The Art of Feeling Like Shit

I’m about to say “It’s not what it looks like”, but what the heck does it even look like?

I’m in Reina’s room, a slight orange surrounding me. I have a knife in my hand while Reina is in her bed just waking up so I guess it really is not what it looks like.

After waiting for her to call the police or just scream, for around 30 seconds I realize what this really is.

I ask rhetorically “You’re not a killer are you?”.

She just says “What?” but the horror in her eyes is gone with just confusion left like I was taught.

Look, I don’t care for my life but I don’t want it to harm other people, wish I was able to do that before.

“I know the feeling of wanting to hurt yourself,” I say to her “But you shouldn't keep it to yourself, otherwise it will fester and become something too much to handle” not mentioning that it has already festered for me.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Reina says to me with horror back in her eyes again, “I’m not hurting myself or anyone else I’m just-”

“Fulfilling myself?” I guess correctly while having the same smug look as she says the same thing.

She just pauses for a second, sighs, and lifts her right sleeve with her left hand revealing multiple cuts most likely made by a knife.

“This has been going on for around a month but its appetite recently became too big to hide normally so I started to wear long sleeves even though it was summer,” she says.

“I can’t believe my characterization is the same as some dating sim character” she continues.

“I don’t think so” I respond “I think that we should not be categorized by what we are but what we do with what we are”.

She chuckles a bit then says to me “Were you like a therapist in a past life?” in a way that makes it obvious that it’s not an actual question to answer but I do anyway.

“I did want to become a therapist at one point but I may have been one in a past life,” I say “Back in high school the people were genuinely impressed on how well I could psychoanalyze people”

For some reason, it feels like a weight has been lifted out of me at that moment.

I see that there is a closet behind me that has some high-quality costumes, probably for an anime convention.

“Hey, could I test you on one thing?” she asks and I respond with “Sure I guess?”.

She comes to my face and says, not in a whisper just in a normal voice, “I’m pansexual” and then she looks at me in a way that is basically saying “And then?”.

I didn't know the “and then” so I just said “And then what?” and as soon as I said that her entire demeanor just brightened and she said victorious “Finally!”.

“Finally what?” I say.

She starts to talk about how she does trust her friends but will only talk about the more personal stuff. if they won't make fun of her and she came up with a test that literally was just saying her sexuality.

“But how do they fail?” I ask.

“You see when most people hear that I'm pan they either say “are you into me then” or “Does that mean you’re attracted to pans?” which is just infuriating,” she says.

I’m about to ask “How did each of them fail” when she answers it for me “Jiro did “You’re into pans?” Anton did “You’re into me?” and Daitan did both somehow”.

At that moment Daitan shouts “ ‘What is happening?!’ “ to her viewers.

“She's still streaming?” I ask.

“Oh yea” she comments “She has this thing where if her chat has donated 150,000 yen in a single day she streams for 24 hours without a break”.

Then there is a pause for around 30 seconds, both of us fidgeting with a question (mine was “How did Atsuo fail the test” because I couldn't imagine her saying either of them).

She finally says “You know, don’t ask me how, but I can feel that there is more to this friend group like there are more secrets”.

I'm about to ask how but she literally just said “Don’t ask me how” so I just say nothing.

“So what do we do with the knife?” she asks, realizing that I still have it in my hand.

“Trash?” I said.

“I mean that is probably the smartest thing but it's a really high-quality knife I think it was like 15,300 yen,” she says.

“So what?” I interject “You just want to go to the nearest store and get some hydrogen peroxide and cook with the same knife that you have been cutting yourself with?”.

Reina stutters a bit and before she can say anything Daitan shouts out “<OH MY something GOD>".

She continues “ <SHE’S STABBING HERSELF WITH THAT KNIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN>“ even louder “<THERE BLOOD EVERYWHERE OH MY GOD!>“.

Reina and I just look at each other for a second and at the same time we say “Trash”.

We do just that. “Hey, later on, can I vent to you about my writing and such” Reina says to me “None of these other quote-on-quote people are that supportive”.

