Seen Through

After that, Emma started sharing a whole bunch of stuff about Adica that I wasn't particularly interested in hearing. As I had previously mentioned, her fascination with Adica appeared to border on obsession, and now, her fervor was becoming even more conspicuous. She kept saying how similar Adica and I were, like we were two people carrying around the burden of unmet wishes and dreams. But to be honest, I didn't really buy into that idea. It just didn't seem right to me.

"And that's pretty much all there is to know..." Her voice finally tapered off, and I became aware that the outside world had transformed into a canvas of orange and deep hues, visible through the expansive windows. "And then there's..." Her words seemed to dissolve into an unfinished sentence, as if her thoughts had abruptly abandoned her. I remained firmly in my seat, clutching its arms, an eager anticipation hanging in the air as I waited for her to continue.

"Do you have anything else to tell me?"

She didn't wait for a reply, scooping up her bag and made her way toward the room's exit. However, just beyond the doors, her footsteps halted. "Reol," she said, her voice now carrying a sense of urgency, "this is the final time I'll stress it Adica should know nothing about what I've told you!" And then she left.

To me, Adica was like the living version of everything I'd always wished to be. She had all the qualities and skills I'd spent my life dreaming of. Intelligence, grace, talent, you name it – she had it all. But then, as Emma had told me, Adica wasn't content with her life. It was a real puzzle: she was living my dreams, yet she wasn't happy about it.

Perhaps that's what connects us, Adica and me—the feeling that we're not content with where we are right now. We both understand that there's more to life, more to ourselves, just waiting to be discovered.

I didn't really know anything about Adica, but when Emma talked about her, it was like looking into a mirror. Not just seeing her, but also seeing my own past. Memories came flooding back... of how I'd pushed myself so hard to meet other people's expectations, all the while neglecting a big part of who I truly was. It was a powerful realization, one that tugged at my heart and made me think deeply about my choices.

I'd wrestled with these thoughts many times in the past, but now, it felt different from any other time. It was as if a fresh breeze had swept through my soul, carrying away the self-imposed constraints that had hindered me. It seemed that both Adica and I were embarked on a mission to reclaim what we had lost during those years—those fragments of our authentic selves and our passions, all of which we had set aside in the pursuit of others' approval.

It was just another ordinary morning at school, and I went through my usual routine, shuffling to my desk without giving it much thought. My mind had been heavy since yesterday, and that feeling had only grown when I woke up today, kind of blurring everything around me.

Then, out of the blue, John's voice stopped me in my tracks. "Good morning," he said.

For a moment, I wondered if he was actually talking to me. My foggy mind made it hard to separate reality from the dreamy haze that surrounded me. It took me a moment to collect my thoughts, to realize that John was definitely looking at me. A little smile started to pull at my lips, and I replied, "Good morning, John."

Just when I was about to carry on, he suddenly got up from his desk. "Hey, Reol, isn't the weather great today?" he asked.

I blinked, a little surprised by his sudden fascination with the weather. "Well, it's a bit chillier than yesterday," I replied, offering a small smile.

John's question left me feeling a bit puzzled, and I couldn't help but wonder if something was up. I tilted my head slightly, studying his expression. "Do I have something on my face?" I joked, half expecting a playful response.

He chuckled, shaking his head. "Nah, nothing like that. It's just..."

"Just...?" I prompted, my curiosity getting the better of me.

John appeared to hesitate for a moment before brushing the thought aside. "Forget it. It's not a big deal."

I mirrored his smile, but a lingering unease settled in my stomach. The morning carried on in our usual classroom routine. I made my way back to my desk, walking past Adica, whose eyes, as usual, avoided meeting mine. It was the same as any other day, yet something about it felt a bit off. My thoughts drifted back to what had happened yesterday, how she'd suddenly left the music room in a hurry.

My eyes briefly darted over to Emma, who was shooting angry glares at me from her seat. I quickly settled into my chair and lowered my gaze, pretending not to notice. I knew I owed Adica an apology for my careless words, but as I sat there, my thoughts were all tangled up, and I struggled to find the right words. How could I even start to explain the careless comment I'd made? Would she even be open to hearing my side of the story? We both carried that pain, that sense of despair, but would revealing it bring us closer together or push us farther apart?

I let out a deep sigh, my fingers tapping nervously on the worn desk surface. In moments like these, I couldn't help but envy Emma. Even though her personality might sometimes seem a bit intimidating, beneath that tough exterior was someone who was genuinely kind and thoughtful, especially when it came to Adica. Emma had this amazing knack for speaking her mind, for being unapologetically true to herself. It was a quality I admired greatly, something I often wished I had.

To me, Emma was like a shining example of authenticity, navigating life with a clarity that I struggled to achieve. While I stumbled over my own words and actions, she appeared to effortlessly express herself, a trait that only made me admire her even more.

