I seek the light

When you find this, know that I am free.

When I was younger, people said that everyone is born with a destiny, a path that they will take and find happiness. For so many years I wondered what my path would be. I wanted to be an actor, a singer, a teacher, a writer. Truth be told, I just wanted to be happy.

No one ever said that happiness isn’t free. That this world owes you one thing, and that’s death, nothing more, nothing less.

As I’m writing this down, wondering if anyone will even see it, I feel nothing. Tears well up and spill down onto my pillow and yet, it’s what I’ve come to expect.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that I never wanted to be an actor, or a singer or a writer… I wanted to live with my family forever, grow old with them and be happy. But eventually they die, and I’ll be left alone in this world.

What’s the point of living? I find myself asking. Was there even a moment in my life that I felt truly happy? I don’t think there is…

And now, I really don’t have anything. I’ve never loved anyone. I’ve felt flutters and longed for others before but, I was either too weak to tell them how I felt, or I was too slow, and they devoted themselves to another.

They say money makes the world go round, but if you have it but do not need it, it’s just numbers and paper in your hands, not worth the ink it’s writ in.

I was stupid when I was young, dreamed of how my life would be instead of living it. I left my studies to fate, and now all I am good for is crappy jobs that pay badly. In the end those companies would watch me shoot myself in the head and only worry about hiring someone new.

In the end I am nothing. I sit alone playing games, watching videos and wondering what life would have been like if things were different. Would I have worked harder? Got a good job, been able to support the people I cared for? Would I have found the right one for me? Settled down and felt her warmth fill my life with meaning?

I often think of her. She’s caring and bright. She gets angry for other people’s sake, and cries when she sees others in pain. When I feel down, she’s there to pick me up, hold me close and give me the strength to keep walking. When I feel broken she tells me that she loves me, and I can begin to heal.

I don’t deserve her. I guess that’s why we’ll never meet. She’ll find another someone and be their everything.

They say that to think like I do, is to follow the god of death. And to fight against that is to be on the side of the god of life.

I always thought that was stupid. To me the world is light and dark. I read a story once that told me that when the world was born, it was at the clash of these powers. Darkness lost and was weakened, but when humans and creatures were formed, it crept into their hearts and told them to do horrible things. And each time a person infected by this darkness did these horrible things, it grew stronger, until it consumed its host.

I wonder if that darkness is in me…

If it’s telling me to do this because it needs a new host. And when I give in, only then will I see it, laughing as I fall to the concrete below.

Or maybe, this is all stupid. Yeah…

There are no voices in my head telling me what to do. And if that darkness truly was real, then it wasn’t me that was its host, it was the world itself.

If that’s the case, maybe there is hope after all.

I will do this. I will give it another try in the next world. I will try to find the meaning of me, and if it fails… at least I will have peace.

To anyone reading this, the world you live in is harsh and cold. You will walk through ice and snow, and when you manage to make a fire, the wind will blow it away. It is up to you to make your life meaningful. I failed, but you can survive this emptiness.

I love my family, and for what it’s worth I’m sorry. But I am going ahead, and when we meet again I hope you will love me again.

So, once more into the darkness… I seek the light.