I will be with you after your dream has been fulfilled

“Phoebe, it is clear to me that you have potential, however, your story is lacking. The character interactions are good and you sure have a unique way of invoking feelings in the reader. However… You can do more than this.”

I felt a shiver run up my spine as the editor laid down his critiques of my story draft. My throat tightened and I held back tears, if I cried right now, I would just be even more of a failure than I was before. Editor Bodhi then laid my sentence:

“I still can’t show your draft to my superiors, however, I’m sure that with just a few more adjustments, your story will be one the best our company has ever worked with. Don’t give up yet, Phoebe.”

He handed me my draft and dismissed me, just like that. Again, my story wasn’t good enough, again, he tells me I have potential but never approves my drafts. Again, I walk home from the station, alone and defeated. I can’t do this anymore, nothing I write will ever be good enough at this point.

Why should I keep this up? Why do I keep writing this novel?

As soon as I stepped inside my apartment, I threw my draft in the trash. I couldn’t keep myself from crying this time.

I’m so exhausted, I tried everything I could, I dedicated all my strength to this. My whole life was spent studying and thinking about this stupid story. The editor was trying to be kind, but I’m sure he just didn’t want to tell the truth to my face: My draft isn’t wanted there. I’m not wanted there. Nobody would ever want me or my ideas around.

I stopped at this realization; nobody wants me around.

Before I knew it, I was at the top of the stairs of the apartment building, holding the door handle in my shaking and sweating palm. I hesitated; Is this really the way?

Yes.

Behind the door I saw a silhouette. A man, beyond the rooftop fence, about to make a jump for it. I burst the door open and rushed towards him:

“Wait! Don’t do this! Please.”

He didn’t even turn to look at me, he kept staring forward into nothingness.

“Please, this isn’t it. Whatever you’re going through… It’s not worth it.”

The man turned towards me, even if he didn’t look directly at me, at that moment, I felt as if in a trance. He was the most beautiful person I ever met, his appearance even reminded me of the main character of my novel. I asked his name:

“What is your name?”

“Thanatos”

“Like… The God Thanatos?”

He didn’t respond, he was looking in my direction but not at me. He climbed the fence to stand beside me. I was relieved he didn’t want to go through with whatever he was planning.

“Do you live here?”

“Yes.”

His answer was short and dry, and upon closer look, I realized his eyes seemed empty and cold. I couldn’t help but stare, my heart pounding in my chest as if I was a teenager in love.

“Would you like to come to my apartment?”

“Sure.”

I only realized what I asked after he answered. I felt embarrassed but too nervous to take what I said back.

Slowly we made our way down the stairs and towards my apartment, I felt myself getting nervous again, suddenly remembering my draft, the rejection this afternoon. I felt like a failure again.

“You will be with me.”

Thanatos said behind me, I think he sensed my nervousness. His words gave me enough courage to open the door.

I guided him to my small living room, where we started talking. Thanatos didn’t really speak about himself, and I didn’t want to pry, so I just ended up speaking about myself and my novel. I felt really happy that he listened to my rambles, I never realized I was in such need for someone to talk to, even if his eyes never met my gaze, It seemed he understood my struggles.

After that, we kept in touch and I fell in love. Thinking about him brought relief to my otherwise lonely and stressful days, at least, it brought me relief when he didn’t go up to the rooftop, to try something against himself.

It was a cycle. The more I went up there to stop him from doing something against himself, the more frustrated I felt that he never seemed to look at me, but beyond, his gaze fixed at something that wasn’t there.

“I want you to be with me.”

Is what he would always say whenever I saved him from death. I didn’t understand what he meant, I was with him, I was always there for him. I tried so hard to see things from his perspective, to see what he saw, the beauty in this… thing he was so enthralled with that it made him want to jump again and again from the roof.

Today, he again messaged me his final goodbye. And, again, I rushed to the roof, feeling exhausted and defeated. It seemed that no matter how much I tried to understand and be there for him, it was never enough.

Just like with my novel.

“Please, step away from the fence.”

“I can’t.”

Why was I here again? Why do I always come up here knowing he probably won’t do anything? Why do I push myself so hard for someone who doesn’t even look me in the eyes? Who prefers to worship death than to see me for me?

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I cried, suddenly all the feelings of disappointment and failure I felt the night I met Thanatos, came back.

“I want to die too.”

“Then come and be with me.”

It clicked. I finally understood. He wanted me to die with him. To be with him is to jump with him beyond the fence. To relieve ourselves from the pain of this reality.

“Is this really the way?”

I asked.

“Yes.”

For the first time, he looked at me and smiled. I was again reminded of how much he looked like the main character from my novel… My novel… Why did I start writing my novel?

I hadn’t even realized I was standing on the edge of the roof. Thanatos’ cold hand holding mine.

If I jump now, will I never see the end of my novel? Will I never see it published?

I started writing my novel because ever since I was a child, I dreamed of mystical places and characters beyond my reach. I wanted to create stories that inspired others, that made people as happy to read as it made me happy to write.

I pushed through, because it was my dream.

“I can’t be with you.”

If I jumped now, I would never be able to inspire people like I wanted to. If I stayed with Thanatos, I would abandon all I care about just to escape reality. To escape my suffering, my thoughts, the impression I’m not wanted and not good enough.

I let go of Thanatos’ hand.

He looked at me again, his empty and cold gaze made my heart skip a beat.

“I can’t be with you, because… If I do, I will never see the conclusion to my dream.”

“You want to stay, even if it’s painful to chase such a dream?”

“Yes… If I jump now, I will never make a story that is enough.”

“I see.”

In the blink of an eye, I was behind the rooftop fence facing Thanatos’ back. It was as if he warped me there.

“Then, I will come for you once your dream has been fulfilled.”

With that, he jumped.

I ran up to the fence and tried looking down, but there wasn’t a body. It was as if he was never there to begin with.

I went back to my apartment. I never realized how messy it had become with trash and clothes piled everywhere. Looking down, I saw the trash can I threw my novel draft in.

I reached out and grabbed it, why would I throw away something that meant so much to me? Why would I think it wasn’t enough? I was a fool.

Editor Bodhi was right, I shouldn’t give up. I will see this to the end, just like I told Thanatos’. I will meet him again when my dream is fulfilled.