Fucks

Kritvik Bhatt

“I was at a point in my life where I didn’t really know if she loved me or not. For some reason, my mind was damned messed up. There were times when I felt that… that yeah, she loves me and I love her. It’s both fucking ways. But, there… there were also some damned times when I felt like… like it was never the two of us. It was just me and my imagination, man. Just me and my imagination. After all, she had way more fun when she was with Daksh, man. She… She obviously liked him more than me. Man, I didn’t really know what to believe and what not. What… the fuck… was happening to me? Is love… supposed to be this complex?”

I was standing still on the corridor of my school, for some reason, with my bag behind my back.

Outside the windows on my left, gray clouds were building up all over the sky, for some reason. It seemed like it could rain any moment, no doubt.

A dozen steps away from me, in front of the doorframe, stood Daksh, laughing heartily. And, in front of that guy, obviously, was Sana, with her left shoulder on the doorframe and her right hand on her lips as she laughed out loud, for some reason.

My head was turned a little down, my eyes covered by the shadows of my hair. Yeah, it seemed like it could rain any moment, no doubt.

***

“It was the… first day of the last week of school. So, the school was filled with those happy vibes, obviously.”

In the corridors, some students were working on hanging a poster on the wall. Some were on the ground just in front of it, surrounded by stationery.

The classrooms’ doorframes were being decorated with stuff too, for some reason. Those pink ribbons and clothes covered the brown old wooden doorframe. However, inside the classrooms, normal classes were taking place.

A teacher stood in front of one such class, smiling and laughing with other kids as they interacted. Obviously, since it was the last few days of school, the teachers didn’t really have a lot to teach.

“And… in between those happy vibes… I got to know that…”

“You know, Sana and Daksh are dating?”

“What? Daksh from that other section?”

“Yeah, Daksh Kalra. He’s dating Sana.”

“Is that for real?”

“Well, at least the rumors say so.”

Two girls were gossiping as they sat in front of each other with their lunchboxes in between the two of them, and I… I was sitting beside them, in the center of the class. I turned my head rightward, looking at the two of them with my depressed narrowed eyes, with dark spots beneath them, as I chewed. I then turned my head to my food again.

“Have I… suddenly turned invisible for them?”

I turned my head to the doorframe again. Outside the classroom, on the corridor, stood Sana and Kavya… with Daksh between the two of them. All three were laughing as they chatted and ate food, for some reason. I then turned my head to my lunchbox again.

“That was bound to happen anyway, man. She… She liked to spend time with him. And they have so much more in common. Both liked to play Jenshin together, and… and both just… vibed well, maybe.”

“I kinda saw that coming, didn’t I?”

I took another bite in and started to chew. I chewed and chewed and chewed for a few seconds before I gulped the food in and turned to my lunchbox again. I took another bite in my hand and was just about to take it in before I stopped my hand in front of my lips.

“Why… couldn’t it be me, huh?”

“My… throat hurt.”

I opened my mouth and was about to move the bite in, but… I couldn’t. I closed my trembling lips again and moved my trembling hands back.

“I gotta control myself, man. I gotta fucking control myself.”

I took a deep breath in, then exhaled out, then inhaled in, then exhaled out. I then opened my mouth and took another one in, and then exhaled out. “Phew…”

I then opened my mouth, and quickly took the bite in. I started to chew, glaring into the infinity with those narrowed emotionless eyes.

“Why is it that we get so attached to people sometimes? I… was not even in a relationship with her, man. I was not even dating her. She was just a friend of mine, after all. She… was just a damned friend of mine. Then why did… Then why did I get so attached to her? What the fuck did she do to me that I felt so inclined to talk to her, to do everything that I could for her, just so that I could spend some time with her? I-I’m going nuts, man. I’m fucking going nuts.”

***

“Huh? Really?”

“Yeah, bitch.”

Kavya was sitting in front of me—her back tilted toward me, obviously. She looked at me with a deadpan expression. “She’s dating Daksh now.”

“D-Damn, man,” I replied to her, my eyes widened a little. I blinked. I then turned to my notebook again.

“And so, students, you need to use the quadratic formula for finding the value of ‘x’ in this situation, okay?” The old guy in front of the class announced as he solved a problem on the blackboard with his chalk.

Kavya smirked. “You’re not jealous, right?”

THUMP!

“Huh?” I smiled awkwardly as I turned to her again. “Man, obviously not. After all, I’m really happy for her.”

“Then why do you seem so depressed about some shit?” She continued to glare into my eyes as she smirked. “Is it that you secretly…?”

“Huh? No!” I turned my head downward in guilt. “It’s… just that she didn’t even tell me about it, man. She should have told me at least this much.”

“Kavya! Turn your head to the blackboard!”

Kavya reflexively turned her head frontward and then turned to her notebook. “Yes, sir.”

I looked at sir, and then turned to my own notebook.

Math sir too turned to the blackboard again and started to hit his chalk on the blackboard. “You all need to learn that there is going to be at least one or two higher order thinking skills-based question, and if you’re not prepared for such questions, it’s gonna take a lot of your time to get to the answer, which you won’t be able to even confirm if it’s correct or not. So you better practice them.”

“Hmm,” She nodded.

I turned my head to the front, looking at her back as she vigorously scribbled in her notebook. I then turned my head leftward, looking at the dark gray clouds over the sky. My eyes were a little widened, for some reason.

