The Last Time I Felt Loved

Kritvik Bhatt

I was just about a dozen steps away from the back gate of the school. I had my bag hung on my right shoulder and my hands inside the pockets of my pants. I stood there, frozen for a second. I remember that there were bushes and stuff on my left in front of the wired wall with a bungalow on the other side, maybe. On my right side was the football field of the school.

The sun was shining brightly just a second ago, for some reason. Maybe a cloud came in, and the scorching sunrays were gone, man. The atmosphere… suddenly changed.

I turned my head backward.

Sana was smiling at me as she waved at me while walking on the right of Daksh, obviously.

I smiled too—a painful one, maybe.

They both reached me and I started to walk on Sana’s right. “How was the paper?” I asked her.

“Well, not as good as you,” She replied with a smile.

“Damn, mine wasn’t really good, maybe. I’m confused about the answers to some questions, and the assertion-reason ones were quite tough too.”

Her eyes widened—and so did her smile. “If you’re struggling, then what will happen to me?!”

“Don’t worry,” I turned my head to her. “You’ll do just fine, no doubt.”

She turned to me too, frowned a little, and then turned her head frontward. Then, for some reason, she turned her head to me again, still frowning a little.

Both of us stepped outside the school gate filled with some guards in black clothes and turned left on the street, just like always, man.

As Sana glared into my eyes, Daksh was saying, “See, that’s what I was just telling her too, pal. But, she intentionally underestimates herself.”

My eyes frowned too and my smile faded as I jerked my right eyebrow up, asking her about what had happened.

“Even I don’t know why the hell she does that,” Daksh was still speaking, his head fixed frontward, for some reason.

She then moved her right finger up and patted beneath her right eye, on top of her right cheek, asking me what was up with those dark spots, obviously.

Daksh then stopped speaking and continued to look frontward, man.

I just smiled back. I just took my right index up and rolled my right hand by my wrist, telling her that I’d tell her later on.

She just nodded and turned her head frontward. She then replied, “You know, Daksh, I believe that this evil eye stuff is read. That’s why I don’t overestimate myself.”

“Uh, technically, it’s a good one, but it’s not right to underestimate yourself too, okay?”

She turned to him and replied, “Well, tell me one reason it’s not.”

“See,” He turned his head frontward, moved his right hand in front of his ribs, and corrected his spectacles as he started to explain it to Sana. “When you think of a lie too much, it becomes a truth in your mind. That’s what my mom says. If you think that you’re bad, even though you think that it’s a lie, you’d soon start to think that it’s true, okay?”

She turned her head frontward. “Stop giving me these cringe reasons, Daksh. Like, when did you turn so cringe?”

I was just smiling as I heard both of them talk beside me, for some reason. I turned my head leftward toward both of them, and just smiled. It was a fake smile that I was maintaining, obviously. I then turned my head frontward, just hearing them laugh and chat.

“Like, you don’t really need to unlock a fire-type character to beat her! You see, you can beat even with a water-type if you have the skills,” Sana told him.

“See, I’m still not on that level of skills, okay?” Daksh replied. “I need an appropriate typed character to beat her.”

“If you don’t really have the skills, you should… give it a try. You develop those skills, you see.”

“Technically yeah, but I don’t wanna waste so much of my energy on just a game, pal, okay? I guess that’s just me, but why should I work so hard on just a game?”

“Well…”

“It’s supposed to be just fun, okay?”

“But you can have fun and be good at it, like, just like in badminton and stuff, you see.”

“Uh, but still, I shouldn’t force myself to be good at it, okay?”

“No. You should have a hobby, and you should be at least decent at it. Otherwise, you won’t be able to have fun when you play with anyone with decent skills,” She turned her head to him.

He turned to her too and looked into his eyes, thinking about it. “I guess… no one can beat you in these things.”

Sana smiled as she turned her head frontward. She then turned to me. “Well, K, you should talk a little too.”

“Man, you know I don’t know a thing about Jenshin, so I don’t really have anything to say,” I replied, still maintaining a little curve on my lips.

She nodded. “Then, let’s discuss the question paper again.”

“Nah, I don’t wanna do that too.”

She frowned. “Why?”

I turned to her and replied, “Man, I don’t want to look at math again. I’ve done too much math over the past couple of days.”