I say sure not thinking much about it just half awake at this point.

We part ways, Reina going back to sleep and me going to the couch.

Then I realized what I just promised.

“Fuck me Fuck me Fuck me,” I say to myself as I lay on the couch, saying that throughout the entire night.

I am “awoken” by Daitan saying to me “Is that consent?”.

“What the hell are you talking about” I say with a yawn “I’ve been sleeping for like 2 hours” look around, and realize that it’s already almost noon.

“You know I just realized something,” Daitan says to me “Why the hell are you still here?” which is a question that I should really ask myself.

“Why are you here when you can easily get 150,000 yen every day?” I say no longer in a yawn but still very tired “.

“You know how much this house costs?” she asks.

I look around and realize that the house is really big. There may only be one floor but I look around and I wonder to myself how I was able to walk around without gasping for air.

I have no idea how to communicate how big it is but I'll try. There are 7 rooms, 1 master bedroom, 4 normal bedrooms, and 2 bathrooms.

Each room is at least 12 meters and the rooms are around 40% of the whole house, the rest is in the hallway and the living room/kitchen which is separated by a counter.

I told you it was just an attempt.

“And I also have to pay for games and multiple premiums” she continues “Also going anywhere fancy takes a lot of money”.

“Could I ask something?” I ask.

“Anton is in love with Atsuo” Daitan blurts out.

“No that’s not what I meant,” I say “but probably true” I pause for a second trying to remember what I was going to ask.

“And you are too,” She says like it's obvious and not something that you would have to read someone's mind to know.

I recoil enough to fall out of the couch, almost hitting my head on the table again (this will be a recurring point).

“I was honestly just winging that but I got it correct, huh”, she says

I stood up and asked, “How did you know?”

“You muttered “I love Atsuo” in your sleep in between you saying fuck me,” she says

“Oh, that is probably a good indication,” I say

“Hey this may seem a little weird but I say go for it,” she says

“Go for what? I ask

“Go for Atsuo, I’ll even help you with everything,” Daitan says

Before I can say “Why the helling why?” Reina comes out in some anime convention costume.

If you really want to know, she is wearing an orange wig, blue contacts to make her eyes look blue, and a red body suit that looks kinda futuristic.

She comes out and waits for…… something?, so I ask “What?” and she gets mad and yells “Asuka!” and walks to the exit.

“You know what anime was that?” I ask (I don’t really watch much anime).

“And you think I know?” Daitan says “Go ask Jiro, he’ll most likely be at karaoke” saying the last part like it wasn't a threat to my well-being.

“Wait,” I said “Didn't you guys go like 4 days ago?, you know the same day as I fell into that car”.

“I don't know, karaoke is just fun,” she says “Were you expecting an actual answer?, Actually wait let me think of something good”.

She thinks for a little bit and says “You see, we have to go back and finish off the karaoke dragon by getting a 100 on Re:Re: by Asian Kung-Fu Generation”.

“Man, even my jokes are better than that,” Jiro says emerging from his room, the first time I saw him ever since that thing that happened yesterday.

“Where were you yesterday?” Daitan says which makes him stutter a bit before saying “I can just go for a walk right?”.

“Ku-u-u-su” I moan to myself saying it with 4 syllables like I was trying to explain the concept of “Kuso” to someone from a different country (Kuso is basically just shit or crap).

“What about that interaction was quote-on-quote kuso?” Dantan asks.

I decide not to talk about it for now and then realize something.

“How are you awake?” I ask “Weren't you streaming for 24 hours yesterday? or at least being awake without almost collapsing every other second?”.

“Oh that's simple,” Daitan says “One of Anton’s friends, Tomori, taught me how to sleep 8 hours in 1 hour” like that wasn't the stupidest thing ever.

I just look at her for around 10 seconds, communicating that I am thinking “What the hell did you just say”.

“Going back,” Daitan says “Why are you he-”.

Anton bursts out of his door and shouts “Let's go karaoke”.

