A Rejection from Thanatos

𝐵𝑢𝑡 𝐻𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑘𝑜 𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑦 𝐺𝑜𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝐷𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ! 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑗𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝑚𝑒? 𝑊ℎ𝑦 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝐼 𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑣𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑑? 𝐻𝑜𝑤 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝐼 𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑣𝑖𝑣𝑒𝑑? 𝑂𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑑 𝑤𝑒 𝑏𝑜𝑡ℎ 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑗𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑑? 𝑊𝑒 𝑗𝑢𝑚𝑝𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒. 𝑆𝑜 𝑤ℎ𝑦… 𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑎𝑚 𝐼 𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑙𝑙 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒, 𝑎𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑒?

As my thoughts spiraled into chaos, the ECG monitor’s beeping hastened, growing louder and more frantic. A fierce desire to rise overcame me. Desperation coursed through my veins. I yearned to reach her, no matter the obstacles. But I was imprisoned by my own immobility, and my voice was as silent as the night itself. I wanted to scream out her name, to call for her. But I couldn’t.

The medical team rushed in. Swiftly, they administered sedatives, and the world dissolved into an inky abyss.

In the realm of dreams, she appeared once more. Bathed in the ghostly light of the moon, she reached out to me, her figure ethereal, her presence otherworldly. Hand in hand, we ran through the night. But just as I dared to believe that I could hold on to her, she vanished like a wisp of smoke, leaving me alone in the depths of an infinite darkness.

As I awoke, it was not the silvery moonlight that caressed my face but the harsh golden sunlight. Reality began to reassert itself, and I found myself wrestling with the memories of my dreams.

𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑚𝑦 𝐺𝑜𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝐷𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟?

“Goodbye.”

The word hung heavy in the air, a finality that threatened to engulf me in despair. It was a single word, etched in digital ink, sent from her LINE account. A word that seemed to declare an end, a farewell, a parting of ways.

𝐼 𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑠𝑜𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑦 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦. 𝐼’𝑚 𝑔𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜 𝑓𝑜𝑙𝑙𝑜𝑤 ℎ𝑒𝑟! 𝑇ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒’𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒.

With every fiber of my being, I yearned to follow her into the night, to share in the eternal embrace of oblivion. I examined my body, only to find that it was numb from the neck down.

𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑖𝑠𝑡 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑠 𝑎 𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑝𝑙𝑒? 𝑊ℎ𝑦 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑎 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟?

Yet, in the depths of my despair, I discovered that I could still feel my mouth, my teeth, my tongue, and I knew precisely what I needed to do. There was no turning back now; I had crossed the threshold of no return. A single, deliberate bite would reunite us.

But just as I teetered on the precipice of this fateful decision, a voice, almost forgotten, called out to me.

“Kota...”

A voice I hadn’t heard in some time. I turned my head without thinking, the pain in my neck throbbing. She sat right beside me, bathed in the sunlight, her gray eyes overflowing with tears. Her brown hair was slightly messy; she must have been sleeping beside me since morning.

𝑆𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟…

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you let me in on your pain? Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want to live?” she cried, her voice quivering with emotion.

𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑠𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑘, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑖𝑓 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑, 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝐼 𝑠𝑎𝑦 𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡?

“Did you really want to leave me without even saying goodbye?”

She had married a good husband four years ago, and her life had seemed to be getting better. I felt like a burden, so I began to distance myself from her, hoping she could live happily without constantly worrying about her younger brother.

“I… I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” she continued, her voice now filled with desperation. “I apologize for neglecting you, for not being there for you. So please… Please don’t leave me!”

The weight of her words, the depth of her pain, crashed over me like a tidal wave. I was at the crossroads of life and death, with two gods vying for my allegiance.

The God of Life always appears in the form most precious to the one seeing it. That is, it takes the form of what they can never bear to abandon.

My God of Death beckoned from the night sky, but my God of Life clung to me in the embrace of daylight.

“If you have to go, no matter what… Then take me with you,” she whispered, her voice barely audible.

𝐻𝑢ℎ? 𝐼𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠…? 𝐻𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝐼 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝐺𝑜𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝐷𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ?

At that moment, I finally understood how Hanako felt when I had asked her not to go, when I had asked her to look at me instead of the God of Death, and when I had ultimately decided to follow her.

𝐼’𝑚 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝐼 𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑠𝑒, 𝑠𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟. 𝐼 𝑤𝑜𝑛’𝑡 𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑚𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝐼’𝑚 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑔𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒.

I understood it all at that moment. I hadn’t lost Hanako because the God of Death was calling her; I had lost her because I couldn’t become her God of Life. The emotional turbulence I had experienced paled in comparison to my sister’s pain, and I vowed not to let her go through life ruled by Thanatos.

… 𝐺𝑜𝑜𝑑𝑏𝑦𝑒, 𝐻𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑘𝑜.