INSANITY

Time: 8:04 a.m.
Location: Bathroom.
Cause: Razors (again).

With towels in hand, I grabbed the hydrogen peroxide. The porcelain white walls were once again bathed in a crimson red. A color that I had grown to utterly hate. I began to clean up. Upon reaching the tub, I saw her wrist, still oozing her essence. I placed a warm towel over her lifeless body. Even though it was pointless to clean, I still wanted to keep her dignity.

I began to fiddle with my watch. Ten minutes was all I needed. The time and date were set. Then I hit the button that said…

Reset.

Time: 7:54 a.m.
She finally answered the door.

"Huh? Why are you–"

I smiled, “Well, I figured you might be feeling lonely. Come on, let's go watch some movies!”

The bright gleam in her eyes faded away. She then smiled and nodded.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be for long.

After all, this wasn’t what she wanted.

Ultimately, she would rather be with death than me. When there’s a gleam in her eyes, she is preparing for her demise. As she believed, this would make her free.

What a fool.

Death is a trap you can never escape. It’s just an everlasting darkness. What a child, so naive! But, at least she had me. With reset after reset, I made sure she'd never leave.

_____
It all started on a typical, uneventful day. The warm sunset glow began to fade into the cool twilight sky. Looking up, I saw the most beautiful star, gracefully falling from the sky. It was an evanescent sight.

Shortly, it shattered. As I got closer, the fallen star was none other than my older sister. The one who took care of me, the one I admired and wanted to be. The one who was always cheery, bright, and never gave up a fight.

I placed my hands on her blood-soaked cheek. Screaming, crying, for someone to undo this nightmarish scene. Suddenly, my watch vibrated. It prompted me to enter a time and date. Even though I knew nothing would change, I set the time to ten minutes prior. Then a new button emerged, taunting me.

Reset?

In a flash, everything changed. Looking away from my watch, I saw that the body was gone. That the pavement was no longer painted in her blood.

Could it be…

Without a moment to spare, I rushed to the rooftop. There I saw her, standing by the edge, barefooted. I called for her, hoping she would hear my pleas. She turned her head and smiled at me. It was my first time seeing her eyes gleam and fade. Afterward, we shared a long embrace.

However, this wasn’t the end. Since my sister longed for death. But with every attempt she made, I simply reset the game.

Overdoses–reset.
Ropes–reset.
Jumps–reset.
Slices–reset.
Etc.

After seeing her dead body over and over again, it wasn’t long until I became unfazed. It was just our little routine. She attempted, and I came by to record, clean up, and reset.

Again.
And again.
And again.

It was tiring.

Keeping my sister alive had become my only reason for living. Eating, grooming, friendships, careers, none of those distractions mattered to me. My body, mind, and soul had been consumed by my desire to conquer death.

Yet despite everything, I had one saving grace. My lover. No matter the timeline, he was always there supporting me. Even when I expressed the things I had seen. Of course, he thought I was only talking about my dreams. Perhaps, if she had someone like him then maybe…

Opening the door, I saw her on the floor once more. It brought pain to my heart, but I knew what I had to do. With tears in my eyes, I reset.

It’s amazing what one change could do. As her attempts started to reduce. Perhaps it was because she found her happiness, or maybe it was because he was always there to stop it. Still, it stings. To not have him by my side, to realize my sister is fine without me in her life. I shook my head. There's no need to think such selfish thoughts. It only matters whether she is still breathing or not.

Looking at my lover now, he has aged heavily. His eyes were red and weary, his face was thin and worn. I yearned to reach out and tell him what I knew. But I didn't. That was a burden that I carried alone.

____
A notification appeared that contained a previous note I made. It stated an attempt would occur in the storage shed, around four. Once I arrived, I didn’t find her inside. I gleefully shouted to the heavens.

“Look, she is no longer hearing your calls. Stop the invites, she’s staying with me in the world of light. See that death, I’ve won!”

But death never loses.

Looking up, I saw not one but two falling stars crashing down. Engulfing the ground in an endless sea of blood.

I sighed.

I walked over, prepared to follow our routine. Yet, this time I was taken aback. It was too much. Seeing my lover succumb to an eternal rest. Seeing the two hand in hand. Worse yet, was when I saw her face. She had the brightest smile I had ever seen. Her eyes weren't just gleaming but sparkling.

Ah, death’s mocking me. Well, I'm not going to be made a fool!

Reset!
Huh?

Reset?
Did I misclick?

Reset!
I’m tired of seeing her stupid smiling face!

Reset.
Let me take their place.

Reset?
No, please!

Reset…
I threw my watch to the ground, it had no use for me now. I was naive to believe that I alone could beat death. Now there was no one left.

As time passed, I set myself on a better path. Therapy, medication, grooming, hobbies, friends, I did whatever I could. I received numerous applause and praise. "Wow, despite her past, she’s doing great." Yet, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. All I could do was just smile and nod.

I found myself standing on the same edge. The cool concrete floor felt comforting underneath my warm toes. My hand shook. My body trembled. A gentle breeze came by. It’s funny, I’m remembering something I’ve heard long ago.

“ It’s said there are two types of people:
   those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
   and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos.“

I am sorry Eros. I'd tried to stay in the light.
With arms spread wide, I leaped into the night.

As I began to fall, I started to wonder what my sister was feeling. Did she feel scared, hurt, empty, or free? Did she regret her choice, or was she at peace? Memories after memories started to flood my mind. I could see my salty tears falling to the sky.

This wasn't what I wanted.

I am sorry sis. But I no longer want to follow. I’m scared, I don’t want to leave. I want to see tomorrow! Heh. Well, there’s nothing I can do now. I closed my eyes.

You’ve won Thanatos, consume me.

_____
When I opened my eyes, I saw the bright blue sky. My sister and lover appeared by my side. Looking around, it seems like we are at a park.

"Hey, you're finally awake," he said.

She laughed, "Shhh let her rest. She looks tired."

Huh? Didn’t I die? Was this real or just a lie?

"Well, I better get going," she said.

As she walked by, I saw the twinkle in her eye. Suddenly, a familiar vibration rings. Looking down at my wrist, I saw my old watch, along with a new notification.

Time: 4:04 p.m.
Location: Railroad tracks.
Cause: Train.

Right now, it was 3:54 p.m.

In this game of life, death always wins. It's foolish to think otherwise. To believe one could change this fundamental rule is insane. I know, I have to accept my sister's fate and continue living for my own sake.

Instead of shouting, I simply waved. Saying that we’ll surely meet again.

With tears in her eyes, she turned and waved goodbye. Realizing I accepted our fates, she gave me one last embrace.

___
Sometime after the sounds of sirens rang…
I began to fiddle with my watch.

The sirens roared and screeched…
Ten minutes was all I needed.

The sirens' piercing sounds reached their peak…
The time and date were set.

A familiar button appears before me. I’m sorry sis. I know what I said, but I just can’t let go yet. I can’t simply cast away your call. But don’t worry, I’ll do things differently. You’ll see. Well death, it seems our game isn’t over yet. But that’s okay with me. We can continue this song and dance for all of eternity.

Then I hit the button that said…