! I wanna grab a snack, and…well!”

She lowered her voice to a whisper. “My voice is a sweet treat only for your ears.”

She hung up immediately after, leaving my ears to grow as bright as red licorice. No, she was just kidding. Forget, forget, just forget about it already!

In a desperate attempt to snap back to reality, I checked the text chat for the DM group.

rainDrips: Are you both discussing RP topics in the VC? If possible, I’d like you to summarize in text. I don’t think I feel comfortable enough to join even on mute, haha.
dropsgum: Oh we’re just talking about friend stuff so you don’t gotta worry!!
dropsgum: Anyways towers said he was super finished with his stuff so once he sends it could you add it to the site? I think we’re almost ready!!!
TowersFall: here u go

[TowersFall added finalworklookingglass.zip]

TowersFall: u got it all right
rainDrips: Looks good to me.
rainDrips: I’ll get this inserted to the site. Once that’s done…
rainDrips: *drumroll*
rainDrips: I think we can finally start advertising to other people!
dropsgum: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ
TowersFall: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Was it worth the pain, toil, and emotional agony? Perhaps not. But the feeling you get after completing such a project, after persevering against odds you may have set up against yourself for little reason other than procrastination?

It was comparable to nothing else. It was bliss, the collapse after a marathon, the deep dream after a long nightmare.

So I thought at the time…

But I wasn’t prepared for the next hurdle ahead of us.