The Walk of Reflection

Our conversation ended shortly after that, we didn’t say anything like ‘thank you for everything’ or ‘maybe we’ll see each other again’.

The only thing I told them was that I wished; and they had agreed with me with their voice pitched barely above a whisper before ending our Hailing and I was alone with my own misery again. Not even Kitsu was there to act as a shepherding figure to guide me when I drifted for an indeterminable amount of time in my silence.

I had to get to a different part in Oeuvre’s main building, that’s what I was supposed to do.

The letter was stuffed into my pocket as I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to push the tumultuous thoughts away; it was done, I needed to focus and move on now.

–

“You are familiar with– I believe you called it ‘Refraction Traveling’ if I remember correctly; anyway, you are familiar with the concept, yes?”

I nodded, still fidgeting in my Earth clothes since I’d been given the shirt and pants I’d arrived in so many months ago.

The material of denim and cotton polyester blend felt rough against my skin as opposed to the– whatever Oeuvre’s Herald uniforms were made out of. I had Manifested myself a simple shirt and shorts to sleep in but even they had felt softer than these ‘normal’ clothes; had they always been like that?

“Jin.”

“Ah-yes, sorry, I am familiar; light travels through and bends and since Oeuvre has superior lighting it can take us to different places. Well, that’s mostly the gist, anyway…”

Kitsu must have deemed my lackluster response as acceptable since he nodded, proceeding to tap a few things off on his touchpad before setting it aside and leveling me with a serious expression.

“You were educated on these things when you started your Replacement process, but it is in your best interests for me to review them with you now, are you ready?”

I nodded, running my knuckles along the prickly stitching on the hem of my shirt where Kitsu couldn’t see since it was hidden under the desk we were sitting at. (I assumed it was Kitsu’s office but I hadn’t ever seen one located where we were, so maybe it was a room meant specifically for these types of situations.)

“If your Replacement is successful, you will lose all memories and recollections associated with Oeuvre and the Heralds, creatures, and various planets you visited during your time spent here; there is no exception. Additionally, if you were to suffer another untimely death, you will immediately Pass On since your soul will be too weak to non-tangibly manifest for a second time.”

I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the memories and experiences I’d made here, I’d known but hearing it only made the ache in my chest and stomach flare back into sharp; a painful sting forming in my throat as I nodded numbly and whispered my understanding.

A fleeting thought posed itself in the back of my mind, a ‘what if’ of another possibility as I tried to focus my ringing ears onto Kitsu’s voice.

What if I stayed? Maybe Jun and I… well, I suppose we couldn’t go back to how we were but maybe with some time… maybe?

No, that would never work.

Selfish.

“-I understand, I remember all the–things.”

Kitsu’s ears flicked above him, the velveteen fur tipped with a little tuft of white being the only thing to express his potential irritation with my interruption before he nodded and moved along.

In my time traveling between Jun’s office and Oeuvre’s Visitation area, I’d Manifested Kitsu profile so I wasn’t completely ignorant the next time we spoke; my misery might have made me completely numb and achy all over, but I still had some decency in me. (Somewhere.)

He was a fox, a Kitsune to be exact and I noted with dry amusement -honestly, nothing was going to be amusing to me for… a while- that their nickname most likely came from their species. After looking at their official name, I understood why; I hadn’t even tried to attempt saying it and only followed each consonant with an increasing understanding of why they chose to go by an abbreviated moniker.

“Very well; follow me please.”

Kitsu led us down a hallway only just saved from being ominous by the generously warm tones of swirling Argon embedded into the walls and delicate looking light fixtures floating above us; it was too beautiful to be scary and just personal enough to keep from being eerie.

I’d found that a lot of things on Oeuvre were like that, stunningly beautiful in a way that I would’ve thought impossible but still, somehow, perfectly down to Earth. (There was someone who I also thought that was an apt description for but… I guess I would be forgetting all of that soon.)

We stopped in front of a door, and before I was about to open it for us so Kitsu could go in before me -old habits died hard- he stopped me and motioned for me to take a step back, which I did.

“Now, your brief explanation regarding Cloud travel was adequate for the moment but before you proceed I feel as though some additional information is needed; and this also goes in tandem with the other elements of Replacement.”