She smiled. “Like, I didn’t really expect this from you, you see.”

“Even I didn’t, man, but I’m bored of repeating the same syllabus again and again, for some reason. I can’t open my book again without yawning or feeling sleepy.”

“I sometimes feel that too, pal,” Daksh turned to me. “I guess the school’s overdone it. We didn’t need all these exams.”

“I don’t really know what will happen in boards now, man,” I said. “I’d decided I’d not be opening my books after these exams right until the boards. Maybe that’d help.”

“Maybe that would, but I don’t suggest that. Once the results of these exams are in your hands, you should try to overcome your weaknesses before the boards, okay?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, everyone thinks differently,” Sana said.

“Yeah, man,” I replied as I turned my head frontward.

“I agree.”

“Anyway, let’s talk about something else—something interesting,” Sana announced.

“Yeah, man. You begin with something,” I said, still looking frontward.

“Pal, what do you have as your sixth subject?”

“Me?” I asked.

“Yeah,” He turned to me.

“I got Computer Application, man.”

He frowned. “I have French.”

“Damn, man. Why did you even decide on French?” I asked, without turning toward him.

“Uh, I just thought that it’s easy and it’d help in the future.”

“I don’t really think that you’d be going to France for college, obviously, because there are no good ones. American and English ones are the ones people generally try for, man. Why’d it help you in the future?”

He smiled. “See, what if I had to go there for a job or something?”

“You’d forget all the French you’d learned by the time you even pass your college, man.” I was not smiling anymore, for some reason.

“… Right…”

“It’d have been better if you’d taken AI or CA or something. Both subjects must have helped you next year.” I then turned leftward. “What stream have you decided on next year?”

“Uh, non-medical.”

“Knew it,” I turned my head frontward. “CA and AI must have been the best choices for you.”

Daksh nodded, his head tilted frontward. There was a little smile on his face, but I guess he was just faking it, for some reason. “You won, pal. But I was a kid, okay?”

I smiled. “Yeah, obviously. I don’t really blame you.”

“Anyway, what have you decided for next year?” Sana asked me as she turned to me.

“Nothing right now.”

“I guess you should, pal,” Daksh said.

“Obviously, I will.”

“Even I’ve not decided, you see,” Sana turned her head to him again.

“See, it’s the right time to think about your future, pal. I guess you should think of something soon.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” She turned her head frontward.

“One month is not enough, I guess. You need at least a year to think of some good things for your future and make the correct decision. And, you should have taken this decision by now. It’s too late, and I fear that you’d both take a bad decision and then regret it.”

“Don’t worry about us, man,” My eyes narrowed a little.

Daksh turned to me. “See, I just want the good of you, okay? I can help you with this thing. If you want to ask me anything, I can help. I know a lot, pal. I’ve researched a lot.”

“Alright, I’ll see.”

Sana then turned to him and said, “And, I don’t really think we’d need your research. We can do stuff like that too, you see.”

“But, I’ve done it, so you can just ask me out. It’d be a lot better than going to random websites on the internet, okay?”

“Man, in the name of research, I know that you’d have used any random websites too, maybe.”

Daksh turned to me again. “No, I only use the best.”

“Everyone says they’re the best, don’t you think?”

“Pal, I use the legit ones,” He replied.

“Everyone has different opinions on what's legit information and what’s not. Some say that there’s no scope in non-medical, some say there’s a lot. All of this stuff is two-sided, based on who you ask.”

“So, you wanna say that all the research I did was useless?”

“I can’t really comment since I don’t know what you’ve found out. But I see that you’ve made a decision, and that’s that, obviously. I won’t say anything, but I’d just say that I can’t trust your words like I can’t trust any random website.”

Sana turned to me. “Stop fighting, you two!”

Daksh frowned as he glared toward me. “See, if you don’t want to, then you just don’t call.”

“As I said, I’ll see.”

“Stop it!” Sana shouted again as she turned to him. She then turned to me again, who still had my head tilted frontward. “And you stop it too.”

“I’m sorry to say this, Sana, but I don’t think that K’s views and my views match on anything,” Daksh said.

“It’s Kritvik for you, man.”

“And it’s Daksh for you.”

“You see, I don’t really think all of these arguments are gonna help. You both should be friends,” Sana said as she turned frontward.

Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp.

We all walked a few steps silently after that, obviously. No one talked, for some reason.

