Vulnerable

Kritvik Bhatt

“Man, I gotta make things alright.”

I was sitting at my desk inside my classroom. I had my head tilted leftward, toward the windows which exposed the dazzling blue sky and the gray clouds. That day too, for some reason, was dark, man. My head was balancing on my left hand, which stood on the table. On my right hand was a blue pen, which I was flickering between my middle and index fingers. The notebook pages were blank, for some reason.

Everyone in the classroom was sitting quietly, with their head tilted to the front at the blackboard where an old woman in a traditional all-pink kurta-pajama was writing something with her white chalk. The taps of the chalk echoed in the whole classroom, for some reason.

“Why are these days so… cloudy?” I thought to myself. “Good that the day when we went to JenCon was sunny. It was so great.”

Tap. Tap. Tap. Bang. The chalk in the hands filled with wrinkles hit the blackboard continuously.

“But now, Aaryan is angry with me because of it,” I continued to think.

The woman suddenly turned backward at us and announced, “So, this is the poem that’s provided in the question.” She then turned her head to the open book in her left hand and said, “There’s no space on the blackboard for writing questions, so write it quickly so that I can erase it and start writing the questions.”

I turned my head to the front, looked at the blackboard, and then turned my head to my notebook and started to copy it out.

Ding, dong! Ding, dong! The bell echoed around the white school building, for some reason.

In the classroom, everyone stood up and, obviously, sang, “Thaaank yoooou, ma’aaaaaam!”

The English teacher turned to the teachers’ desk on her right—to the left of me—and started to collect her books. She then turned back toward the door on the right and started to walk away as she said, “Welllllcoooome, children!”

There were some little rounds of laughter as I looked at her back turning leftward and vanishing in the corridor.

Sana then turned her head backward at me and asked, “It’s lunchtime, right?”

I turned my eyes to her and nodded, closing my notebook on the desk.

She nodded and turned frontward again.

By then, everyone in the classroom had started to walk here and there and chat, obviously.

I turned my head rightward at the bag kept on the ground beside my chair. I opened its zip, took my books, stuffed them in, closed the zip, then opened another zip, took out my lunchbox and banged it on the table, and then closed the zip. I then turned my head to my lunchbox and started to open its lid as Sana moved her legs out of the desk to the right and twisted her body rightward. She then kept her lunchbox on my table and turned her head to me. “Why is Kavya absent today?” She asked as she turned to her lunchbox and started to open its lid. “Like, did she tell you anything?”

“No, man. I thought you’d know.” I took a bite in.

“No, she didn’t tell me anything, you see.” She opened the aluminum foil, which obviously crackled. She then took in her first bite and started to chew as she turned her head to me. “Well, you seem kinda stressed about something.”

“Huh?” I frowned as I chewed my food. I then gulped in and turned my head to her. “Why?”

“Dunno. You kinda seem… serious, you see. Like, not in the mood to have fun or something.”

I smiled a little. “Nah, man. I’m alright.” I then took another bite.

She nodded as she turned her head to her lunchbox and took another bite in. As she chewed, she said, “Neeh. Sothing’s up, yo see.”

“No.”

She gulped in and worriedly turned to me. “Did your mom say something to you?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to look toward her eyes, for some reason, so I kept on glaring at my lunchbox as I gulped in.

“Well, nothing really happened in school. Did you have a fight with your friends or something, then?”

I started to scratch the back of my head as I nodded.

She frowned. “Tell me everything.”

“Uh, it’s not that interesting, man.”

“Either you’re telling me this or I’m never talking to you.”

I turned my eyes and glared at her. “I-I had a fight with Aaryan.”

“Why?” She asked me, staring straight into my eyes.