He looks at me and remembers that I have a driver's license and asks “Hey can you be the designated driver today?”.

I respond with “Sure I guess, I don’t even drink”.

You see, back in high school when I thought life was worth living, I tried to cope with illegally getting alcohol with a fake ID.

I had one sip of sake and threw up. I don’t know why it just tasted awful to me and that's why I don’t drink.

As soon as I said “I don’t even drink” Anton’s eyes became 10 times brighter somehow and celebrated “YES!”.

Atsuo comes out of her room soon after, asking “What were you celebrating about?”.

“We finally have a permanent designated driver!” Anton says to Atsuo seeing that blush on him again.

I decided not to say that it’s not gonna be exactly permanent but will last for the rest of my life.

“Ok, now I can ask Masao why are you her-” Daitan tries to say before being interrupted by Anton saying “Come on let's go I can’t wait to get drunk on 10 vodka bo-”.

Daitan kicks Anton in the balls who neals over in pain and Daitan says, vary agitated “Let me just talk you baka”. (You know what baka means).

“Maybe you should stop kicking Anton in the balls.” Atsuo says “You did the same exact thing when Anton sang <Livin' La Vida Loca’> 10 times in a row”.

Daitan was probably not listening because she asked the question “Why are you here Masao”.

I think for a little bit and stutter out “I have nowhere else to go, to be honest” which is, by definition a lie but felt correct enough to say.

Daitan eyes me a bit before going out of the door to Anton’s car.

We’re now inside his car, me driving and Jiro in the passenger seat on the left. Anton, Daitan, and Atsuo were in the passenger seat in that exact order from left to right.

I hear Anton muttering to himself about what song he should sing at the karaoke place.

I start the car, turn on the GPS, click on the favorite place called “Place to get drunk and maybe sing” and drive.

Jiro then starts to talk to me, saying “I should tell you what type of drinkers we all are before we go there”.

“Why should I know that?” I ask.

“So that you know it really isn't us” Jiro responds “Anyways first off me and Reina are what we call aggressive drunks basically hurling insults and punches at the bar”.

“Oh, so that's why you two were apologizing to each other that day” I comment.

“Yea you get it now,” Jiro says “Anyways next up Anton is what we called a loopy drunk basically it’s kinda like he’s on laughing gas the whole time he is drunk”.

He continues “And then Daitan is a sloppy drunk which is basically a loopy drunk but it's also in a quote-on-quote lovey-dovey way.”.

I hear Anton, Daitan, and Atsuo all in a conversation in the back.

“You know I remember a month ago when we went for karaoke, Daitan was especially drunk so she started to-,” Jiro says before being cut off.

“If you finish that story you are dead, Jiro” Daitan threatens.

“That’s what you said when I was telling this story to Tomori,” Jiro recalls.

“When did you talk with Tomori?” Anton questions.

“It’s called a phone, you heard of it?” Jiro jokes.

“Anyways” Jiro continues “So Daitan was drunk and then out of nowhere she just starts to make out with Anton”.

“AND IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING” Daitan yells “I was just very drunk”.

“Eh, I’m just glad it wasn't me,” Jiro says “I only use these” he points at his mouth ”for the love of my life. Garlic bread”

“I literally saw you eat breakfast this morning” I say to him for some reason chuckling while saying it like I’m having fun right now.

That's when I realize, I am having fun, I’m having fun with the same people who I just met like 4 days ago.

Jiro chuckles a little bit and says “Yea that is true”.

Then Jiro remembers something and says “Oh yea and finally and most boring Atsuo is a conversational drunk, basically just gets a plus 5 in their social stat, kinda boring”.

I wait for Atsuo to say something, but I hear nothing.

I start to have a conversation with everyone else and I am genuinely feeling happy for once.

I make the final turn and park the best I can but I have to reposition myself once.

We all get out and then, out of some twist of fate, the same road that the incident happened is right there in our vision.

I then remember the reason I tried to commit suicide, it was never about me just feeling sad, even the most empathetic people would no longer feel sad after 10 years.

No, it was something else.