Toward The Light

August 16th. The sun was shining in the sky, the air was still muggy and hot, but I could feel nothing but freezing.

“Did you know? He jumped off from building last night.”

Just one message from colleague.

I knew right away who he was.

He had been at work despite it being the Obon vacation season. And I had also been at work because of that.

Sometimes he suddenly packed his stuff and rushed out.

Last night was the third time I saw him getting off work so suddenly.

He and I have been working in this company for years. Though he did not look handsome, there was something contradictive about him; and I found it to be attractive.

I had once dropped files all over the floor, as I always did.

“Are you alright?”

He picked up and sorted the files for me.

“Be careful next time.”

He said with a gentle smile. What a kind and beautiful voice he had. But why did his eyes look so sad and depressed?

After that I started to notice him.

He was living all alone and seemed to be exploited at work, just like me. He and I shared a lot in common.

But recently he was different.

Sometimes I found him looking at his cellphone, he was texting like a boy in love. The sadness and depression in his eyes disappeared right away.

I had never seen him looking so happy before.

I was so glad that he could find someone he loved, but I also hated that it was not me. And I hated myself because of that ugly thought.

Maybe I was also contradictive.

I had once peeped at his cellphone, trying to find out who he was texting to, but there was no message. He was not texting to anyone.

I had also stalked him after work several times, but I had not seen him having any date or meeting any friend. He just went home alone.

Maybe he is not in love with anyone yet? Maybe I am overthinking?

August 15th. It was already beyond the office hour, but he and I were still working. Only two of us were in the office.

I revealed my feelings to him. I could not hold it any more.

“Hey, I have been looking at you for a long time… and I like you.”

He looked shocked.

“I am sorry, but I have already found someone I love...”

I was right! He has already been in love!

Then his eyes sank into sadness and depression.

“Besides, I am not such a nice guy that deserves your love...”

No! Don’t you say that! You have always been so nice and gentle!

“Ow…That is heartbreaking to hear. Would you mind telling me who you are in love with?”

It’s over. This is the end. At least let me know what kind of person I have lose to. Is it a man?

“Okay… I have been texting with her all the time. She is adorable.”

No way! I have checked his cellphone, there is no such a girl! Am I wrong?

Suddenly, his eyes were covered by fear after he had peeped on his cellphone.

“I have to go now…”

He started throwing his staff together.

“Wait! You haven’t told me who she is!”

I am so confused right now. Don’t leave me alone. Don’t treat me like this.

“Sorry… but I am in a hurry. Goodbye.”

He replied with his kind and beautiful voice, together with a gentle smile, again.

And that was the last chance I met him.

That was so contradictive. If he was in love, why would he jump to his death so suddenly? I knew he would not make anyone he cares sad. After all, he was such a nice and kind person.

And there I was, standing on railway platform, thinking about him all day long.

Maybe he was lying the whole time. Maybe he had never got a girlfriend.

He had always been willing to attempt suicide, but he also knew that I loved him. In order not to hurt me, he had to make me give up on himself before attempting suicide.

So, he started texting with a girl that did not exist. He pretended to have a girlfriend so that I would no longer love him.

The train was arriving at the station.

What a kind person he was. Though he had already broken my heart twice, but I still love him.

Light was getting brighter and brighter.

I should not let him suffer all the frustration by himself. I should have figure this out earlier. I should have been with him. But it was not too late.

In order to share his sadness and depression, I turned around and stepped into the bright light.