When it Rains it Pours

We both agreed to wait until we returned to Oeuvre before we talked; Earth wasn’t the place for that kind of conversation so we were silent as we touched down in the courtyard of Oeuvre’s Main Building and made for Jun’s Office area.

Although it technically only belonged to Jun, I frequently -almost always- did my work on the opposite side of their banquet table-esque desk and they hadn’t asked me to leave so I’d stayed.

They hadn’t said they minded me there so I assumed my continued presence was acceptable -or maybe even welcome- and kept returning to complete my Cupid duties in their space as opposed to mine.

It was nice just to be in close proximity with them and it also meant I could spy on them while they focused and mumbled quietly to themselves. (Initially, learning how to actually get my own work done while they were such a distraction was quite a steep learning curve but I’d managed; eventually.)

We sat in the grass instead of our chairs, a common thing we would do when we needed a break or -as I discovered- when Jun rested during the middle hours of the day just to give their eyes and mind a momentary reprieve.

It was comfortable and familiar, the soft sound of water providing white noise to prevent silence as the slight hint of a breeze shivered through the longer grass at the edges of the space.

Jun hadn’t looked at me fully since we’d returned, only sparing me quick glances from the corner of their eyes before they’d readjust their attention ahead of them and step a little faster.

“So… I think we both know what this is about...”

I couldn’t find a way to start the conversation in a better way; there were no words I could think of that didn’t sound dramatic or ominous when trying to seriously discuss a topic that affected both of us so intimately, so exactly with scalpel like precision.

They nodded, still keeping their eyes firmly attached to the smooth stone they had begun fiddling with when we sat down as they turned it over and over between their fingers. A noise of affirmation was made in the back of their throat to acknowledge my words, a stalling gesture that filled the air between us before their own words slowly followed.

“...yes; I believe we do.”

This felt very similar to the short exchange we had made while we were on Earth, but I supposed that couldn’t be helped as I tried to swallow past the tightness in my throat and move forward toward the actual discussion.

“I– my Replacement; it’s almost finished.”

There, I said it. (Not particularly proficiently, but the meaning was there and it was… we could build off of that. Hopefully.)

Actually, it was worse than that; my Replacement was pretty much complete, not ‘almost’ in the slightest since there wasn't anything I had to do before I was led away like Hana was. All that was left were tasks I wanted to finish before departure but the main thing– the only thing I didn’t want to leave was… Jun.

My Jun, who I could barely consider leaving but hated myself all the more because there were times when I did.

I had stayed this long only because of them, dragging my progress out over long periods of time so I could blame that as my reason for procrastinating my decision. Like a coward and a fool, I let myself ignore the hard decision I knew I’d have to make just because I was conflicted.

They paused as my words reached their ears, the slightly oblong stone going still in their hands as they finally lifted their head and looked at me.

“I know.”

My stomach immediately twisted itself into a painful knot, my eyes feeling tight and prickly even though I wasn’t quite sure why they did at this particular moment out of any.

Maybe it was the resignation in the voice; their sober expression betrayed unfettered sadness like they didn’t have a doubt I would even consider staying. Like I hadn’t tried my best to make it extensively clear how much they–

“You have been overqualified for Replacement for… months.”

And that meant I was completely caught out in my lie; of course they knew even sooner than I had which only further exposed my disgusting indecisiveness.

And all while I was feeding them words that strongly suggested forever; how empty– how painful my actions must have felt to them when they knew I was toying with the idea of leaving.

But… their words meant that all this time -while they knew I was continuously oscillating between going or staying because of them- they hadn’t once even… asked me.

So cleverly intelligent and blunt with how they felt, my brilliant Jun had known all along and they still hadn’t confronted me directly like they were usually so quick to do.

Does that mean I’m special?

Or did that mean I wasn’t.

In the previous months -and even now although I tried my best to smother it- a selfish part of me was desperate for Jun to ask me to stay; because I would have, absolutely in a heartbeat. If Jun had asked or even voiced their preference over my presence versus not I’m sure my decision would have been easier.

Maybe it was selfish -of course it was selfish- but a small seed of doubt had sowed in my mind every time I had carefully approached the subject of my Replacement in a backward way and Jun had never said that they liked me being with them. That they wanted me there.

Of course, I had supposed it was always heavily implied but the words themselves were never said; and me, being the coward I was, had never mustered up enough courage to ask.

“You– yes, I have.”

There was no use denying it, and for as far as my lack of spine had gotten me there was no reason for me to be shy now that my disgraceful actions had been transparent all along; there was no reason to pretend because they already knew.

So, heart in my mouth and chest tight, I pushed my apprehension away and… asked.

“Do you want me– would you like me to stay.”

The words came out a little too strongly to be a question but at least they were out, the question I had been agonizing over for months as I held Jun selfishly close and listened to them sing me to sleep in a language I didn’t understand when they thought I had already drifted too far from consciousness to hear.

As I savored every second as if it were my last because it very well might have been; a true hell of my own making just because I wasn’t strong enough to decide.

And they’d had to witness my games as if my happiness mattered more than theirs.

How could I even think it was alright for me to ask what I had of them?

How could I even– well, I knew why; I was selfish. And desperate, my insides stewed so deeply in indecisiveness and self imposed anxiety that the lines of what was fair had blurred beyond recognition.

