Everything Falls Apart

The tearing of silk seemed so much louder than it needed to be. Such a lovely dress and she had ruined it.

Just like she ruined everything.

She had watched as Ren’s eyes lost their luster, his smile faded, his expression lost and hurt. He opened his mouth, the first sounds weak.

But Sakura couldn’t hear them.

Because she ran.

She ran from his response. The one she was so afraid of hearing. The one she’d tried to escape from for years all while silently praying that he would chase her.

Find her.

Like he always did.

Like he promised.

She ran from him so that he couldn’t run from her first like he had done once before. He hadn’t wanted to, she knew that, she had forced him to because she could never make anything easy.

But this time it would be his choice.

This time he would never come back.

She had to get away from that possibility.

The demon didn’t need to think. Her legs would do it for her. Raz’s voice in the back of her mind would guide her.

Extend your stride.

Lift your knees higher.

You can run faster than that, girl.

But she couldn’t run when her body was crashing, turning over itself as it bounced and smacked into the hard ground. She kept her eyes shut tight as she rolled, her head whipping around, her arms and legs twisting. Momentum would only carry her so far before coming to a stop on her side, taking a moment before allowing herself to fall to her back. Her eyes opened, looking past the glow of the trees and flowers and into the night sky.

It wasn’t what she had meant to say.

But it was how she felt.

She may not have killed Raz.

But she sent death to him.

The years of sorrow and guilt and anger flooded her as her mouth opened to expel it into the space around her, a shrill cry that was a stranger to her own ears. Her body found its way to its knees and fists crashed into the ground, digging themselves further into the soil with each strike. Each sensation of impact, every breath she struggled to take, were a reminder that she was still of this world.

And she wasn’t alone in it.

She wasn’t being fair. She was being cruel. Again.

Only thinking of herself.

Ren didn’t deserve it.

He deserved to have a choice.

She owed that much to him.

When her hands stilled and breathing steadied, Sakura pushed herself to her feet, looking down at the damage to her dress. The silk was ripped and tattered and dirtied. A couple of the clasps at her neck and chest had ripped mostly off, only holding on by a few threads. The overpriced garment was nothing more than trash at this point. There was no redemption for it.

It now suited her perfectly.

Ren had said that he would never stop chasing her. But she knew that this time he wouldn’t. She would have to go to him.

So, she did.

Slowly, the woman made her way back, nerves gnawing at every little bit of her, dread suffocating her lungs.

She was a coward. Always running and screaming and fighting.

Just so she wouldn’t have to look at herself.

Always hurting others.

So that she could ignore her own pain.

Raz had always told them that everyone faces their sins sooner or later.

Now it was time for her to face hers.

Ren hadn’t left. He sat in the grass between the cherry trees, staring off into the rippling glow of the water. “You came back sooner than I thought you would.” He didn’t look at her and his voice was void of his normal cheerfulness. “I appreciate you not leaving me here all night.”

Sakura walked up behind him. Dropping to her knees, she leaned herself against his long back, her cheek resting between his shoulder blades as her fingers pulled nervously at the bottom of his shirt.

Whether she wanted to or not, she had to be honest.

“I could smell him.” The words came quietly, frightened. “His wings were hidden, but he smelled like rot. The way Raz did. I should have run back home but I was so mad at Raz. He told me to go back to my den, and I know he didn’t mean it, and I don’t blame him for saying it. I was so awful after you left.” She blinked the tears back, undeserving of their comfort. “I was always so mean and angry. I didn’t even want to be around me. I was miserable and cruel and I wanted everyone to suffer. I told that man where to find him and when I came back, Raz had been stabbed in the chest and the man was gone. I’m so sorry Ren. It’s my fault. If I had thought of someone other than myself, he’d still be alive.”

Ren’s hands came up, palms pressing against his eyes before drifting back through his hair. “So, that’s what you’ve been keeping from me this whole time? That’s the reason I’ve had to chase you down for three years. Because you didn’t want to tell me that?”

The woman flinched at the disgusted bite in his tone, her fingers quickening and working the fabric harder between them as the tears she’d fought to keep back began to spill. “I tried to tell you. Back when you were in The Guard and I found you, I tried, but then you were pushing me away and yelling and I didn’t know what to do. Then you left me, and I was so mad at you, and at myself. But I still wanted you to find me even though I was afraid you would. Because then I’d have to tell you about what I did.” Frantic sobs racked her body, and she choked on the words. “And you’d leave me again and never come back. You’d hate me.”

The man sat there, feeling the woman’s tears soak into his shirt and against his back, each one a testament to the sorrow and guilt she carried with her for all those years.

They were hers and hers alone.

She would have to bear them on her own.

When her breathing settled and her tears slowed, Ren spoke, “We both really fucked this up for ourselves, didn’t we?”

She buried herself further against his back. “I’m so sorry. I know I should have gone home like you and Raz told me to. I just couldn’t go back there.”

The angel sat, thinking, having to once again switch gears and adapt to the wrench that the woman had thrown into his well laid out plan. “The jobs I took weren’t the worst of them. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. I killed a devil, so everything I did leading up to that was all for not anyways. But I could have taken a job that would have reduced my time a bit faster. Even though Raz warned me not to, I tried to convince myself to do it anyways, but I couldn’t.” He put his head in his hands, rubbing his face, trying to come up with the best way to explain.

The silence was so hard for Sakura. “Ren?”

“Come here.”

“I can’t.” She felt so afraid, so ashamed. She had come back but the urge to hide hadn’t gone away.

“Come here,” he repeated, desperation peeking through.

The demon complied, crawling around as he pulled her onto his lap facing him, his arms wrapping around her while he buried his face into her hair at the side of her neck.

“I could kill them and take their heads, but I couldn’t torture them.” His voice was quiet and crept over the words carefully. “I couldn’t risk it. What if I couldn’t come back from it? But Raz was different. He could. The worst thing you can do to an angel is to strip them of their wings. That’s what Raz was good at. Plucking the feathers. Tearing the flesh. Breaking the bones. He did the same to others as had been done to him.”

Sakura couldn’t imagine Raz ever being capable of doing such a thing. The angel was morose, grumpy, and ill-tempered but he was still kindhearted and patient. He had taken Ren and herself in and raised them as his own, always giving them what they needed even when it took away from himself.

“Was that man…” She hesitated. “Did Raz do that to him?”

He shook his head, uncertain of the answer. “Maybe. When I got the letter from Torg, it was my first thought. That it was someone whose wings Raz had clipped. I can’t be sure, but it would make sense. I can imagine that someone who had their wings torn from them would be pretty upset about it. People have sought revenge for lesser transgressions.”

Revenge was something that the woman was very familiar with and had spent every day since then patiently seeking. She wanted the man’s life the way he had taken Raz’s.

But Raz had seemed to accept the loss.

“He told me to mind my own business,” she said quietly. “He was sitting there dying and saying that it had nothing to do with me.”

Ren pulled back from the demon, a small, sad smile on his lips. “That’s cause it didn’t have anything to do with you. If that man was able to kill Raz that easily, then it was because he allowed it. You know as well as I do that he wouldn’t go down without one hell of a fight unless he didn’t want to. Living without your wings is worse than death. Maybe he was ready for the break? Shitty timing, but I suppose there’s never a good time to die.”

“How do you know all this?”

“He told me a lot of things before I left.” Blue eyes began to brighten with amusement. “You would have learned what I did if you hadn’t spent the entire time trashing everything around you.”

The woman glanced away, not exactly proud of her past behavior. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I like that you get mad on my behalf. We both know it’s better that I don’t, so I appreciate you taking on that burden for me.”

Sakura nodded in silent agreement as an old fear bubbled in her chest. No matter how many years passed or how hard she tried to forget, it always came back. “My parents died, and then Raz,” she whispered, looking back at the angel. “What if the den was right about me?”

A laugh erupted from the man as he pushed his forehead against hers. “The foxes of the den are about as bright as the angels in the heavens. I don’t give a fuck what any of them say. None of that back then was your fault. Raz wasn’t your fault either. And I would never hate you, so don’t ever think that shit again.” He lifted his head from hers and pulled her against him. “Go ahead. I won’t tell anyone.”

It was the permission that she had so desperately needed, and she allowed the years of hurt and remorse and blame to spill willingly from her. For the first time, she mourned, crying and screaming and pounding her fists against the man’s chest until all of her energy was completely spent. Rising to her knees, she wrapped her arms around Ren’s neck and pulled him against her in the same way. “Go ahead,” Sakura repeated. “I won’t tell anyone.”

The angel held onto the demon as his body shook and silent tears dampened the tattered silk she wore. She brushed her fingers through his hair, accepting his pain the way he had accepted hers. Ren wasn’t like her. He was calm and considerate. He could control himself. He was all the things that Sakura wasn’t. It was why she felt so lost without him, and he without her.

When he looked up at her, she smiled gently and dried his face, brushing her fingers across his cheeks. The woman turned around and sat back down, while Ren draped his arms around her shoulders and rested his chin on top of her head. They watched the water, the trees glow beginning to dim with the threat of daylight approaching.

“What do you think would have happened if you didn’t get called to The Guard?” Sakura asked, playing with his fingers, watching the joints bend and straighten.

Ren stared blankly at the distance, watching his unfulfilled past and present taunt him once again. “I don’t think. I know. You would have spent years tormenting me, enjoying every moment of my suffering just like you do now. Sooner or later though, I’d succeed in luring you in, and we would have had too many kids. Too fast. Too soon. And Raz would have been pissed about each and every one of them.”

The fox nodded. He probably wasn’t wrong.

“It’s not too late though,” he offered. “We could go home. Take Ivy and Zero with us.” A finger poked her stomach. “Bypass the whole torturing me part and go straight to having too many babies. Too fast. Too soon. The way it was intended.”

It was tempting.

Oh so tempting.

“But we’re not going to,” Sakura declared, crushing the man’s dreams once again. “I said I was going to figure out what Ivy is, and I meant it.”

“She doesn’t even care!” Ren whined, gently shaking the woman.

“Well, I do. I’ve spent six years searching and I’m not going to give up now. And it wouldn’t hurt if we could find out more about Zero as well. Like you said, he’s an anomaly. Don’t you want to know why?”

The angel’s whining intensified. “Nooo! I don’t give a shit about any of that. I want to go home and practice making babies! It’s our fucking destiny!”

She rolled her eyes and flicked his forehead. “I guess you should have lowered your prices at the red-light district. Got it all out of your system.”

“You’re always so stubborn,” he huffed, knowing her mind was made up and he wouldn’t be getting what he wanted any time soon. “Always gotta do shit the hard way.”

Her hands pulled his arms tighter around her. “Maybe you should stop following me around then.”

Ren smiled at the woman’s simple show of affection and kissed the top of her head. “Never.”