15 - Changes (for the better)

I went back home and cried. Hard.

I couldn't contain my feelings even if I wanted to. Even the insane amount of tears couldn't extinguish the painful flames emerging from my heart. Everything hurt. Everything.

I was bombarded with so many different emotions and thoughts—frankly, none of them were of the positive kind.

Heartbreak. The person I liked loved someone else.

Disappointment. There was nothing I could do to change that.

Despair. There was no way I could magically make my feelings for her disappear.

Anger. Towards myself and my life. Of course, right when I finally found someone to be truly interested in, she'd be with someone else already.

Disgust. Who was I even? How could I ever believe that I had a chance at love? Didn't I already know that it had nothing to do with me?

Worry. On top of all of this, I was still worried about her, goddammit! Whoever her partner was, for reasons I couldn't even begin to imagine—they weren't on good terms. But I could tell how much he mattered to Rika-san. So, despite my complex feelings, I just wished things could get better for her. So that she could smile freely…

I spent a good amount of time crying and allowing myself to truly experience any emotion that surfaced. Rika-san had inspired me to stay with my emotions and digest them properly. And that's what I did, instead of pretending, or running away. By the end, I was feeling much more lighter.

It wasn't our fault. Not mine, and certainly not hers. If she knew of this, she'd feel so guilty over something she had zero control over. I didn't want that. I knew that she would want the best for me. And that 'best for me', in this case, would mean me taking good care of myself during a tough time.

I still felt hurt. That was okay. But this wasn't a situation where you could do something to make it work with effort—my only option was to focus on my own wellbeing. I went to my sacred space and thoroughly washed my face. Since I hadn't cried in such a long time, I had forgotten how silly faces looked after crying. Red eyes, accompanied with a runny nose. I looked… sick.

I suppose that's why they called it 'lovesick', huh. Well, life would go on some way or another—and despite me carrying a lot of heavy despair, there was a ray of hope blooming inside me. I just… somehow felt that I'd be all okay by the end of this. It'd just take a while to digest, that was all. I already had stuff lined up that could potentially help my condition: the biggest candidate being our meeting at the mall with my childhood friends.

I made sure to arrive half an hour earlier, since I knew of Riku's habit. This time, he was reading a manga volume instead of gaming, although he was as immersed as the other time. I approached with calm steps, hoping to not catch him too off guard.

"Rikkun, hello." He raised his head up from the manga sitting on his lap, not too hastily. Yup, he wasn't startled this time!

"Yo, Mattsun… wait, are you okay?" Alright, it's not like I was actively trying to hide my inner world this time, but was it that obvious really? "Haha, sharp eyes indeed… Well, I guess something did happen." I sat down next to him on the bench and checked our group chat. Mayu was just out from home, so it'd be for a while until she arrived. Since today was also her project celebration day, I didn't want to worry her with my heartbreak situation.

"Hey, uh, Rikkun? Could you listen to me, and keep this just between the two of us?" He shut down the volume inside his hands and said, "Of course, of course. I'm always ready to listen." I thanked him and took a deep breath. "Remember Rika-san? Turns out she has a boyfriend already." Riku's eyes widened and he couldn't speak for a while. Then he sort of looked down, and mumbled "Man… I'm so sorry. That must… Hurt."

A bittersweet smile formed on my tired face. "Well, it's certainly something to process." He nodded, and gave my shoulder a pat. "It's rough, I know. Please take all the time you need to process this." He would know this feeling—a million times more than me, in fact. After all, he had broken up with his childhood sweetheart of many years, even if their families thought it was certain that they'd marry… Mayu and him.

Things were silent between us for a couple of minutes. Despite the footsteps and chatter of the people around us, everything felt so quiet. Until he finally spoke up.

"I, uh… I guess it's good that you found out, before things got even more serious?" I felt my insides ache. Yeah, this hurt, but it was most likely nowhere near losing your partner for years, knowing that none of it was your own fault. I almost felt a bit ashamed, but he followed it up with, "I'm definitely not saying that it doesn't hurt, no. I can imagine how shocking it is. But I guess… I'm just glad that you wouldn't have to deal with something of my own scale. I… couldn't handle mine all that well."

I momentarily put aside my own situation to let him know that he was actually doing amazing. "Hey, you're doing great, Rikkun… I know that Mayu felt very guilty about it, too—but you guys still managed to keep your friendship; our friendship. I was so scared that we would all fall apart. But you were very mature and understanding towards her. Not even for a moment did you blame her. It's… It's admirable. Please do not discredit yourself." He smiled, gently and like an angel's. "Heh, a lot of people asked me if I could forgive her, but I didn't even have to think of such concepts. Forgiveness? She didn't even do anything wrong. This was the absolute most correct thing that she could have done. Since I love her… It's most natural I'd want the best for her. I want her to be happy." He paused for a bit, still smiling. "She wants me to be happy, too."

Before I could think, I reached for a hug and held him tight. He patted my back. "Do you know what was so tough?" I let go of the hug to listen to him. "The tough thing was to get my future back. Ever since I was a little boy, it was just so natural for me that I loved Mayu. For me, she was my definition of love. Everyone said that we'd get married, and she looked so happy with the idea, too. But we were just kids, yeah? As we grew up, it became apparent that she was confusing… familial feelings for romantic love. And one day, she opened up to me that she was interested in girls. It was so, so difficult for her to admit this, I could see that clearly. I hated how achy she looked, so all I could do was to hug her and reassure that everything would be alright, and that I was thankful for her honesty.