And, as I said, I was selfish for Jun; for their attention and time and dazzling mind that so easily shared whenever asked. Selfish for every moment we spent talking with our hands clasped tightly together and the way clear cerulean came alight when presented with gifts like the concept was foreign when applied to them; be it surgery desserts or braided leather ties to be threaded through their hair, it hurt to the point of nearly bursting with how much I wanted to keep all of that.

Those things mattered so deeply to me, but maybe it was the uniquely human part of myself that needed as well; the part that was starved for approval and was strong enough to hold back the torrent of other feelings from flooding forward so I would wait to hear what their answer would be.

So they would tell me that they needed me, too.

So I waited for their response, fingers numb and tongue plastered to the roof of my mouth as I saw the full range of emotions flicker across their features; I could wait, it would never make up for how long they’d had to wait on me without answer.

Jun was never at a loss for words.

There was hardly a time I could remember when they didn’t have an answer for whatever might have been asked of them; always the master of wielding words to perfectly capture their exact intent with pinpoint accuracy.

And yet, despite all their aptitude, they fumbled to answer what I had thought was a simple question. It was ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Of all people, how could they not know what the answer was; I needed them to know. To tell me; to decide.

I was desperate for it.

“There isn’t- my own opinion doesn’t…”

Their eyes met mine pleadingly, like I was asking them to move mountains for me and yet refusing to do the same for them; and, in a way, I suppose I was. I was.

I hated every thought I had in that moment and every agonizing second I waited as we sat there and I continued to ask. Like I had the right to ask anything of them when they had been at my mercy for all these months; forced to endure the pain of not knowing.

They must have questioned if I was being sincere with them, of course they would’ve had to. Maybe they were even hoping every time we met that I would simply smile at them and tell them ‘don’t worry, I’m staying. I choose you’. Just like I was pleading for them to do now.

But I hadn’t; and I still wasn’t because that small voice in my chest saying ‘Earth will always be home’ refused to die no matter how much I tried to snuff it out or ignore it.

And what am I supposed to do!

“-it’s your decision.”

Their words may have been an outright refusal with the way it made my insides feel, their expression turning devastated as their eyes dropped once more to the stone clenched tightly between their fist.

It wasn’t the time for them to pull away from me, I wanted-needed their honesty; I needed them to look at me.

“But what do you want?”

I insisted, throat growing tight as I fought to hear over the rushing in my ears.

“What I want is irrelevant… it’s your decision.”

They repeated again, voice getting even softer as I saw a stray beam of light dance off their fluttering lashes, shimmering blue reflecting green for a moment before their hair shielded the colors from my view as they angled their face away once more.

I couldn’t catch my breath, no amount of air sufficient to fill my lungs as I choked out more words that I should have backspaced before they even had a chance to escape.

“Ask– ask me to stay.”

Tell me you need me– you want me, too. Please.

It was a gamble, a bet far too big with the cards I currently had but the words were out in the open between us before I could stop them, each syllable dragging a piece of my foolish heart with them as I watched and waited in silence.

“It’s–”

I had to close my eyes to brace for the words that I knew would come next, my teeth biting into my tongue so the torrent of whatever was rushing forward would stay trapped within me; pleading with them mentally that they wouldn’t–

Don’t say it.

“-your choice.”

My eyes flew open, a cold splash of panic gripping me as my hand reached out to curl around theirs.

“Ask me–” my voice cracked but I didn’t even notice. “Ask me to– tell me to stay!”

My mouth was running away from me on wings I didn’t consciously Manifest, emotion climbing up my throat to choke me as I tilted my head to keep my gaze level with Juns as they lowered theirs further, desperate for the eye contact since they hadn’t returned my physical request.

“Please, ask me.”

I had to stop, repeating words that were only born from paranoid distress wouldn’t solve anything but I couldn’t and the less they reacted the more I needed–

Please, please ask me. I’d stay if you told me to; I need to tell me you want this. I’m sorry I’m sorry please, just once. Just once.

They hesitated over and over again as their mouth opened and shut, eyes getting deeper and glossy as their chest rose and fell quicker than I’d ever seen. The sound of my heart beating erratically as the echoes of my pleading faded away was louder than their words once they finally spoke.

Their voice was gentle, more tender than anything close to the fiery emotion -I didn’t know which one- I was experiencing and I wanted to bite through my tongue at the guarded kindness in their voice.

How dare they act like they were showing me mercy with their silence.

They were speaking, but their words were nothing but silence meant to placate and tread water so they wouldn’t have to say what they actually wanted, because no one could blame them if they weren’t the ones making the important decisions.

They were especially good at that when it came to me.

“It’s your choice.”

There was something that felt like sickness growing within me, something sticky and deceptively sharp as it clawed up my insides and forced its way through my chest. It settled like an impenetrable haze in my mind and shocked me with hurt and cold that stung like a frigid burn as it coursed through my senses.

I heard my voice crackle and staccato into an uneven whisper with gasping little breaths as I removed my tongue from where I’d been pressing a bruise into the roof of my mouth and slowly withdrew my hand from overtop theirs; they hadn’t intertwined our fingers after I’d reached out so it was easy to remove.

There was heat slowly painting thin channels down my cheeks which I deliberately ignored but made no move to staunch as my quiet words floated atop the weighted silence between us.

“Then I guess I’d…”

I waited, just in case they looked at me with any expression that told me they were upset with what I was insinuating.

But they didn’t, so I continued in that same low, halting voice.

“...I’d go.”