I Truly Feel Like I'm in Love with Him

Kritvik Bhatt

“After all, it was supposed to be the last week of the fucking school, man. I… I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her, but… she was busy with someone else.”

“I… feel myself with him, K. I-I enjoy spending time with him. I think of him all day. I… I love him, K. I truly feel like I’m in love with him.”

“Why… Why did I not lose my ears before hearing those fucking words? Why did I… Why did I let it happen, man? Why did I… let her go so easily?”

Her peach lips turned to a narrow smile. “You see, you’d still be my best friend. Don’t act like I’ve broken up with you or something, emo!”

“Why am I such a fucking loser? Why the fuck am I such a fucking loser, huh?”

***

Just like how those winter days were, the sky was still covered with the usual gray clouds. Completely. No doubt, it really seemed like it could thunder anytime soon, man. But, it was peaceful right then.

I had my head tilted leftward, looking at the windows which revealed those clouds on top of the gloomy buildings that stood beside the school building. My right hand was on my chin, and my right elbow on the table.

In front of my desk sat Sana, who was frowning at me angrily. “What’s… wrong with you, emo?”

It was lunchtime, so everyone in the classroom was scattered here and there in groups as they ate their lunch. And, obviously, in between the class were the two of us.

“I feel hurt… that you didn’t even tell me about your relationship.”

“Who the fuck was I lying to? To her? Or… to myself?”

“And, like, I apologized. I made a mistake, and I accept it, emo.”

“I know, man. But still… I kinda still feel hurt.” I moved my right arm down and turned my depressed dark eyes to her. “It’s not because I’m angry at you or some stuff like that, man. But… I still kinda feel hurt.”

She sighed as she facepalmed. “Just tell me already what you really want me to do now.”

“… I don’t really know, man. I’m sorry I feel this way, but… it’s not in my hands, for some reason.”

She slammed both her hands on my table and stood up. “You see, I’m sick of this now.”

“I’m sorry.”

She worriedly looked toward me—her frown a little fading away, for some reason. She then sat down back on the chair slowly. “There… must be something we could do, right?”

I smiled. “Hope that I knew, man. But I guess I’m just gonna fight this feeling off for some days. After all, it’s just like this for a few days, and then I’d be back to normal, obviously.”

She turned her head down in guilt. “I’m sorry. I should have told you about this before you had to find this out like this, you see.”

“It’s not that, man. It’s not that. After all, it’s not about you—rather, it’s about me.”

She turned to me again. “Then what’s it about?”

I turned my head to her with that sheepish smile of mine. “Dunno.”

She smiled back. “Whatever. I’m here, you see, and we’d fight this off together.”

At that moment, I asked myself, “Why is she saying that? Man, she… she has left me. She’s someone else’s now, after all. She… should not be fucking talking to me like that, man. Then… why?”

“No doubt—it’s her way of repaying to me helping her, obviously.”

“Hey, Sana!”

Sana turned backward to the entrance of the classroom, from where she was called, and stood up.

Daksh walked in from the entrance, turned to us, and started walking to us. He was smiling, for some reason, and his hands were in the pockets of his trousers.

“Uh, were both of you busy?”

“Nah, it’s alright,” She replied.

“Okay then.” He then moved his head a little closer to her and said in a really low tone, for some reason, “See, my friends would be going out somewhere to eat after school. Wanna join?”

“Really?”

Daksh nodded with a smile. “Do you have some cash with you?”

Sana shook her head.

“Uh, I’d pay for you, then. But you’re coming, and that’s final.”

“No, I don’t want you to pay for me.”

“Hear me out,” He moved her right palm out. “I’m not paying for you. It’s just like you’re using my money for the time being. You can pay back whenever you want, okay?”

“Uhm, I’d think about it. Anyway, there will be girls too, right?”

“I guess there’d be a couple more, since everyone is bringing their girlfriends in.”

THUMP!

“Cool. I’d think about it, you see, and then tell you by hometime.”

“Alright.”

“Bye-bye, then.”

“Bye-bye,” He replied with a smile and started to walk away.

Sana turned to me and sat down on the chair again.

I turned from the window to her again, and smiled. “So you’re really his girlfriend, huh?”

“Yeah, emo,” She replied with a smile.

“Damn, man. How did you two… even get this close?”

She turned her head rightward shyly for a second before looking at me again. “Well, we did nothing the whole month but play Jenshin together, you see. We used to play for hours!”

My eyes widened. “Man…”

Smiling, she continued, “And, well, one day, like, he… Okay. In the game, he, like, did something really cute… that I can’t really describe it, you see. And then, he confessed.” She turned her head rightward, glaring aimlessly. “Well, I was about to reject him at first, but then he… sang a poem for me.” She turned to me, looking directly into my eyes. “Well, it was really funny, you see. But, it was filled with cute things about me. So… I agreed.”

I could do nothing but smile awkwardly.

