Cloudy With A (High) Chance of Introspection

The room beyond the door was just barely big enough to be considered medium.

The contents inside -a small bed, a chair, and a table- were generously overwhelmed by one wall that was made entirely out of swirly clouds that gave off gentle puffs of humidity when I went to stand close to it for investigation.

It was a wonder the heavy clouds didn’t come tumbling down under their own weight; I’d never seen a cloud wall so enormously big before. The cloud wall in Cyan’s office was only a quarter of the size and… Juns was even smaller so it could be easily hidden behind a wall of leafy vines. (They had told me they didn’t think it fit in with their woodland aesthetic when asked; I’d told them the pastel colors would compliment their eyes and they’d blushed for me… it was a shame that it would be another memory I’d lose.)

The door closed behind me, and I was half expecting to hear the click of a lock as I waited and listened for the sound that never came.

There wasn’t much to be explored within the room, and the gentle lightening and muted colors immediately prompted introspection; well, everything pardoning the vibrant clouds with their nearly beckoning movements as they dipped and curled around themselves, waiting and watching for what I might do.

I approached the cloud wall slowly, reaching into it carefully and noting with absent interest how the shimmering vapor twirled and shifted around my fingers. I had very low expectations, but I tried my hardest to think of Earth intently before attempting to step through as normal Refraction Traveling worked.

An invisible barrier stopped me from entering, the clouds only tickling my senses and casting a thin layer of damp onto my palms before I retreated back the step I had taken and pursed my lips.

I didn’t think that would work, but Oeuvre had been a bit more straightforward than I’d always expected so I figured it was worth a try.

Or maybe Jun was the one who made sure things were straightforward for me; they always made sure I had it easy…

I did as I suspected I was supposed to and took a seat in the chair, facing the cloud wall directly but making sure to set the chair far enough back so I could simultaneously see the room in its entirety.

Paranoia prompted me to keep the area in reach for easy surveillance since this room was new regardless of my comfort and, seeing as I didn’t have any familiar Guide or Instructor with me, I was wary.

After about thirty minutes of tortuous sitting -my watch still worked and I was heavily prompted towards sleep since my mental and physical exhaustion were both hitting their limits- I deemed the room safe enough to close my eyes and really begin thinking.

I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to do, but I guessed I was supposed to be conjuring thoughts of home and Earth and things like that which would presumably elicit the cloud wall to Refract me back to where I desired to go; presumably anyway.

Intent is everything.

I reminded myself, settling more comfortably into the chair and placing my hands on my lap so I wouldn’t get distracted by tapping my fingers against the wood on the underside of the chair or the table to my right.

A weary sigh rattled from my chest as I closed my eyes, joyless and aching with a dull -but somehow still knife sharp- hurt as I tried my best to think; about Earth and all the things I longed for there. The things I had left behind.

What did I miss? Well…

About Earth, what did I miss about Earth.

Nothing came to the forefront of my mind immediately, neither a barrage of places or a list of things that easily filled me with longing or replaced the preexisting hurt already aching at the thought of leaving Jun.

Was there… anything I missed that was uniquely from Earth?

Hana.

Yes, I missed her but I was happy to know she was with Ren; so I was more inclined to let her go with the knowledge that I could check in on her every so often.

Okay, what else?

I miss… music. I miss live concerts and playlists curated specifically for me.

There, that was something.

Oeuvre had music -of course it did- but I had to be the one to Manifest it or request for songs to be pulled from the ‘Earth’ archive; I couldn't just press a button and be served a new selection of artists and songs completely outside my comfort zone.

It was very specific but it was something I missed; it wasn’t much, but I figured that line of thinking was a good start if I wanted to begin prompting the ominously large wall in front of me.

Keep going.

…greasy food from chain restaurants with questionable quality, the little potted cactus on my desk, the smell of the interior of a new car, gasoline and hot tar in the summer heat.

The temperature in the room shifted slightly, a little bit of humidity reaching out to curl at the ends of my hair as I continued to think and think; I kept my eyes closed so I didn’t break my concentration but I felt the change in the way a shiver trickled down my spine.

