Celicia (Part 1)

“Kgh!”

I grabbed the broken finished bowl through my hazy gaze and placed it to the side.

“You’re getting sloppy kid.”

“…”

I know that! Just be quiet for a second.

The old man opens his Clairvoyance clock, and then he looks at me.

“Take a break kid. I’ll be going to the city to get some supplies.” He says as he grabs a bag that’s hanging on a wall.

“O-Okay...” I hold my pounding head, praying that it'll stop. 

The old man walks out of the room, his footsteps gradually disappearing into the hallways.

“…Five minutes.”

I step down from the chair and sit on the wooden porch, laying down on its cool surface.

“Haah…”

“...Helloo~” Celicia’s face appears in front of me while she holds a glass in her right hand.

“Hii~” I replied.

“Here’s some water,” Celicia said as she lent me her left hand.

“Thanks…” I grab her left hand, pulling myself up. After that, I grabbed the glass of water that she was holding with my right hand, downing the entire content in one go.

“Puaah… I’m alive again…”

“It seems like you’ve improved a lot…” Celicia said as she looked at the array of bowls lying on the table.

“Yeah… But it’s not enough…” I wipe my forehead and stand myself up, “Breaks over, time to continue…”

I drag my heavy body towards my desk, my eyelids struggling to keep themselves up, the numbing pain on my right hand slowly reappearing.

Before I realized it, my knees lost all their strength as I fell on the spot.

“Yuuma!” Celicia rushed over and held me up before my entire body fell to the ground.

“Huh...? W-What happened...?” I muttered.

“You idiot! How long have you been practicing?!” Celicia puts me next to a wall, letting my body stay up.

“Huh…?” I process the words that Celicia just said. My brain hurts just from thinking a bit, but I continue, “Three hours?”

“Don’t lie to me!” Celicia shouts out, “I saw you working late last night!”

“Oh…”

“I didn’t approach you since it was twelve. You also seemed fine, so I left you alone…” She pauses for a bit and continues, “What time did you sleep?”

“Uhh…” I recollect my past memories. I didn’t look at my pocket watch, so I didn’t know at what specific time I slept. Through my hazy gaze, I continue, “I think it was… morning by the time I fell asleep?”

“What the heck is wrong with you?!” Celicia proceeded to flick my forehead.

“Ow…”

“Didn’t you promise me to not overwork yourself?!” Celicia looked downwards, “Why are you trying this hard…?” Her voice trails off.

“…Because… I’m scared…”

“Huhh? What do you mean?”

“I’m scared… of being left behind by you…”

“…”

Stop it.

You can’t show your weak side to her.

You’re not good enough to be standing next to her.

“You’re in complete control of your emotions, you have your own priorities, and… you allowed someone like me to stay in your house…”

“…”

If you keep talking, she won’t be able to accept you.

No. You won’t be able to accept yourself. You won’t be able to forgive yourself.

If you say any more than this, there’ll be no going back.

“But… You lack the confidence to be proud of what you can do… And I want to do everything I can to give you that boost…”

“…”

“But… I can’t do that unless I’m good enough to be next to you… That’s why…”

“…”

Celicia then stands up and slowly walks towards my table.

“…?”

She grabbed a pile of clay on the bottom floor, put it on top of the potter wheel, and turned on the machine.

“W-What are you—”

“…!”

Celicia hovers her hands on top of the wheel, her face quickly straining and turning red as the lump of clay slowly starts to shape.

“…! Idiot! What are you doing?!” I quickly stood up and woozily rushed to her, turning off the potter wheel.

Celicia starts panting, her forehead completely soaked in sweat. She opens her mouth,

“We’re both idiots… Aren’t we?”

“Huh? What are you saying?” I tilt my head.

“Yuuma…”

Celicia looks straight into me, followed by her sticking her left hand.

“Will you let me stand next to you?”

“…!” I feel my face growing warm from that sentence alone. I compose myself and continue, “W-What do you mean by that?”

“This entire time, I’ve been chasing after you…” Celicia pulls her hand slightly.

“…”

What is she talking about?

I haven’t done anything noteworthy for you to do that.

“Seeing you connect with my family, seeing you do everything you can to make up your weak sides, seeing you try so hard to be a better person… It got me scared of getting left behind as well…”

“…”

Scared?

I’m trying to be a better person so I can help you.

No. I’m trying to be a better person so I can be qualified in your eyes. I’m trying to be a better person so you would acknowledge me. There’s nothing noteworthy or noble in my reasons.

“That’s why… I chased after you… I’m done getting left behind, so I’m catching up to you!” Celicia then stretched her hand forward, opening her palm, “However, I want to change and grow alongside you the most...”

“…!”

“That’s why… will you?” Celicia motions her hand forward.

“…I can’t.”

“…!” Celicia’s hand flinches. However, her hand is still hanging, “Can you… At least give me a reason?”

“...It’s because… I’m not trying to be a better person for myself…” I gaze downward. However, I clench both of my fists and push the words out of my throat, “The reason why I’m trying to change is because I want you to acknowledge me…”

“…”

“I didn’t try my best to improve myself. I didn’t try my best to feel proud of myself. I tried my best because I want you to think that I’m cool…” I unclenched my hands.

“…”

“That’s why…”

I would push people away so they don’t have to get involved with me. If they get close to me, I know they’ll feel nothing but disappointment towards me.

But,

“…!” I grasp Celicia’s left hand with mine, holding it firm so it doesn’t let go.

“…!” Celicia’s body flinches at my clasp. 

“Despite everything I’ve said; are you really okay with growing alongside me?”

“…!”

That’s right.

Out of everyone, I want her of all people to see me for who I am. To see my genuine desires, my ugly side, the side of me that I’m not aware of. If she wants to grow together with me. If she wants to change together with me,

Then I need to reciprocate that.

“…Yes,” Celicia strengthened the grip of her left hand, “I still want to grow alongside you!”

Celicia motions herself to stand up. I replied to that motion by pulling her upwards towards me, resulting in us staring at each other at close range.

“…”

“…”

Celicia is almost as tall as me, so both of us looked at each other on an equal level; neither of us willing to break our gaze.