Baby, Are You Ok?

Rie: "Although we have parted ways, I hope you'll be alright, Leo."

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Have you ever thought about ending a relationship with someone you deeply love? Making a joint decision and mutually agreeing to end the relationship peacefully? Amicably? Have you experienced it? Can you deceive your conflicting emotions and feelings? Hurt? Pain?

Can you display the right expressions when you have to meet your ex-lover, whom you still love deeply? Can you hide the emotions and the waves of longing in your heart when the remedy for longing is right in front of you?

It's very difficult, isn't it?

It might also create awkwardness.

This is what I'm feeling right now. I'm holding back my longing for him, hiding my emotions. I'm wearing my mask to cover that, as we promised when we decided to end our relationship.

...

The sound of motor vehicles can be heard, not too noisy though. People are passing by with their busy lives. I watch them from behind the café's glass wall.

Yes, I'm in a café, more precisely, I'm meeting someone in this café. A tall, well-built man whom I know very well. A man I love deeply, my ex-lover, Leo Ardhian.

My ex-lover remains silent. Since I came to see him, the only thing I've heard from him so far is a casual greeting. The two cups of coffee in front of us remain untouched. All I know is he's only playing with a small spoon to stir his coffee.

I don't like being in this silence for too long. It tortures me. I have to start it! Open what I've carefully planned.

"We've been like this for almost an hour, without a word, without any expression on our faces. It's only natural that it feels awkward, even though the love between you and me has ended. It should feel uncomfortable, even though our relationship..."

"..."

"We have to stop looking at each other, even if it's going to be difficult for you and me! You have to find my replacement soon! You have to find a woman who's better than me! A woman who can give you more love than I can..."

"..."

"Believe me, this won't take long. You'll find someone else and forget me. Everything will be better after that, of course, for your life..." 

He doesn't say a word to me, but I understand him better than anything. I know it's too difficult for him.

"..."

"I'm okay, Baby, are you okay? We've had enough! We've been over for a long time! Our story is in the past, it won't happen again! I know if I won't see you anymore, I'd be lying if I said I won't be sad..." 

My voice sounds soft. Truly, the pain still lingers. Parting from a loved one is painful!

"..."

"I'm okay, Baby, are you okay?" I ask again. 

It's hard to change my habit of not calling him 'baby' anymore. Haven't we truly ended? It's over... 

"..."

"It's true it will be difficult for you, and it's the same for me too. But it's a necessity. Maybe you'll hate me after this, and I'm okay with it. It's the price I have to accept. Just do it, and quickly forget me! I'll be okay." 

I know I won't be okay after this. It's a nightmare every night.

"..."

Again, he's always like this if he's forced to accept something that doesn't suit him. He really hasn't changed since I first met him. But what can we do? Everything should be like this... 

"I just wanted to say that. I'll go, don't try to hold my hand! Don't try to stop me! Please appreciate my courage to say this painful thing! Don't put on a sad face! You know for sure, my heart will hurt more too..."

"..."

"It should be like this. You and I are done! It's an old story that can't be repeated because it will still end the same way as before. Please, stop acting like this! At least, say something, even if it's just 'a'!"

"..."

I dared to look at my ex-lover's face. He bends his handsome face. I know he's deeply hurt, not much different from me. But this isn't right, even though I still have affection for him, even though I have deep love for him, he and I are done. I don't want to weave love with him again. Finding my own path is much better...

"You, will you be okay?" He asked hoarsely.

Ah, finally, he said a word. He's indeed a good man, even in times like this, he's still concerned about me. I want to shed tears. Really! No, I can't! If I do, I'll look like I'm not okay. 

"I'll be okay! So, will you be okay too?"

"Hm, if you'll be okay, then I think I will be too..." He smiled at me. 

I returned his smile. A fake smile with a heavy burden of pain behind it.

This is the best and should be like this. We loved each other, but we decided to part ways. Why? Isn't that foolish? At first, I thought of it as a folly in my love relationship with him. We parted only because no one around us supported our love relationship.

Cruel?

Love isn't blessed?

And in the end, giving up is the best way.

Don't blame that, it's too complicated to explain! Even just to write how long our struggle was for the sake of gaining recognition for our love, it's not as simple as that! It's very long and tiring. It would take many sheets of paper to write it.

I always blamed the circumstances that prevented me from being with him. I protested vaguely to anything that would accept my frustration. I vented on the furniture in my room, the pillow, I got angry at everything around me. Then what can I do? He's the same. We're helpless because of that.

Even after the relationship ended, it's still the same. It's not easy to forget a love that we've built for so long. For the greater good, this is the best way. Stop looking at each other and forget this love story!

I'm okay, Baby, are you okay?

I wish you always be okay...