schism

I washed my face until I washed nothing, until I was Isao no more, but an ephemeral being, timeless, unburdened by the constraints of a pathetic, fleshy vessel, and who could not only confront an evil syndicate, society and the 2nd law of thermodynamics, but also his... its... boyfriend.

It was true that he hadn't showed up yesterday after shoving his tongue down my throat for the second time since we'd met. Why, though? Why the contradictory behavior? It was my fault, obviously, but... why? That was the part I couldn't get to. Surely, the Not Youji fanart couldn't have scared him off that much, could it? Unless. It wasn't even that bad. And he also had... fine, he didn't have two hundred and ninety-nine boyfriends, but he'd obviously been with many people in the past, so it shouldn't have bothered him, anyway. Maybe. 

Somebody called me.

Youji didn't have my number and my parents worked until late, so—

I picked up the call with my face and hair still dripping. "H-hi, Mr. Clarence."

"Hello, hello. Can you take care of the shop by yourself for an hour or two? I'll be there as soon as I can, but I'm busy with my real job right now. If you can't, just close it. Don't worry."

"...huh. Um. But. What's going on?"

"Is Natsume still there?"

He wasn't. I went back to the counter so fast I stumbled, and he wasn't. "No... what's... did..." I couldn't ask him if something had happened when I should've been next to Youji all this time. "...no."

"I wonder what's wrong. When he called, he just said he had an 'emergency'. Anyway, will you close down the shop? It's up to you."

"Why... if... i-if Youji had been the one to stay by himself, would you have asked him the same?"

It took a moment for Mr. Clarence to respond. "Don't worry about that."

So yes.

"Just close it. We'll go back to normal tomorrow. I'll get someone else to help if needed."

Right, because I was something wrong.

"Okay. Wait. No. I'm fine. I'll. Open."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"...well, I'll be there as soon as I can. And if anything happens—"

"I'll tell you yes thank you it'll be fine everything's fine." I hung up. I couldn't breathe, but I couldn't run away, either. An 'emergency'. Sure thing. 

I'd scared him off. 

It'd taken a while, but I'd finally done it. 

No 'you're a great guy, but...'. 

No 'I'm sure you'll find the right people for you'. 

Nothing. 

I shouldn't have told him our faults canceled out. I should've told him his was worse, so...

So? So he'd feel guilty and stay? 

Bad. 

And this was why I was carbon monoxide. At least I'd left the door open. 

Ootsuki and mean Touma scribbled away at their table, and I wasn't about to tell her to help, especially after yesterday. I'd never seen her parents. I'd seen the other girl's parents, and how they'd show up as customers every now and then, drop and pick her up by car. In that sense, I got it. If this was Ootsuki's comfort zone, I got it. 

I stood at the counter until I had to kneel, just for a moment. I wanted to cry. But no. No tears. I had to be responsible for an hour or two. I couldn't be something wrong for an hour or two. No drowning in puddles. Life went on. Mr. Clarence hadn't been cryptic enough yesterday so it was obvious this shop wouldn't last very long. I'd graduate eventually. Life would go on, whether I wanted to or not. Besides, it was pathetic to cry for someone I hadn't even known for that long. Would he cry for me? Exactly. Nobody would. Nobody should. If anything, he'd been too nice to give me a glimpse into how life was like for most people. I'd been greedy. 

Once I forced tearducts.exe to stop working, I stood up. "Fuck," I said, because the syndicate boss Yamada had spontaneously materialized in front of the counter. "I mean... sorry... um. Sorry. What would you like to order?"

"Where's Youji."

I wanted to cooly reply 'not in the menu', but what came out instead was, "H... ff... n..."

"Did he tell you where he went."

"No..."

"Really."

I swallowed. I swallowed the fear back. Not really, but yes really. "So. So w-what would. What would you, um. Order. What? Would you..." Yes really, but not really. 

"Five cups of coffee, please."

I nodded. 

"Four people will walk in about fifteen minutes from now. Three men, one woman. Please prepare the drinks until then."

The syndicate. 

Yamada the syndicate boss looked as though he wanted to say something else, but ultimately, he didn't, because he correctly surmised that his intimidation tactics had worked. 

I had to crouch again. The floor spun. Everything did. Everything. But. I had a coffee shop to protect. Actually, I had a Youji to protect, too, even if he finally hated me. I wouldn't let these assholes persuade him back into their syndicate of evil no matter what. As easy as it would've been to close the shop, to do so would mean that the boss rush could happen tomorrow again, or the day after that, and so on and so forth, and now Youji and I wouldn't be on speaking terms because I didn't want to make his life worse, he'd be especially vulnerable to their attacks.

So no. I had to chase them off once and for all today. Tonight. Whatever it was.

Twenty minutes later, they still hadn't showed up. The coffee candy businessman and a young couple had, though. I did what I could with their orders. I pretended they were my allies. Realistically speaking, I'd probably have to protect them, too, in case the syndicate got aggressive. 

...what if...

...what if... right as they circled me and were about to beat me up, Youji—

No.

—showed up to rescue me?

I said no.

What if he found my failed heroism charming enough to be my boyfriend again?

No, goddammit.

What if he stabbed someone again and went back to jail and had an even harder time getting jobs and places to live in?

Exactly. 

Half of the couple waved for me to approach their table, which I did, whereupon she told me, "What's wrong with the sandwiches today? They're so salty."

"The paninis are usually on point," said the other half. "Today, though..."

I kept telling Ootsuki and Youji to let me help at the kitchen, let me practice—but no. They kept bringing up excuses. And this was the result. "I'm. I'm sorry. I'll go and. Um. But. The guy who makes them is, um. Combing a sweater."

"Is that a joke?" Asked the female half.

brain.exe heart.exe lungs.exe mouth.exe everything stopped working everything

Ootsuki pushed me to the side. When had she showed up? "I apologize," she told them, "We're a bit understaffed today. I'll prepare these for you again. On the house. Kiryuuin, go back to the counter."

no

"Go back, you—fool."

As I did, I heard the male half say, "It's good that you guys give jobs to people like him, but please make sure that..." I stopped listening after that. No point. I couldn't tell Ootsuki to fuck off and study because if I did and somebody else asked for something from the kitchen, I'd mess it up again. To bring this place down due to pride would be silly. 

I still told her, as she headed to fix the mess I'd made, "If Mr. Clarence finds out about this—"

"I know. He won't."

He would. 

Had I closed down this place and the young couple wouldn't have ordered sandwiches, or maybe they would have, but somewhere else. Not here. So then Ootsuki would still be studying and she wouldn't have to cry again.

The syndicate showed up: Jun, the guy who's almost ruined the jukebox, the cannibal girl, and incubus Touma. 

The boss glanced at my direction as though I'd forgotten about his order, as though I could forget. I didn't. I prepared the five cups of coffee. None of them had forks, but they all had spirals. It was a war cry. It was on.

On my way to them, incubus Touma asked the cannibal girl, "So is that Isao?"

I tripped.