Come on, what else? I miss… watching reality television late into the night and reading the captions for a show that was created in a language I didn’t understand.

My mind strayed so easily, the ache in my chest taking over as I dug my fingers into the soft part of my leg; everything hurting as my thoughts spiraled.

Jun would sing words I didn’t understand… but I knew what they meant when the look in their eyes grew wistfully distant or when their smile would soften at the edges; fingertips tapping an unfamiliar rhythm into mine as they smoothed over consonants and punctuated vowels so they could string them into something uniquely beautiful that captivated me wholly in every sense of the word.

Ensnaring my mind with melodies I would hum quietly under my breath as I worked, the realization of my actions only being known when I would catch that private, soft smile of theirs when the shuffling sound of their papers would quiet and they would stare. Disbelieving and awed like they couldn’t believe I cared enough to–

-I’m going to forget their music; I’m going to forget them.

Despite the barrier of my eyes being closed, it wasn’t enough to contain the tears that welled up and spilled over as I felt my thoughts lurch towards what I desperately wanted to think and grieve over.

What am I doing?

This wouldn’t get me back to Earth, Jun wouldn’t be able to move on until I was gone so I had to-

Intent is everything.

My breath was hot from the war of my conflicting emotions as I let out a shuddering exhale, a turbulent mess of unease and despair making it impossible to concentrate on what I wanted–what I should have been concentrating on.

I need to sort my feelings out.

To myself and Jun, I just needed to be honest or I’d be stuck in this room until I finally became smart enough to do so. (Or simply Passed On from old age, whichever came first.)

No more denying myself because of my guilt; what did I want?

The word ‘want’ only brought me back to one thing– one person and I wasn’t surprised at my conclusion. Because of where I was, I took the time to simply accept that and delved deeper into that initial answer.

Why?

Because… they make me feel like they’re inviting me to exist as they do; to be dedicated and happy and earnest from the people around them and from the work they love to do.

I hadn’t known how to live when I was alive with a breathing body and surrounded by a world that was as equally alive as I was.

There were moments where I’d experienced what I’d call ‘living life’ between the friendship I’d forged with Hana or the small successes I’d managed to achieve but… I’d only seen what it meant to be surrounded by people who were more invested in what they were doing versus worrying about the little time they had left.

They had already found a path towards fulfillment and they weren’t worried about anyone’s pace but their own; I guess that was a gift only Oeuvre could give them. A gift Oeuvre had offered to me.

And I still hadn’t understood how to use it properly… did I want to?

I just… want Jun to be the one to show me; I just want them.

They were a good teacher.

The air had grown tacky by the time I’d roused myself from distraction, palms damp where they still rested atop my knees.

My eyes opened and I found myself in fog, the cloud wall in front of me slowly puffing out lazy waves of vapor that drifted my direction before floating to the floor and gathering against itself around my feet.

Too exhausted to be optimistic for something I was growing less and less sure about, I decided to try and approach the cloud wall again; reaching out to pass my fingers through the mist as I had before.

The moment I reached my arm through it was as if the barrier holding the wall back suddenly burst, the weightless mass of clouds tumbling forward and rushing over me before I had time to be surprised or the chance to prepare.

It engulfed me completely, nothing but billowing pastels swirling in my vision and tickling the insides of my mouth, nose, and ears as I tried to swat away the fog from my face; worried that it might begin to inhibit my breathing. Might choke me.

But the fog only seemed to thicken, morphing into something that felt like an actual presence against my skin as I held my hands out and blindly flailed around for the table that should have been right beside me; reaching out for anything stable to ground myself as I felt the clouds press in even closer around me.

Panic mounting, I opened my mouth to call for help but found myself unable to breath in the suffocatingly thick air, humid mist filling my throat the moment I tried to yell as my heart pounded frantically and my panic continued to mount–

…and then I was back in the room as it was when I first entered, a solid cloud wall in front of me and a table to my right, the chair beneath me creaking slightly when I shifted suddenly to look around the room uneasily.

The overwhelming panic ringing in my ears gradually died down to nothing as a different sort of excited hum tingled restlessly beneath my skin.

I was back.