Chapter 1:

Thanatos - Die for you

Dying to Live (Thanatos)

I left the house carrying the tape recording she left me. I put on my earbuds and pressed play.

This is proof of the promise we made. If I can convince you that I understand your pain, you will not die.

There was a presence that lingered behind me—Death, who announced herself at my home a week ago.

She was the manifestation of my desire to die. A desire that I had ever since her death.

You said dying can make the world a better place.

The recording continued to play in the background. I kept my hands tightly around the device in my jacket.

You said your absence meant one less burden for me to carry.

I wish I never said that. I wish I wasn’t so stupid.

One less dinner you need to cook, a pair of clothes less to wash, a mouth less to feed.

You would’ve been alive still if not for me.

“Are you going to just leave like that?”

Asked Death.

“…”

“Won’t you at least say goodbye to your family or possessions?”

I stopped and turned around. I gave our apartment one last glance.

Buying the apartment, and starting a family, made me realize that nothing in life could make me truly happy. There was a hole inside me that nothing could fill—not even love. I fell into a deep depression.

In just a few short weeks since she and I moved into our love nest, she jumped. I’ve been living alone ever since then.

I’ve always thought of it as a curse.

“Do you really not have any family?”

“…Shut up.”

“I can see where your desire to die stems from now.”

I clenched my teeth and suppressed the tears wanting to come out.

We walked on for some time. A car passed by, a gust blew. The only one who can see Death is the one fated to die. The only people she could talk to were those on their way to death.

As the thought crossed my mind, I heard an odd sound of something swooshing and slicing. Death was casually juggling her scythe again. Seeing how nonchalant she was, it brought a question to mind.

“You said you’ve taken many lives. Do you ever regret?”

You said your death would become a reminder to those who are alive just how precious it is.

“They wanted death, I wanted life. It’s a fair exchange.”

Death told me a story that she was on a journey back to life.

She needed to bring a specified number of souls to a peaceful death to fulfil the conditions to be reborn anew in this world. Apparently, I was the 666th, the last person she needed to die.

“Those that want death should give their life to those who want life.”

My feet carried me to the place we promised to meet. It was the beginning of the end between us.

When I smother you, and cuddle you, just to keep the blues away.

When I bring you out into the daylight, just to clear away the clouds of depression looming by your head.

I took the stairs down the terraced land, the distinctly oriental-style district accompanied my descent.

Did you know how lonely I was…? How painful it felt when you pushed me away?

It was a location not too far from home.

You said I didn’t understand.

If I did I wouldn’t say all this.

If it were that simple—you said you would’ve returned my love.

I’m sorry, you deserve better—you said I deserved better.

Our love wouldn’t last—you said our love wouldn’t last.

A cliff famously known in the news, many couples have come to die here.

My desire to live, and your desire to die—they were always at odds.

She became a victim because of me; I came here to complete what she started.

—The ridge of life and death.

A peak that overlooks the glorious mountains, the beautiful sun setting in the far distance. To stop time and burn this scene forever in my mind with you, all I needed to do was jump.

My desire to live, and your desire to die—they were always at odds.

Your feelings encroached upon me, and I spiralled out of control.

Separating me and my death was but a broken paling.

It dawned upon me that this wish to die came from an unattainable desire.

Just like now.

I wished you never died… I wish I never treated you that way.

I would do anything just to see you alive again.

You,

And your love.

Your joy, your smile.

The perseverance of your life.

“You said that if I don’t die, you’ll lose your streak, and be forever trapped in hell, correct?”