My Feelings are Bleeding, I'll Catch Them on Paper

Things were… well, I hated to use the word but things were complicated.

I always rolled my eyes when a character in a movie or book said ‘it’s complicated’ when asked about their relationship with their co-main character, but now I understood where they were coming from; because there really wasn’t any other word that could properly sum up the situation I’d found myself in.

It just was -simply- complicated; too much to explain in one paragraph and much too tiring to even think about in that moment, but it was important so I couldn’t just let it go. Wouldn’t let it go.

How could I explain something so big?

Everything hurt. My head and my heart and my eyes from how much they constantly stung with emotions that were too large to be expressed by something as standard as tears.

I hated it, but I couldn’t help but feel a small sense of relief to finally have an answer, even if the outcome had made me physically sick; at least I was done with not knowing, right?

After the talk I’d had with Jun, we hadn’t seen each other for the remainder of the day despite the great need within me yearning to fix; my state of mind finally cooling back into rational thinking once my consciousness had burned through the desperation and manic pleading that had taken hold of me before.

A Hailing had stopped me before I’d dragged myself from bed and ran off to go find Jun, my wrist passing over my ear to accept as I twisted my blankets into a knot beside me; a flare of nervousness bubbling up in my stomach because what if it was them.

“Greetings fellow Herald, my name is… and I will be handling the finalization of your Replacement.”

Like the blade on a guillotine free falling to cleave the head from someone’s shoulders, their words acted as the precision tool that sliced clean through the resolve I had gathered only seconds prior; my will being cut without warning as I disbelievingly slumped forward over my lap like a directionless marionette.

“...what?!”

I wasn’t listening to whoever was on the opposite end of the Hailing, I had to listen because they were still talking-.

“-informed that the previous Auspice -Jun- felt unfit to complete your Replacement and, therefore, you were reassigned to my care. I persevere to provide the utmost assistance to whatever you may need to complete your Replacement, which is very little as I understand.”

Jun felt unfit to complete my-

“Hold on -sorry- you mean that Jun isn’t going to be handling my Replacement? Or anything regarding… me?”

“That is correct.”

I couldn’t breathe again.

I guess there wasn’t any use in trying to reconcile; they’d made their choice abundantly clear.

“I-I see…”

My eyes started to burn -they were still swollen and hot from previous use- but I forced myself to settle with a deep inhale in and careful exhale; I had to keep myself together, I’d made my choice and they’d responded with theirs in kind. (The regret I felt didn’t matter because nothing that had happened wasn’t fair even if I felt like it wasn’t.)

“Then… if you’re going to handle my Replacement, I assume you have my file.”

They made an affirming noise, a shuffling of papers being heard but slightly muffled since I was hearing it second hand.

“Good. Um- so, just to clarify-” I blinked my eyes hard so I didn’t start spiraling, fingers feeling cold and heavy as my chest was as I stared down at the papers in my lap; the written words scrawled across them feeling increasingly foolish the more the reality of my situation sunk in.

Jun is not my Instructor any more; Jun isn’t my anything any more. Jun isn’t-

“-is there anything else I need to do before I initiate the final… step?”

My Replacement file was something I hadn’t personally looked at for a very long time; it was a deliberate choice that I’d made because I hadn’t wanted to know. If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have to make a choice.

Move forward, get this done, and end the suffering for both of you; they’ll only hurt more the longer you’re here.

“The core requirements have been met. And, as I’m sure you know, Oeuvre is based very heavily on intent so if you feel as though you are ready to return back to your planet… or more aptly, if you feel you are finished then yes, you are ready to initiate the final step.”

I didn’t hesitate to respond, using the back of my hand to wipe the wetness that had begun to flow from my eyes without consent from bleeding onto the papers in my lap; I was glad -at least- that my voice didn’t shake like I feared it would.

“I’m ready; I’m ready now.”

“Very well, I will be there shortly to escort you.”

The quicker the better.

-

“Birdie! How are you this– what happened to you!”

The Fairy was out of her seat and flying over to squish my face between her small hands before I could even open my mouth to begin speaking; concerned ruby eyes studying my features as if they would tell her the answers she wished for faster than I could verbally express them.

She lifted her gaze and spotted the Auspice behind me, a flash of understanding making her eyes flare for a moment as her fingers tightened where they had come to rest on my shoulders.

“Mm...so that’s why Jun didn’t come...”

Her wings seemed to hesitate, her figure dipping in the air for a second before she quickly corrected herself so she didn’t fall.

She gave me a smile, kind and knowing although bittersweet with a sour note of sadness that couldn't be ignored as she flew into my chest to wrap me in an excruciatingly tight hug that -for once- I didn’t complain about; delicate arms stretching wide so she could fit as much of me against her as she could, so we could be close.

“So it’s time for you to go home, huh?”

Her words were muffled against my shirt but I could still hear the slight tremor in her voice as she said them, a fresh biting stab of pain lancing through my chest and prickling at my eyes as I returned her embrace and rested my cheek atop her fiery hair.

