Broken from young age

Today I feel something is wrong and I am worried.

I don't mind for being self destructive.

I deserve it.

If being self destructive brings me closer to death I don't mind

this means I can put an end to my existence which

has no meaning.

It scares me the fact that I suddenly lose my interest in things I love.

Explain to me

why do I feel alive in dreams rather than in my waking life?

That's ok if I die young.

It may sound selfish but I wish to be reincarnated in a life I choose,with the people I choose.

I said to myself "I am going to take after the people I choose even if they are in my fantasy"

Those people make me feel alive and if death is the only way to be with them,then I am not afraid to die.