White Nights

"Sorry."

Just one word sent from his LINE account.
It could mean a lot of things.

I checked my perfectly painted pink nails one last time before sitting cross-legged at the table. All the takeout would go cold, especially the fried chicken that he liked so much. All that I had dressed up for him would go to waste, what a real waste! I looked so cute today!

I sighed heavily. It wasn't as if I had many expectations dating a guy like him, drowned in work even on holidays. This wasn't the first time he had stood me up.

It’s said there are two types of people:
those ruled by the desire for life—Eros
and those ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos

There must be a third type too, those ruled by work!

We met at a lively karaoke party after work. He was drunk and coincidentally we lived in the same building. It was suddenly my job to drag him home as he mumbled nonsense and gagged every two minutes scaring me to death. We wouldn't have started dating if he had thrown up on the way.

The next morning, he walked down to my floor and introduced himself. He apologized for how he'd been a bother and suggested treating me to a meal as compensation.

He picked me up in a taxi the next evening and the restaurant was nice too. He kept glancing at me awkwardly. I was almost as tall as him with the heels, and my face always looked smaller in a ponytail. It seemed as if I had dressed up enough for the both of us.

"You are very pretty." He complimented me.

"Thank you." A blush crept up his face as it was obvious how hard he tried not to make a fool of himself.

"Do you like the food?" He asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

"Yes. I'm not so used to fancy dining, but this is nice once in a while, isn't it?" I smiled at him, knowing well enough that a guy like him must already be swooned. He could only nod in excitement, while I chatted on about the movie I had watched and the lipstick that all my friends were buying. I had always been talkative, and when he had nothing to say to me, I could only take it as a sign to keep talking more.

Luckily, he must have liked it. He asked for my LINE account and offered to always listen to what I had to say. He would always find time for life if he chose it.

I hissed at the memory and opened a can of beer. The touch of the cold metal smudged my red lips as I decided to drink away my loneliness. He made a girl like me spend Christmas alone. I wasn't alone even during highschool, I've always been surrounded with life. But he became Nastenka on White Nights and I could only love him with a broken heart. What else can I do?

I quietly thought about all the good times we'd spent together.

The one time we had watched a romantic movie together. The heroine's dialogue made him cry. "Won't you die for me?" He said it confused him, because why would his loved one ask him for such a thing? Wouldn't they be so much happier to live together?

"Movies like these don't make much sense. They're all secretly obsessed with Thanatos and their believers, that's why they write scripts like this." I replied to him. "I won't ask you a question like that." I held his arm and kissed his cheek. My answer hadn't satisfied him.

I was always like that. His coworkers called me the cute girlfriend who always clung to him. And he enjoyed every bit of it, except there were so few moments to count.

I took another sip of the beer. Hah.

He had planned a big thing for my birthday, it was all very romantic. He didn't give me any details and called it all a surprise. He asked me to dress extra cute that day and I went all out. I was so happy, so of course, I did my best. Wore my best dress and curled my hair for an hour.

Then I waited for an hour. He did not show up.

I got mad and called him, and he picked up after the fourth try. "I'm so sorry." I couldn't hear the rest so I hung up. It was still fine, right? We were still new to dating, so of course, he prioritized work. It wasn't really his fault, he was just bad at saying no. That was all.

I giggled with the can in my hand.
I had gotten so good at making excuses for him.

I saw the clock tick twelve. "Merry Christmas to me!" I cheered.

Then, I slowly got up and started wrapping the food in plastic wrap. You can be upset all you want, but no wasting food, alright? I patted my cheeks for extra motivation and cleared up the table. I wore my comfy pajamas and started to take off my makeup. Someone won't be coming back to the super cute girlfriend tonight and it would be completely his fault.

I washed my face properly and brushed my hair for the next day.

Disappointments keep coming and going, but you don't stop being cute! You don't stop living.

"No need to come back."

I texted back on his LINE account and went to sleep. Whenever he sees it, is not worth troubling my beauty sleep anyway. I may have cried in my pillow but it's all part of life. You get punched in the face and then you get over it.

I didn't think about him for a long time after that night. I kept on living.

Until August 15th. Police surrounded the building, questioning tenants and closing down the area. Two people had jumped off the roof and killed themselves.

He was one of them, I could only recognize by the apartment number, because the police didn't let me see who it really was. And it was another girl, who had moved in after I'd broken up with him. They had been dating for a while, and the neighbors confessed that she had constantly tried to kill herself while the young man ran back from work to save her.

She was one of those believers of Thanatos apparently. She took him away with her.

The full story was even more strange. The same guy who had no time to live for himself rushed back and forth between work and his love life, because she didn't wait for him. She didn't dress up for him or cook for him. She didn't have to smile for him to love her more than his work.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Of course he chose death,
it all made sense now.