"So… we were able to go forward—keeping our deep bond, which I'm so thankful for. But…" His voice got shakier with each sentence. "But I still loved her romantically. I really did want to marry her, and this was just a fact for me after all those years together. And suddenly, that kind of future stopped being a possibility—I didn't know where to go. What to think. It was very difficult to accept that it wouldn't happen… But, y'know, what helped was to realize that it was actually plain impossible right from the beginning. None of us would be happy if I trapped her inside a life she didn't want; one she couldn't fit into even if she tried.

"So… Here we are. Things are… much more better now, but it'd be a lie if I said it still didn't hurt from time to time. Even if it was impossible in the end, I still mourn that future. That's why…" He held my hand. "I understand. And if you need anything, don't you ever forget that I'm here for you. You've done so much for me during my tough time, so I'll do my best to be your support and shield this time around."

I felt my eyes tear up again. He noticed, and gently pointed it out. I hastily wiped them away with my sleeves, and grumbled, "Gahh, this love business has totally turned me into a crybaby…" He laughed and said that he himself had probably cried enough to make a brand new ocean. "I'll make sure that you manage this without that many tears happening. I got your back, Yuuma." I sincerely thanked him, and joked that I'd appreciate it if my tears only accumulated to fill a small fish tank.

Before Mayu arrived, I went to the nearest restroom and fixed up my face. I'd definitely let her know of my heartbreak—but only in its due time. Today was a day of celebration! With her arrival, it was time to hit up the stores!

First, we decided to find some new items for me, and then we would have lunch together. As for afterwards… Well, we would decide accordingly. Mayu's (and my own!) eyes shined bright at the colorful and quirky outfits we saw around. It was time for me to embrace my colorful soul! Perhaps expectedly, most of the items were made for women—but Mayu insisted that as long as it fit my size, it was made for Yuuma Matsushima, and not just for women!

However, to my surprise, there were quite many shirts in the men's section that also caught my eye. I especially enjoyed a red heart patterned white shirt, so I decided to get it. Mayu combined it with stylish denim shorts, and while it wasn't the most unique styling, it was a good start at freshening up my wardrobe. Afterwards, we browsed more novel-concepted stores—and so many items caught my eye, it was insane! Riku, despite claiming to not understand fashion, pointed out some incredible findings in the shops. He also had fun in his own ways, picturing his favorite characters wearing them! It was very fun to listen to his style match-ups.

In the end, I had got myself these new shiny additions for my collection: the heart patterned shirt, the denim shorts, various cute t-shirts, a pair of sunglasses, a bucket hat and (perhaps the most exciting item!) a denim overall dress. When I got myself the pair of sunglasses, it was a slightly bittersweet moment, as Rika-san would always sport dark shades. It'd be fun to match her, but that'd make no sense at this point, so I opted for some fun pink-ish hue ones, with golden frames.

Well, I could at least hope that she'd like my fashion as a friend, yeah?

Once it was time for lunch, we decided to go to our favorite sandwich shop since our childhood. Admittedly, their food wasn't of the same flavor as before, but they were still a great establishment. We picked our go-to sandwiches, and enjoyed a fun chatter. Mayu told us all about her project process, Riku told us about a new series he had become obsessed with, and I shared my idol group designs with them. They were a huge hit! Both of them praised me a lot, making me sort of emotional. I looked at both of them, and admired their features, their brightness and their strength.

Ah, I loved them so much.

We had overcome so much, and we would continue to do so. When I shared these thoughts with them, Mayu waved her hands around. "Sheesh, isn't one sentimental guy enough for our friend group~?" She poked her tongue at Riku, making us laugh. "As if you don't think the same way about us, Mayu!" Riku's response made her puff her cheeks, but then she gave us a hug through her seat, reaching forward with her arms. "Aaagh, come here! Of course I love you two, more than anything else in the world!" She joked that maybe not more than matcha ice cream, which was her favorite.

"Speaking of, why don't we grab some? Yuuma could tell us all about his manga project, too~" Riku took a glance at me, and sensibly handled the offer. "Well, the ice cream's a good idea, but Yuuma is probably still developing the story, so let's hear about that in its due time, yeah?" Thankfully, Mayu did not suspect anything and we went to get our ice cream. I patted Riku's back for potentially helping me avoid talking about Rika-san, and he nodded in acknowledgement.

Once we arrived at the ice cream stand, we told Mayu that she could have it all she wanted, and it would be our treat as the prize for her hard work. She put on a comically serious expression, and said "...and thus, young Yuuma and Riku had no idea what they were getting themselves into," like a narrator on the TV screens. When we insisted that she deserved it all, she flipped her hair dramatically and said, "Well then, don't mind if I do~"

With the ice cream in our hands, we enjoyed our chatter, laughter, and bantering to our heart's content.

No matter what happened in my life, it was always nice to have this duo's reliable arms; always ready to catch me…!