what am i doing?

setting up my laptop, live on youtube, standing in the middle of a park. currently there is a lot of people walking around here but no one seems really care about me, especially those teens.

i pick my guitar"i am ruru, and i'm going to play my new song, 20 year's old summer vacation."

i am trying to sing as loud as i can, i want all of them to notice me, my music, my existence.

i am standing right here, shouting my lungs out just so that people can hear me, even though i probably sound like an insane person right now with how bad i actually am at singing and playing guitar.

people went past by in front of me, looking at me with disgust and pity, seeing a pile of trash trying to catch attention in the worst way, they probably thought that i am the worst attention whore around here.

i was, a uni student, before i dropped out because of frustration. they won't notice my effort, brushed me off as a weird girl that is trying too hard, and i went unnoticed for my 2 years there.

when i went into uni to study music, i was trying so hard to show my emotions as raw as possible in my art, but those snubby jerks thought that screaming and shouting about your bully in high school is not artistic.

and now here i am, still desperate for attention.

"hey, you're being a public nuisance, go away." said the cop that i just noticed were there.

"i guess that's it, i'll be live again when i got home."

i pack my things and go back to my home sweet home with my bike.

well, today is a fail, i guess at least i still have someone that listen to my stuff online, and i can chat with them too, that's why i stream like everyday.

god, this summer doesn't have any business to be this hot, it's not even august yet, and i feel like i will become an ice cream melting on the road. now i just realized, i don't feel hot at all when i was playing, but now i am burning.

i'm home, at last. my cat, which i call idiot everyday, greeted me with cute meows, even though i know well that she just want her food bowl getting filled to the brim.

"nope, i'm not giving you any more food today, you fat ass."

her cute meows now turn into complain meows, but it is what it is, i don't wanna turn you into a ball and then you dying from overweight.

should i go live now? i kinda feel exhausted after that, let's check the fridge first, maybe there is something that can heal my exhaustion.

what do we got here? a cup of spicy ramen and ice cold bottle of green tea. that's awesome.

put some hot water in the cup and bring it to my bedroom, my desk specifically.

i guess i should go live now, while waiting for the noodle to be ready.

"hey, i'm back." i said, before just chugging the tea i brought. "so how was the song? was it good?"

"it's very relatable" "summer sucks, and you write it pretty well" "as a neet, i agree 100% with what you said." said chat.

"really? thought so, i actually put my emotion there, unlike those soulless nerds back in uni."

"now i can't wait for the studio version." said one of them.

"well, i wouldn't call it a 'studio version' since it's recorded in my bedroom, but it's coming soon-ish."

"do you make a music video for it?" someone asked.

"wait, no. should i make one? but i don't know who is going to record it or what even am i going to record. i don't really know." how i haven't thought about this? "oh by the way, i got this spicy cup ramen, i found it in the fridge, for some reason."

"eating spicy things in summer is a bad idea." said fratman20

"i might not look like it, but i can tolerate much spicier things than this." i said, because this ramen can't be that spicy right?

i start eating the ramen, and boy does it feel hotter than usual.

"you're sweating lol."

"no, this is just sweat from when i was outside."

i know pretty well it's because i can't handle this ramen, my bluff hit me back quite hard. now it's time for my technique, chug everything as quickly as possible so i only have to endure the hotness for a short time.

i feel like my stomach is super mad and trying to puke those ramen back out to save itself, but i won't allow it. i just chug the tea i brought in one go to tone it down.

"see! it's not that bad!" i shouted at them, even though i am sure my face is tomato red with sweats dripping like a waterfall. "anyway, i should've asked this like at the start of the stream, how are you guys doing?"

this is what i do everyday, talking to strangers on the internet like they are my own friends. listening to their stories, talking about the latest things, and sometimes i even stream myself writing and producing songs.

i feel like i am at home on the internet, no one knows who i am, and i also don't know who they are, but we're having fun chatting like we know each other.