During recess today, something surprising happened that brought a ray of hope to an otherwise ordinary day for me. Right after the bell rang, John came up to me with an unexpected request. He asked if I wanted to have lunch together in the cafeteria. The initial surprise soon turned into excitement, and I couldn't help but nod eagerly. It was the first time I'd ever shared a meal with a classmate, and the idea of it felt strangely comforting.

We both grabbed sandwiches from the cafeteria after a brief wait in line, and then, with our food in hand, we made our way to a nearby bench.

"So, Reol, anything interesting been happening in your life lately?" John asked, taking a big bite of his sandwich.

"Interesting?" I hesitated, uncertain about how much to reveal. I unwrapped my own sandwich, nibbling at the corner. "Not much, just the usual school... stuff."

John swallowed a bite of his sandwich and leaned closer, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Come on, don't keep me in the dark. Share the scoop."

"As I mentioned," I began, picking up a napkin and wiping my fingers, "it's pretty mundane, just classes and homework."

"But it doesn't seem that way to me."

In just a short while, John's manner had changed noticeably. It was like he became a different person, but not in a scary way – more like he had me curious. The air around us still felt light, but now there was this extra warmth that had been there right from the start.

Then, as we kept on talking about everyday stuff, John asked me a question that made me stop in my tracks. He asked, "Hey, Reol, is there something on your mind? This morning, you seemed tired, not like yesterday..."

Yesterday...? The word jogged my memory, and I remembered finally... with all my thoughts spiraling, I gave little thought to things around me. I even forgot to greet him good morning today first. And yet, he still didn't hesitate... it was me. It hit me that it was my turn now. I let out a sigh, realizing that there was no escaping this talk.

I admitted, "Well, yeah, there is something. I had this strange thing happen with Adica yesterday."

"Adica?" John looked puzzled.

I nodded, feeling a little unsure. "Yeah, Adica. We were in the music room, and I said something that...well, it seemed like it hurt her feelings. She just left without saying anything."

John took a moment to think about it. "Hmm, that is strange. But you know, maybe she just had a rough day?"

"No... that can't be it..."

"Are you guessing it's something really serious?"

I shrugged again. "I hope not... but it felt different, you know? Like there's something more to it."

"What do you want to do now then? Do you want to leave things as they are, or is there anything else which can be done?"

"Do now... I've been thinking that too." I said, brushing my hair with my fingers, "But my minds a mess. I can't think of anything."

"Do you want to tell her that you're sorry?"

I didn't even need a second to think, "Yeah... yeah," like I was giving away a piece of my soul. "I want to tell her. But a half-hearted sorry won't fix-"

"If you want to apologize, then don't wait." He responded, not letting me finish. "Maybe she's hoping to hear that. Who knows?"

"But how can I be sure? Shouldn't she be trying to avoid me more now?"

With a playful grin, John climbed onto the table, gently patting on my shoulder. "Why are you thinking like that? You don't know how she feels about any of this. Remember, waiting for someone can be painful and difficult, but so is it to make someone else wait for you too. Don't be so tough on yourself... you shouldn't have any regrets in the end."

His words possessed a sort of enchantment, as if they could dispel the jumbled thoughts clouding my mind. Above all, for the first time, I could converse with someone without averting my gaze from their eyes.

It was as if the shadows and tangled scribbles were slowly dissipating in the light, and my vision, my words, and even my inner self began to feel less constrained.

As we made our way back to our classroom, John and I unexpectedly bumped into Emma and Adica, who were just coming out of the classroom door. My steps faltered, and I found myself stuck in an awkward moment, unsure of what to do. 

"Just remember what I said." John gently pushed me forward, before he himself slips into one of the rooms nearby.

Recalling my earlier conversation with John, where he had encouraged me to apologize to Adica, I realized that this was the moment. Whatever Adica might think or feel afterward, that was a matter left to fate's discretion. But that didn't mean I couldn't take action now. It had taken me a while to grasp this small yet significant lesson, but in this moment, I was determined to avoid any further regrets.

With a deep breath, I summoned all the courage within me and called out Adica's name. Both girls turned their heads, and for a fleeting moment, our eyes locked. I held her gaze steadfastly. Although I still felt a bit uneasy, it was not as paralyzing as before. It was as if my feelings could flow freely without hindrance.

She averted her gaze quickly, but I refused to be disheartened.

My heart raced in my chest as I stumbled over the words, syllable by syllable, until I finally managed to utter them, "I'm sorry for what I said yesterday."

However, Adica didn't pause. She quickened her pace, walking past me without uttering a word. I watched her recede into the distance. I had made an effort, but it seemed like my words hadn't reached her.

Emma followed Adica, but before passing by me, she gave me an unexpected pat on the shoulder. "Not bad, Reol."

Her words caught me off guard, and I blinked in confusion.

Well, it wasn't the response I had expected from Adica, but even so, she had been present throughout the time it took for me to summon those words. She hadn't fled as she had before, and she had at least heard me out. That counted for something, I was sure of it.

Perhaps this was a sign that things were beginning to change, that she might be willing to forgive and forget?