I Really Love You

Kritvik Bhatt

“Sana, I-I wanna… I wanna tell you something, man.”

“What?”

“Yeah, no doubt. I had to say it to her one day, obviously. And… that was the day.”

***

The clouds still covered the skies—for some reason, it was just like that during those weeks. But that day, the clouds were really, really dark, man. The sky was in the shade of black. And beneath those clouds stood my wide school building. It, for some reason, was drenched. Maybe it had rained just a few minutes ago.

Inside our classroom, it was lunch-break. Everyone was scattered here and there as they laughed and smiled and talked and chewed. The corridors outside the classrooms too were filled with students just like that, obviously.

But, the corridor where we ate lunch that day was somewhat different than usual, man. On our front were the classrooms, no doubt, but behind us—on the other side of the corridor, that is—was just a black metal railing facing the garden and the skies at the center of the school building. And, in front of that railing stood the four of us—Sana, Kavya, Daksh, and I.

Sana and Daksh were busy chatting by themselves, obviously. They chewed and talked and laughed at regular intervals. But, for some reason, Kavya stood beside them, talking some dialogues in between here and there and laughing along with them. And Kavya’s back faced me, the last one of the four on the railing. My head was tilted down to my lunchbox as I chewed my food silently.

“Ahahahahaa,” Everyone laughed, for some reason.

“I didn’t know what the hell was that guy up to, pal, but it was definitely not… Ahahahahhaha,” Daksh narrated some sort of funny anecdote while laughing with his eyes closed.

“Like, where do you find such guys nowadays, Daksh?” Sana asked as she chuckled and glared at him. She then took a bite in and began to chew.

Kavya too was chuckling a little with food in her mouth.

I gulped in. I thought, “I don’t wanna get fucking involved with Daksh, man. But… Man, it is what it is, huh?” I then turned my head rightward, looking at the three of them just laughing and chatting.

“See, he wasn’t technically wrong, but I guess his methods…”

“Pfft,” Kavya and Sana threw out another chuckle at him.

I then turned my head frontward. “The fuck is wrong with Sana, man? After Daksh had come into her life, she… she has completely forgotten me, for some reason.”

“I still don’t know why, man. But… for her, I just… ceased to exist, maybe.”

I kept the lid of my lunchbox on its top and shut it up. I moved my back away from the railing, turned leftward, and started to walk away from them, disappearing into the crowd of laughs and stuff.

As I walked through the people, I turned my head leftward to the sky, looking at the dark clouds.

“It… It has been such a dark day, man. It has been such a fucking dark day.”

I then turned my head frontward and turned left into the closed corridors. That corridor didn’t have railings, obviously, and rather, on the left was a layer of windows on the wall. On the right were the classrooms, obviously. That corridor was, for some reason, more densely packed than the open one, and people stood just about a couple dozen of inches away from each other.

“What the fuck happens to me when I see Sana talking to Daksh, man? Why… do I feel this strange pain in my chest?” I frowned. “She’s truly fucked me up, maybe.”

My shoes hurriedly walked through that floor filled with other shoes just standing, some walking slowly, and some just running through them.

I then turned right and walked inside my classroom, turned left, and walked in the first aisle by the wall. I turned left to one of the back seats of the first row of the classroom and bent down to my bag. I opened its first zip, stuffed my lunchbox in, and then closed it again. I then stood up again, and… and just continued standing there, for some reason. I turned my head right, stepped there once, but then decided not to, and then turned left, and then just… stopped completely, for some reason. “What… the fuck am I supposed to do now? With whom should I talk? Who should I spend my time with?”

I turned my head frontward and looked at the window on the wall at the other side of the desk, and glared at the corridor that stood outside. I then turned my head backward. I looked at the whole classroom, where a couple of guys stood at one corner, a couple of gangs of smiling girls sat on their seats, and a group with a couple of boys and girls laughed together. I then turned my narrowed depressed eyes frontward again. I glared down at my desk.

“Obviously, man. Sana and Kavya were the only two people I used to talk to, for some reason. And… And…”

I closed my eyes tightly.

“And that… that bastard…”

My fist clenched hard tightly.

“Why… the fuck… is all of this supposed to happen to me, huh?!”

I opened my eyes. “No. I should not think about all this stuff here. I need some peace of mind, man.”

That place was filled with the laughs and chatters of people. So, I turned left and started to walk toward the door. I stepped on that corridor and turned left—exactly from where I had come, obviously.

Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp.

I hurriedly walked through that corridor filled with those shouts with both my hands in my pockets and turned left to a staircase. There was a bunch of boys and girls that sat on the staircase, obviously laughing. I walked by them hurriedly.

I walked through that corridor, took the U-turn, and glared at the door on the top as I walked the rest of the staircase.

I slowed down as I reached the corridor, moved my right hand out of my pocket, and pushed it open. I glared at the dark clouds and the gloomy peace that stood beneath them as I stepped in. Just as I kept my foot in, all the background noises of laughing and shouting and chatting and stuff faded away, for some reason.