“Yeah… something like that.”

I could feel the questions she had lingering unspoken between us; she wouldn’t ask to satiate her own curiosity when I -or… Jun- were seriously torn up about something. For all her nosiness, she was kind and knowledgeable when it came to matters of the emotions, she knew when to press and when to let things lie.

“I sincerely wish you nothing but-but happiness, Birdie. Jin.”

A solid smile was presented to me once Cyan withdrew from our embrace and fluttered up to press a soft kiss at the crest of my forehead, rushing in for once last squeeze that I easily returned before looking up to nod at the Auspice behind me.

I assumed they must have returned the gesture because the Fairy seemed satisfied after that.

“Just… remember one thing for me when you’re there, okay?”

I nodded easily, eager to hear what Cyan would say.

“Of course; anything.”

“Really focus on what you want, that’ll be what leads you home.”

A little confused, I nodded again and started to ask her what she meant but she only waved at me one last time and grinned before turning and disappearing in the crowd; it only took a light fast flash that forced me to blink before she was gone.

“Are you ready?”

The Auspice’s voice behind me made me startle, not that I had forgotten his presence but… well, I actually had in the moment as I stared at the place Cyan had been only seconds ago. That was the last time… it felt as if I could maybe prolong the moment if I didn’t blink and continued to keep my gaze exactly where she had been.

But time continued to tick forward regardless of anyone’s pleas, so I was forced to move on and nod to the Auspice’s question; gesturing for them to lead the way towards wherever I would need to go next..

In the short amount of time between their initial Hailing and my departure, I’d managed to finish the letter I’d been drafting prior to the Hailing; the letter which I then folded into a square and slipped into my pocket before the Auspice was made to wait for too long at my door.

Initially, I was going to give it to Cyan but I’d thought better of it at the last moment and kept it to myself; it wouldn’t feel right unless I was the one to deliver it.

“Um… actually, could we stop at one more place before?”

“Sure thing.”

The Auspice nodded his head and easily allowed me to take the lead; his name was something I felt hesitant to try and accurately pronounce but he’d told me I could call him ‘Kitsu’ or ‘Kit’.

Thankfully, I hadn’t needed to address him by name just yet and had been able to get away with answering his questions or simply starting to speak since I’d felt a little awkward using a nickname for someone I’d only just met.

We arrived outside of Jun’s office far sooner than I would have liked, both my boots and stomach feeling like lead as I shakily raised a hand and knocked.

I didn’t knock– hadn’t knocked since I first started my Auspice Rotation Training, not here but it didn’t feel right to go in without receiving permission first now that… after what had happened.

For all the paranoid thoughts I’d had before, the fallout we’d exploded between had not been an option in my mind and I truly hated how things had happened and -subsequently- ended; how had I even let things get that bad?

If only I had only confronted my conflicts right away; if I had made a choice or confessed how I was feeling then maybe…

But why couldn’t Jun say they wanted me to stay?

I forced myself to refocus my thoughts to where I was as my knuckles rapped against the thick wooden door, holding my breath to try and slow my racing heartbeat as I waited and waited.

There wasn’t an answer. Either they weren’t in their office or they were purposefully not answering. (I hoped it was the former although I couldn't blame them if it was the latter.)

I knocked again - a little harder this time- but still received no answer.

So it had come down to that then.

I’d hoped that the delivery of my letter would decide my fate -or whether ‘yes’ or ‘no’ I would talk to Jun- but since they weren’t there, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t try everything to see them before I… left.

My insides twisted into knots just at the thought, a monster crafted from trepidation and guilt rearing its sizable head as I closed my eyes so I could focus. (I hadn’t needed to put that much effort into a Hailing since the very first days of my arrival on Oeuvre.)

…call Jun. I want– I want to talk to Jun.

“Yes.”

It took me almost all the willpower I held to not immediately disconnect the Hailing or simply pour all of the feelings I was fighting tooth and nail to keep contained in my chest from rushing out and into Jun’s ear; I’d only barely managed to hold myself together while writing but hearing their voice was…

“H-Hi it’s– it’s me.”

Unlike the usual routine, I was not greeted with the usual ‘hello Jin’ that never failed to fill me with fluttery warmth and was instead greeted with silence; save for a sharp inhale that made my chest pang.

There may have been a quiet, quiet ‘oh’ but it was so soft that I wasn’t sure if I’d actually heard it or not.

I pushed onward.

“I-I know I’m– you probably don’t want to hear from me but… I just– I wrote you a letter; I'm going to slip it under your office door and I didn’t want you to find it after I was– gone and think that I ran away… you don’t deserve that.”

You deserve everything; how can I think I have the right to say what you deserve?

I had to pause so I could catch my breath, a shuddering inhale that matched theirs providing air to my burning lungs.

And still, I was met with silence; but the Hailing was still connected so they were listening, and that was enough.

