Thanatos Lies

By the time I realized it, it wasn’t too late. But redoing my actions might have changed the consequences a bit.

For as long as I could remember, the concept of God had seemed like a distant, unreal notion. ‘God’ had always been just a word to me representing something imaginary, something far-fetched－until she arrived.

I had no purpose in my life until I met her. Her mere presence was enough for me to keep moving forward. The day Akase Aumi asked me for my LINE account I felt, if only for that moment, that God truly exists. After a week or so we started dating. As we grew closer the feeling that God exists also grew stronger. I didn’t know why. My days were going smoothly, perhaps a bit too smoothly.

One evening, as I was browsing the internet, a piece of news flashed across my screen, sending shockwaves through my entire body, piercing my heart, and leaving my mind in a state of profound turmoil.

Akase Aumi, a third-year student at Yokohama North High, tragically took her own life after suffering from sexual harassment.

That news left me so stunned that I couldn’t find words to express my feelings. I couldn’t even shed a tear.

As days passed, my heart became more empty.

People often are categorized into two groups: Eros, driven by the desire for life, and Thanatos, ruled by the yearning for death. Unbeknownst to me, Thanatos had gripped my soul.

Following Aumi's passing, I made several attempts to end my own life. But each time I was stopped by something I didn’t recognize.

One day, as I stood on the rooftop of my school, preparing to jump, I felt Aumi's voice resonating deep within my heart, saying, "No, Ruu. Thanatos lied to you," and in that moment, I found myself unable to take the leap.

I returned to my class. As the teachers and the other students had always seen me as a nuisance, they didn’t bother asking me questions. I settled at my desk resting my head upon it.

Unexpectedly a girl in the class turned to me and asked, “You are Ruu-kun, aren’t you? Why do you always seem so lifeless? Try to be more lively sometimes.”

I slowly lifted my head from the desk, my eyes meeting hers. I found myself at a loss of words. Words escaped me in her presence. Her blue eyes were like sparkling jewel that could pierce through the darkest of the nights and her hair that flowed like silk in the wind had the color of the purest midnight. Her beauty was not just skin deep; it radiated from within. And for the first time in a long while, I felt the stirrings of something within me.

But I pretended to ignore her presence, picked up my bag and headed to my home as if nothing had changed. But after walking a few steps, she reached out and grabbed my hand from behind and said, “Wait. Where do you think you are going? The school hasn’t finished yet.”

With a low voice, I mumbled , “Let go of me...”

“What did you say? I can’t hear you.”

Frustration welled up inside me and a rush of mixed emotions surged through me. I pulled my hand away from her grip, my voice growing louder with each word, “Let go of me, I said!”

She seemed to be a little frightened. I sighed and continued walking away.

I stopped attending school for several days after that. In my dreams, I heard the voice of Thanatos, the same voice that had promised me an escape from the pain of living.

"Do you not wish to reunite with your beloved Aumi? Then, come to me, and I shall grant your deepest desire."

My desire to die grew stronger with each passing day. Finally, on August 15th, I made the decision to meet Aumi, to join her on the other side. It was a Sunday, and as I encountered Aumi at school for the first time, I thought it would be a good idea to reunite with her from there.

I ascended to the rooftop of my school, the place where everything would finally come to an end. Standing on the very edge, I gazed out over the cityscape below.

Aumi, I am coming to you in a moment.

As I leaped, someone reached out and caught my hand, and to my surprise, it was her, the very person I had raised my voiced to earlier.

“What are you doing? Let go of my hand.”

“What are YOU doing?! I won’t let go of your hand this time!”

“Let go… I just wanna die…”

“No, there is no way I am gonna just let you die.”

“ JUST LET GO OF ME! Don’t act like you know everything about me.”

“I may not know much about you, but deep down, I do know you desire to live.”

“Live? Don’t make me laugh. I have had enough of this aimless existence. I must meet Aumi. Don’t you understand? The God of death promised me.”

Aumi?… God of death… Now I see…

“No, Ruu-kun, there is no God of death. Even if he told you so, he lied. There is nothing to gain in death,” she whispered, her voice earnest and filled with concern.

As I looked at her my eyes clouded with despair, but she held onto my hand firmly, refusing to let go. Her words felt like a small light in the darkness of my heart.

“Why do you care so much?” I asked, my voice shaking.

She hesitated for a moment and responded, “ Because, Ruu-kun, even you think you want to be with Aumi-chan, she wouldn’t want this for you. If you were to die, it would only bring her sadness. She would only want you to live and find happiness.”

Tears welled, the first in ages, I started to doubt the God of death. Her words felt like a rope pulling me from the edge of despair.

“But everything seems so empty without her.”

"I understand," she said softly. "Losing someone you love is painful, but ending your own life won't do any good. It won't fill the void. Instead, it'll only leave more pain behind for those who care about you."

I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears that was about to overflow. “But who cares about a loser like me?”

Her expression softened, and she spoke with unwavering determination. "Even if no one else does, I care. I will always be by your side, Ruu-kun."

That moment I realized she was the one… she was my goddess of life… my desire to live.

The desire to die seemed to loosen its grip on my heart.

Even if I don’t find any meaning now, I might live on. Then perhaps, just perhaps I might find a purpose in this life.

With a newfound resolve, I turned to her, my eyes filled with gratitude and tears.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

She offered a reassuring smile and squeezed my hand even tighter, as if to reassure me that I wasn't alone in this dark journey.

But just as I was beginning to see a glimmer of hope, fate had a cruel twist in store.

As she tried to pull me up, her grip on my hand tightened. We were nearly safe, but then my foot slipped on the edge of the rooftop, and I started to fall backward.

"Look out!" she yelled, her voice full of worry.

I felt as though I were on the verge of falling off the rooftop, but she held on even tighter and reached for support with her other hand. With the incredible amount of strength, she managed to pull me back from the abyss.

We both fell on the rooftop, gasping for breath. In our tearful exchange of glances, words became unnecessary. Tears streamed down my face as I had been given a second chance, a chance to find meaning in this aimless world, a chance to live once more.

And I owed it all to the girl who had become my goddess of life.

O MY BELOVED EROS! MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL ENDURE ALL ETERNITY.