I turned right on the staircase and slowly walked to the railing of the roof. Clomp… Clomp… Clomp… Clomp… Clomp…

I held the railing with both my hands as I glared down at the football field of the school.

“This… is the right place for me right now, no doubt,” I thought as I glared at the silent and empty football field where some workers walked here and there maintaining it.

I placed my forearms on the railing, crossing each other, and placed my forehead on them, with my narrow eyes glaring to the ground and my feet.

“What the fuck’s been happening with my life, man?” I thought. “Why am I so miserable? This… This is not who I fucking used to be.”

I shook my head. “This is not what I want to be. I don’t wanna be so damn miserable. I don’t wanna feel that feeling of something burning inside my chest when I see Sana talking happily with Daksh. I don’t wanna feel like I’m just a third wheel when I’m talking to Sana. I don’t… I don’t want to love her anymore.”

I took in a deep breath and exhaled it out. “I don’t wanna be a part of this story, man. And, I don’t want it to end this way. I don’t want it to even fucking go this way. I… I don’t want this story to be like this. I want to go back in time, maybe, and rewrite it all over again, or… I just want it to end right now.”

I straightened my back and looked straight frontward at the bungalows on the other side of the football ground and the street.

“I will change, no matter what it fucking takes. I won’t live a life like that—filled with this fucking misery and confusion. I will… I will tell her how I feel about her… how I’ve always felt about her, and… I will sort everything in my heart out. This time, I’d be the one who fucking changes the course of this story, not the others.”

“I’d… tell her that I love her.”

***

The sky was still covered with the dark clouds, obviously.

The street in front of the school building was silent that day, for some reason, as students just walked out of the school and went different ways. Some walked in gangs, while most of them were alone.

We stood just some steps away from the back gate of the school, with our bags hanging on our right shoulders behind our backs. I glared directly into her eyes as she stood in front of me, folding her arms.

“What is it that you wanna tell me, K? You see, it might rain soon, and I gotta dress up for a birthday party of one of Daksh’s friends. So, well, I gotta hurry.”

I nodded as I looked at her with my narrowed dark eyes.

She frowned. “Well, is it something serious?”

“… Maybe…” I turned my head down.

“Well, Daksh will be coming in a few minutes. You can wait until I tell him to go home without me, and…”

“Nah, you don’t gotta do that, man.”

“But…”

“It won’t take long, man. Don’t worry.”

“A-Alright,” She nodded.

I took in a deep breath, and, for some reason, exhaled it out as I glared downward to the ground. I opened my lips, about to say something, but then… closed them again, for some reason.

“Are you alright?”

I nodded, without looking toward her.

“… You can take your time.”

I nodded again, without looking at her. I told myself, “That’s right, man. I’ve already lost her. It doesn’t fucking matter anymore—I have nothing else to lose right now. Even if she rejects me, it won’t get worse than this, anyway. After all, I’ve… already lost her.” I clenched my right hand as tightly as I could.

I then, finally, turned to her and glared straight into her eyes with my depressing looks, and… and finally started to speak up. “I… I love you, Sana.”

A drop of water fell down from the sky. And then another one fell just beside it.

“W-What? Really?”

“I… Right from the first day, when I looked at you for the first time, I… I developed a little crush on you. Then, we slowly started to talk, and became friends, and… and I developed feelings for you. After all, you were the one and only friend that I had at one point of time.” I smiled. “I… really love you so damn much, Sana.”

“I…”

My smile faded. “I know it’s hard to—”

“When did you become such a… such a cringe guy, K?” She said with a frown. “You know that I don’t see you that way.”

I nodded as I moved both my hands inside the pockets of my trousers. “No doubt I know.”

“And, you know that…” She turned her head leftward. “You see, K, I… I love Daksh. I feel that I’m always laughing when I’m around him. I feel that I kinda like how he looks and acts too, you see. I… I feel that I blush when I look at him smile, my heart races when I see him coming toward me. And, I can tell him anything I want to. He’s always here to listen to me. I feel that I can cling on him whenever I need help, and he… he won’t ever turn his back on me. I… I really love him, you see.”

I nodded and turned my head downward. “Can you not… cling on me too?” I asked myself in my head. “Can you not… trust me much? Can you not tell me anything you want to? Can I not be there when you need me? Don’t you always smile when you’re with me too? Don’t you… love me too, then?”

“Well, that’s just how things are when you love someone, you see.”

Some more drops fell down on the ground. Suddenly, for some reason, it started to drizzle.

I gulped. I continued to tell myself, “It’s so fucked up, man. There’s so much that I wanna say. I want to convince her to leave him and come to me. But… there’s no hope left now, I guess. After all, she loves him too.”

Sana then turned to me. “So, well, I’m sorry.”

I nodded as I turned skyward… with tears in my eyes. I then turned to her and told her in a really low voice, “Okay, man. I understand.” I then turned back and started to run away, my right arm on my eyes.

“K!” She raised her right arm toward me, worriedly glaring at my back running away.

The sky thundered.