“Psst.”

I turned my head to Kavya again.

She had her head half-tilted toward me, her hand covering her lips from the view of sir. She whispered, “You know what, Daksh has actually told Sana and me to stay away from you. Maybe that’s why Sana is not sitting near you today.”

Thump!

“Huh?” I frowned. “Why would he do something like that?”

She turned her head frontward and shrugged. “Dunno.”

“And… And she agreed?”

“Apparently.”

My eyes widened with shock, man. I was thrown aback—literally, my back moved back on the backrest. “What… the… fuck…?” I murmured.

“Everything that day… Every single fucking thing that day was just testing me against my limits, no doubt.”

I gulped in, turned to my notebook, and thought, “What’s… that even supposed to mean? Why would she…?”

Kavya started to speak again, “That bitch should have at least told you that she was in a relationship with Daksh. I’m with you on this. And, I don’t do shit that anyone asks me to, so here I am, sitting in front of you. I don’t know what is going on with Sana, but I’d go talk to her about this after school. I guess you should come too.”

I turned my eyes to her and nodded. “Y-Yeah, I will.”

***

The dark clouds were still there on top of everyone’s head. Everyone seemed gloomy—the school building, the silent street in front of it, everything.

Kavya and I turned right as we walked off from the little staircase onto the pathway toward the gate a couple dozen steps away from us. On our right was that football field in front of the school building, and on the left was the miserably dark wall, fenced on the top.

“Sana!” Kavya shouted.

I moved my hands inside my pants, my depressed eyes looking to the right, for some reason.

“Yeah, Kavya?”

“Wait for us!”

I heard their conversations.

Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp.

I turned my head frontward as I stopped, looking at Sana looking at Kavya on my left.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Sana inquired.

Behind her, obviously, stood Daksh, looking at Kavya.

Kavya told her, “We wanna talk to you in private, Sana.” She then turned her eyes to Daksh.

“… So, I guess I should leave,” He understood her, turned to the front, and started to walk away. “I’ll be waiting for you at the gate, Sana, okay?”

“Yeah, Daksh,” She looked at his back walking away, and then turned to Kavya again.

I continued to glare at her with my depressed and miserable eyes.

“The way she avoided my eye contact… I knew it. She… didn’t even want to look toward me.”

“What’s up with you, bitch?” Kavya crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Sana frowned. “Nothing, Kavya. Why do you—?”

“You… How could you do something like this?”

“What, Kavya? Will you even explain it to me?”

“You didn’t tell Kritvik that you’re in a relationship with him?”

Sana then turned to me. “I…”

For a second, our eyes met. But I suddenly turned my eye to the gate, away from her.

“It’s… not really like that, K. Y-You see, it’s… just that…”

“And you’re not even talking to him because your boy doesn’t like it,” Kavya said.

“Damn, man. I never really thought you’d do something like that.”

“N-No, K. It’s a misunderstanding. I… just didn’t get the time to tell you, you see, because Daksh told me to sit by the window so that we could see each other when he’s out for washroom or stuff like that. He sits by the corner too, you see, so I could see him. So that’s why I didn’t sit at the center around both of you.” She then turned to Kavya. “Really, Kavya. B-Believe me.”

“You could have just told that to us,” I said, still glaring aimlessly.

“I… I’m sorry…” Sana tilted her head downward. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, K.”

“That’s great.”

“And, I… I didn’t really know how you’d take it when I’d tell you about me and Daksh, you see. I-I… was kind of afraid to tell you about it.”

“And why’s that?” Kavya asked.

Sana turned her guilty eyes to her. She then turned her body back, her head half-tilted to Kavya. “I don’t really wanna talk about some stuff with you around, Kavya. I’ll talk to K later myself.” She then turned frontward and started to walk away.

“Wha—?!”

“Kavya, you’ll miss your bus. I guess you should leave.”

She frowned as she turned to me. “But, Kritvik—”

“Leave it, man.” I then turned to her. “You should go back home.” I then turned to the front and started to walk behind Sana.

Sana turned back, looking at me walking toward her, stopped for a while as I caught up with her, and started to walk beside her.

Kavya continued to frown at us. She then turned back and started to walk to the other side.

“Now she’s gone.”

“Yeah,” Sana replied, her head tilted downward.

“Now tell me.”

“I… I’m sorry. I should have told you about it sooner, yeah. But, like, I didn’t really know how you’d react, or what you’d do.”

“Why did you think that way?”

“W-Well, you see, I… I see you like a brother, as a best friend. I see you as someone who… protects me, who’s going to be there for me when I need to. And… And, I thought that you wouldn’t like it—me with a boy and stuff like that, you see. So… I was just kinda running away from it. I’m sorry.”

I kept quiet as we continued to walk beside each other. I thought, “Maybe… Maybe she loves me too, and that’s… and that’s why she was kinda reluctant to tell me about it, man.” I then closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. “Fuck no. That’s not fucking true. If she… loved me… she wouldn’t… she wouldn’t have…” I then exhaled it out. I told her, “Man, I’m kinda hurt by the fact that you didn’t, for some reason.”

“I’m sorry, emo!” She turned to me.

“M-Man, like, I don’t know. It was just so… sudden, for some reason.” I smiled. “But I understand, man.” I then turned to her. “Don’t apologize too much, man. It’s okay. I understand.”

“I fucking didn’t.”