Other elements? (I knew he found my answer unsatisfactory earlier, why did I always get the Auspice with a streak of haughty posh in them?)

“The memories you made here are attached to your soul. When you Refract back into your physical body and get Replaced into the appropriate time, your memories will not come with you because they didn’t have a physical form to stick to when they were formed. And, technically, since you’re going to a previous time, your memories haven’t even been made yet.”

He pantomimed a timeline where my soul would return to one place in the past and then used his other hand to indicate where my memories had been made; clearly not in the same time period with zero overlap.

“The only way to try for Replacement is conditioning your soul with Replacement in mind; since Oeuvre is a non-tangible place mainly focused on intent, the Herald themself needs to truly want to be Replaced for the process to work.. Their willpower is tested by Rotations and the other tasks you were given so your resolve can strengthen enough to fortify your soul for that specific purpose; is that comprehensible?”

I nodded, not exactly needing the explanation since I’d just be forgetting in a few moments but I supposed that it was interesting to know. I think I would have been more interested if I hadn’t felt so absolutely dazed and desensitized to my surroundings.

Previously, I’d wondered why I’d had to work through the Rotations and various other tasks before being allowed to try for Replacement. Oeuvre hadn’t seemed like it was a place that was based on the individual Herald’s effectiveness but I had been too busy to ask and hadn’t deemed the answer a priority.

But the concept of shaping your soul with Replacement in mind, since -like Kitsu and Cyan and Jun had told me countless times before- Oeuvre existed in a place between worlds as a non-tangible entity; intent was everything.

Intent was everything.

That was something that stuck out to me as Kitsu said a few more things before bowing his head respectfully and stepping aside from where he had been blocking the door.

“You will complete the final step by yourself, you will not be interrupted or contacted under any circumstances. It is up to you how you leave the area beyond this door.”

“What’s behind the door? And– how long will it take?”

It didn’t really matter since I was seconds away from finding out, but I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out my questions and asking regardless.

The fox -the kitsune- didn’t seem as vexed by my question as I half expected him to be, simply pursing his lips in thought for a moment before tilting his head slightly towards the door as he spoke; ears flicking idly above him as a human’s hands would articulate or embellish their words. (I had to remember, personal attitude aside, Kitsu was an Auspice and if he didn’t like what he did, he would’ve already Passed On.)

“...all I am allowed to say is that -should you succeed- you will return to Earth via Cloud Travel, there will be no interference so you will be the sole influence on the Refraction and your own will shall be measured as the determining factor of your success or not.”

It looked as though he wanted to say something else but was weighing the consequences of any additional information being shared. I stayed silent, holding Kitsu’s gaze but making sure to keep my expression passive so he didn’t feel pressured to share.

“Only…”

He was weighing his words carefully, and I could tell he was phrasing his sentences purposefully vague so the unspoken rules I was not privy to would not be broken.

Jun had told me there were things Auspices were allowed to know that other Heralds were not, since intention and perception could be so easily swayed or influenced; I assumed Kitsu’s hesitancy stemmed from this being one of those things and not fear of repercussion.

“You are the one who controls… yourself, remember that the outcome relies on what you want and not the elements around you; there are no expectations except for the ones you carry with you.”

The small bit of intrigue that had built in my chest was quickly replaced with confusion, my face most likely remaining deadpan as the Kitsune looked quite proud of himself for managing to impart some words of wisdom. (Or whatever that was, I'm sure it would’ve been much more helpful if I knew what he was trying to hint at.)

“...ah, yes, I will.”

My -frankly- mediocre reply was accepted with a smile that told me Kitsu hadn’t picked up on my rather apathetic attitude to his advice, another solid nod ending our conversation as he wished me luck and held his hand out.

I let us sit in silence for a moment -expectant on his end and perplexed on mine- before he explained that he would be taking my communication devices.

That made sense, but it was a surprisingly emotional task to pull the piece from my ear and unclasp the bracelet from my wrist where it had been sitting for the past two years; I felt exposed without it and I watched as the Kitsune Auspice tucked my-the devices into his robes with a barely contained sense of longing as he wished me good luck one last time.

And then he left me alone, a long hallway behind me and an unassuming door in front.

The only way forward was through.