“It’s not an excuse.” I looked down to the letter clutched tightly between my fingers, tracing over the three letters I’d used to write Jun in the center before I had to close my eyes again so I could refocus and end both of our misery that was this one sided conversation.

“-but they’re words I wanted to say anyway, I understand if you don’t want to read them; you don’t owe me the personal satisfaction of hearing me out so that’s why it’s there– here. You can decide if you want to read it or not. And…”

I puffed out a strangled chuckle, more air than amusement as I tried to slide the letter under the door but failed; there was no need for a gap underneath them like there was on Earth, each Herald office area was sealed so I’d need to open the door if I wanted to get it into Jun’s office.

“-well, I can’t slide it under the door; you know what, I’m sorry for bothering you, just– it’s not that big of a deal, I’ll give it to–” a look was cast to the Auspice standing politely behind me “-Kitsu, he can deliver it to you, okay?”

Another long moment of silence only made my face burn and I was regretting my decision to Hail Jun more and more as each second passed, a hollow sort of ache inflating in my chest as I shook my head in the hopes to clear it.

“Okay, I’m– I’m going to end the Hailing now, good-”

“Wait.”

Everything stopped.

My breathing, my words, my heart for a split second of dangerous rapture before everything slowly resumed and I swallowed to try and regain some moisture in my suddenly dry mouth.

“...yes?”

“Read… read it to me…?”

Oh.

I didn’t know if I could handle that.

“Oh– o-okay…”

I saw my hands shake as I carefully unfolded the letter, clearing my throat as I stared shamefully down at the words I had let flow freely onto paper without censor. Could I even do this?

A shuffling noise from behind reminded me of Kitsu’s presence, a high blush coloring all the way to the tips of my ears as at his purposefully distracted expression; very intently staring down the hall in the attempt to give me privacy. It was very much appreciated although it didn’t change the fact that he was there to witness my pathetic… shame.

“Ah…”

“Do you remember where you went for your Visit?”

His question made me pause for a second before I nodded slowly.

“When you’re finished here, Hail me and I’ll meet you there to proceed; take however long you need.”

And then they disappeared with a polite nod and what I thought to be a shadow of a distantly encouraging smile, or maybe it was pain with having to witness the disaster that was myself.

His departure was a relief, but that also meant that I was alone with Jun; their pensive breaths sent waves of nervousness through me as I redirected my attention downward to the letter between my fingers.

Okay, just read what’s there.

“To Jun.”

A flutter of nausea demanded that I stop and breathe for a moment, then adjust the communication piece in my ear although it was steady as always before I blinked to bring the words back into focus and continued.

I would need to edit as I went, the only thing I could remember is that I was a little too honest, my feelings and emotions being written in their plainest, most overzealous and awkward form in my haste to write them all down. Maybe I could’ve gotten away with them as a letter, but not if I was actually saying them.

“You- you deserve to have everything you want– even when you can’t outwardly say what it is; you deserve to have… and I’m so sorry my words mean practically nothing because I couldn’t even give you myself when I– I should have.”

This wasn’t good for me, another torrent of anxious nausea washing through my consciousness and sending numbness to my extremities as I bit my tongue so I didn’t say anything other than what was written.

“...keep going. Please.”

They were actually asking; they never asked for anything.

I could answer; I could do that if they made the effort to ask.

“Okay-um… can’tevengiveyoumyself-ah, I’m not selfish enough to say that things are better this way, that you’re better off this way because it was ultimately your decision to be with me even if I didn’t–don’t think I deserve it. I won’t tell you your decision is the wrong one because it’s yours… and I don’t have that right.”

It was easier to fall into my role of narrator when asked; it meant that I was fulfilling a request versus forcing an unwilling party to listen. They wanted to hear what I was saying even if they didn't like what they heard.

“It’s hard to take all I feel and try to articulate them into words, I can’t even really put labels on the feelings within myself and it’s even harder when I know you would understand everything I was trying to say if you just looked at me; you always seemed to know and I’m so grateful for every single second. Words are your mastery, but I hope that I can do a good enough job so my thoughts come out half legible.”

“They do.”

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to hear that, the words were so quiet that I wondered if Jun even knew they’d said them.

All the things I was reciting were my words, and it was hard to distinguish them as the thoughts I had written down previously as opposed to my own stream of consciousness being driven by my regret and painfully honest affection.

They cut me off before I was able to continue, their gentle but firm voice shaking me to my core as I squeezed my eyes tight so I didn’t miss a word.

“I… I want you to live your happiest life Jin, that is what I truly want.”

It was a foreign feeling to hear the word ‘want’ come out of the Auspice’s mouth, and I hated that this was the circumstances in which I heard it.

The words didn’t feel like they would lead to anything, that ‘anything’ being something I wasn’t even sure of myself but there was a part of me that hoped for… something; anything even.

They hurt even more because I knew Jun meant it; truly, with their entire being, they thought that the place I would be happiest was not with them.

And it stung the most that they wouldn’t believe me if I tried to correct them with the truth.