I turned my head rightward, looking at a cleanly painted brown wall in front of a grand bungalow—all painted in the shades of brown and white, for some reason.

Daksh turned leftward toward a lane intersecting with the street. He turned leftward inside. “Bye.”

“Bye,” Sana said.

“Bye, man,” I replied too.

Daksh didn’t look back as he turned inside the lane and continued to walk inside to the other bungalows.

Sana then turned to me. “Well, we’re alone now, you see.”

“Yeah, man.”

“Now tell me—what’s up?” She frowned as she turned to me. “Like, why do you seem so irritated about?”

“Huh? I’m not irritated by anyth—”

“You don’t lie to me, K.”

I glared at her strict eyes for a second, and nodded as I turned my head downward.

“Look at me.”

I turned my head leftward at her.

“Now, look into my eyes and tell me what’s up. What are you so angry about?”

I continued to glare into her frowning eyes with my guilty ones. “I…” I then thought, “How should I tell you what I feel about you? And how should I tell you how I feel when you’re happy with him, laughing and stuff? How… should I tell you all of this stuff, man—especially when even I don’t really know why I feel the way I do?” I shut my lips again and turned frontward.

“K, tell me!” She angrily insisted. She held my cheeks and turned my face to her. “Tell me!”

“M-Man, I…” I opened my lips, muttered, and then… I closed my lips again. I then gulped in. “I don’t know.”

“You surely do.”

“I…” I opened my mouth, and then closed it again and nodded. I gulped in again.

“Aaryan had left me. All my friends had left me. All I thought about all day was about exams and stuff. I didn’t really have anyone else to talk about all this stuff in my heart. I’ve not spoken to a friend for days. I don’t know what was happening to me. I wanted to say all of it to her and wanted to tell her to help me. But… words were just not coming out. My throat was just not working—it refused to take in breaths. There were tears in my eyes. What… was I supposed to do, man?”

“Speak up, K,” She softly said. “Come on.”

I gulped in as I turned my head frontward. “I… I’m just f-feeling a little l-lonely these days, man…” I gulped in.

“I finally said it, but I knew that if she asked another question, I won’t be able to speak anything else.”

“I-I-I’m sorry.”

“D-Don’t.”

“I should have remembered—”

“It’s not your fault!” I shouted. I gulped in again.

“For some reason, the lump in my throat was gone, the tears had vanished, and I was able to speak up again. Once you get stuff out of your head, you can move mountains, huh?”

I turned to her and looked into her eyes. “Obviously, man. I… It’s not your fault. It’s just that… Aaryan left me, and because of exams, we were not able to meet so often, so…” I turned my head frontward. “It’s just my destiny, man. It’s not your fault.”

“It is. I should have thought about it, you see,” She moved her hands down.

“Man, you’re the only one I talk to. I will never blame you for anything negative. After all, I’m happy that I still have someone like you in my life.”

She nodded as she turned her head down. “Still, I’m sorry.”

“No.”

“I… You should try to befriend Daksh. He’s a good guy, you see,” She turned to me. “Like, you both have a lot in common.”

“We both don’t think the same way, man. You’ve just seen it. We argued about such little stuff. We can’t be friends.”

“Well, if you try…”

“Call him in our gang if you want, but I don’t think we’d get really close. We can be good friends, after all.”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

I turned my head downward. “I… I have a thing in my mind, man.” I took my right hand outside my pocket and looked toward my open palm.

“What?” She turned to me worriedly.

“I… don’t really want to live…”

“… WHAT?!”

“No, I don’t want to die, man. Obviously. But… I don’t want to live a life like this either. When I shifted to this city, I left too many friends. Now again, I’ve lost Aaryan. I…” I gulped in. “My life, for some reason, is filled with losing friends, man. I don’t want to live a life like that anymore. Now all I do is stress about what will happen in boards, what I should do in the future, and all that stuff.”

“K…” She moved her right arm around my shoulders. “You can talk your heart out with me anytime. Like, I do that too, you see.” She turned her head down. “I don’t really know about your past, but I’ve seen that you never talk openly about it. I’d love to hear about that. Not today if you’re not comfortable, but anytime you’re comfortable, you see.”

I too moved my left arm up and fixed it on top of her shoulders.

“And that… was the last time I felt loved.”