“He made sure I’m comfortable around him. He remembered little things about me, even those that I’d told him in, like, sixth or seventh grade, you see. He… He made me feel like myself.” She turned her head rightward again, glaring aimlessly into the infinity. “I… feel myself with him, K. I-I enjoy spending time with him. I think of him all day. I… I love him, K. I truly feel like I’m in love with him.”

“Damn… Damn it!” I thought. “She… was never gonna come to me, after all.”

She turned to me. “You see, you’d still be my best friend. Don’t act like I’ve broken up with you or something, emo!”

I turned my head leftward, and my eyes widened for a second. “Damn, man.” I then blinked. “That guy… really…”

“Ahahahahahaa.”

I turned to her again. “No doubt, it’s cool.”

“Yeah, it’s really cool.”

I turned to her smiling face again, and… and nodded, thinking, “She was never supposed to be mine. We were just friends, after all. She never saw me that way. She had always seen me as a fucking best friend, as a fucking brother, as a fucking family.”

Ding, dong. Ding, dong.

“Well, what are you thinking, K?” She asked as she stood up.

“Farewell party is this Sunday, huh?” I asked. I then turned my head to her.

She smiled. “Yeah.”

“What should I wear?” I thought. I was just about to open my mouth to ask her that, but then, I stopped. “No,” I told myself. “I’ve lost that right.”

“Damn, man. This year… is gonna end soon, huh?”

“Yeah. And then, a new school, a new life,” Sana said as she turned her head frontward.

“A fucking lot has happened this year, man,” I thought. “A fucking lot.”

***

“I did so much for her, didn’t I?”

The lights of the room were shut. The whole house had turned silent, including my room where I was lying on bed, tossed toward the dark pink curtains, covered with my blanket. It was nighttime, and the day had ended, obviously.

“Dear, girls nowadays just try to use boys. I’ve seen some girls using innocent guys for things around here.”

“See, she ate the meal and didn’t even think about returning to you back.”

“But she’s a kid too, just like you. If you took twenty or thirty rupees from someone, would you not think of returning it back?”

I remembered all those words from my mom as I lay on the bed, my eyes wide open, staring aimlessly at the curtains on my left. “I did so much for her, man. I… I lied to my parents for her. I told them so many times that I was talking to a boy even when it was actually her with whom I was on call. I… I lied to my parents about JenCon. Fuck, I didn’t even give a damn about Jenshin or any other stuff like that, but I still left my friend’s birthday party to spend time with her. I… worried about her. I felt down when she felt down. I tried to lift her mood up when she felt down. I… cared too much about her. I…”

I gulped in.

“Those… matching t-shirts, those manga volumes we agreed we’d read together, and… that promise that we made that we’d go to AniCon next year together. The time we spent with Kirishima-senpai, the times we laughed together, the… the metro train ride that we had while coming back home. She trusts me so much. But then… why… did she leave me?”

I closed my eyes and turned my head upward. I moved my right arm up and covered my eyes with my elbow, for some reason. No doubt, I couldn’t… control anymore, man.

“Did I not show her how much I love her? Did I not make it obvious to her, man? Did she not… understand… how I feel about her?”

I remembered my DM with Jiya, man.

‘No.’

‘So why do you…?’

‘… I got it, Kriti.’

‘Don’t think that… that I don’t like you or stuff like that, man. But…’

‘Okay, bro.’

“I promised myself that I will never confess my feelings to her, so that I might not lose her. But… But maybe, I should have. Right at the beginning, I should have confessed my feelings to her.”

I remembered the first time that she had said to me, “That’s sad.”

It was a brightly sunny afternoon, during lunch-break, when she had said that to me. Just like a usual lunch-break, students were scattered and surroundings were filled with chats and laughs.

“What’s sad about it?”

“No, not like that, but…” She turned her head up, gulped in her food, and tried to explain it to me. “Like, it was just an expression… for… for something… like…” She turned at me. “I didn’t really mean that it’s sad, but like, yeah, okay.”

“Ah, I guess I got it,” I replied with a smile, and then turned at my food again.

“D-Do you, uh… By any chance, d-do you like anime?” Beneath my neutral face, a thought suddenly stroke my head, “Fuck, man! Obviously, she won’t!”

Her eyes lit up and widened as she moved her head up from her thighs at me. “You too?!”

“Yeah!” I smiled, sighing inside my chest that it worked well.

“I sometimes watch it, but what I’m really into is a game.”

“Jenshin?”

“Yeah!”

“For some reason, all weeb gamers are into Jenshin.” I commented with a smile.

“Because Jenshin is so cool! Like, they literally merged fantasy RPG with open-world adventures! That’s so cool!”

“Yeah, I should have… confessed just then. Right on the first day. After all, I would have not gotten too attached to her, I’d have not sacrificed my friend’s birthday party and lost him because of her, I’d not have to lie to my parents too much, I’d have never said no to Jiya’s confession, and… I’d not be fucking lying here right now, crying like an absolute fucking loser.”