I tilted my eyeballs downward, moved my hand down to my neck, and continued to scratch my skin. I wasn’t even feeling itchy, but still, for some reason, I continued to scratch. “A-Actually, it was Aaryan’s birthday on Sunday, so I’d lied to him about some stuff and didn’t attend his party. H-He then somehow got to know I was with you, a-and I got to know that none attended his birthday party, for some reason. So he was kinda angry with us, e-especially from me, since I was the only one who had l-lied.”

She nodded as she took another bite in and started to chew. “Did he shout at you?”

I gulped in. I continued to glare downward at my lunchbox. “Punched me too.”

She gulped in. “He didn’t really seem like a good guy to me anyway, you see. Good that you won’t be spending time with him now.” She turned to her lunchbox and said, “When I see him, I’d punch him back in the face. Really hard. And tell him to say sorry to you.”

I chuckled. “Damn, man.”

She turned her eyes to me. “I’m really serious, emo.”

I turned my eyes at her and looked into her eyes. “Don’t do that, man. He’s my friend, and I gotta make things alright.”

“No. Don’t.” She turned to her lunchbox and took another bite.

“Huh? Why?” I questioningly frowned.

“He’s a bad guy,” She said while chewing.

“Man, he’s changed,” I smiled.

“I doubt.” She gulped in and then took another bite in. “Anyway, I guess that you should focus on finishing your lunch.”

I turned my eyes to my lunchbox. “Man, I don’t really feel hungry, for some reason.”

She gulped in again and turned her eyes to me. I too turned to her as she looked dead-serious into my eyes. “I’m gonna slap your face if you don’t eat it.”

I chuckled again. “Okay, okay. Don’t be angry with me.”

We both then turned to our own lunchboxes and took our bites in at once. Both of us continued to chew our food silently for a few seconds.

For some reason, as seconds passed and I continued to chew, my eyes slowly got emotional. I then gulped in, and so did she. As both of us were moving another bite in, I suddenly commented. “You’re acting like my mom right now.”

“Because you’re such an emo, you see,” She said with a little smile as she turned her head to me. She then worriedly frowned and started to move her hand downward toward her lunchbox again as she looked at my eyes. “E-Emo, are you crying?”

I frowned. “Huh? Me?” I took a bite in as I turned my head to her. “No. I don’t cry.”

“Y-You are, emo.”

I turned my head downward. “Maybe it kinda feels a little too good to know that someone cares, man.” The lump in my throat was rising. I then turned frontward again and looked into her worried eyes.

“I-I…”

I smiled. “And I’m not crying, man.”

She moved her right hand up front and touched my left cheek. “You can cry, emo. It’s okay.”

“In between the whole class? No.” I shook my head, still smiling painfully, for some reason.

Her thumb wiped the tears off my left eye. “Well, I’ll make sure no one knows about it.”

I continued to glare into her eyes for a couple of seconds. My lips were a little open, for some reason, as I looked at her worried face.

“I loved her so much. I loved her so damn much. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to always be with her. At that moment, I wanted to be vulnerable in front of her. I wanted to cry… cry damn hard. And, I wanted to hug her. I wanted her to hug me back. I wanted her to caress me. I wanted her to tell me in that sweet voice of hers that it’s alright. I wanted her to tell me that she was there—that she would always be there. I wanted her to assure me that everything would be okay. I wanted her to… to help me out. But, to be honest, I knew that… we could not be like that in front of all those people. We could not be like that in school. We could not be like that in the neighborhood either. I, after all, was just a sixteen-year-old guy who is not really allowed to love right now, for some reason. No doubt—I loved her, but…”

A drop of tear fell off my left cheek. It went straight to her pink thumb beneath my eye, and she wiped it off. She then moved her other hand to my face. I closed my eyes damn hard, trying not to leak out more tears, but… a few more drops came out and landed right on her thumb.

“Life is… bittersweet, huh? A day is filled with both good stuff and bad stuff, for some reason. But, I believe that if the day is filled with more of good stuff and less of bad stuff, it’s a good day, and if the day is filled with more of bad stuff, it’s a bad day. No day is completely good or bad, no doubt.”