Near-Life Experience

It has been precisely 537 days since my fiancé departed to defend his homeland in that senseless war.

Who would have thought that in this century, in this age, a country would mercilessly attack their neighbor for such petty reasons.

He promised he would come back. And then we’d get married. But he felt compelled to protect his family still residing there.

Why couldn’t he start new family with me? Why risk his life for some old people?! They would die soon anyway so who cares if a rocket comes falling onto their house?!! He should worry about our future in the first place! I wish they would die already so that he had no reason to fight anymore and come back!

…

I know.

I am a terrible human being for thinking like that.

But I just can’t help it.

I miss him so much.

This despair that I feel in my heart…

What am I supposed to do?

…

For the first couple of months, he would text me every day. He was still just learning how to operate weaponry, far from the front lines. Therefore he wasn’t in any danger.

But once he entered the battlefield, he wasn’t allowed to take the phone with him because the enemy would immediately pinpoint the location of the whole unit.

I didn’t know war was like this. I thought he would text me whenever he would get a chance to rest. And yet… I have no idea what’s going on with the one person I cherish the most.

I’m watching the news daily, hoping to glimpse him in the background.

How naïve I can be… I’m a stupid, foolish girl.

In my darkest hour, I even contemplated getting rid of this pointless engagement ring and forget about that loser. If he wants to die so much, I’ll let him! But I will continue living my life to the fullest with somebody else!

I even started dating other men at some point.

Although… when they invited me to their houses… I would start crying and run away.

It felt inherently wrong.

He’s the only one I truly love…

But let’s face it. After all this time… he’s probably…

…

Whenever depression hits me hard, I sit by the window in our … in my apartment. Fiddling with this ring on my finger, I let all the thoughts just flow and observe what’s happening in the world.

There’s this strange guy again on the roof across the street. That’s the third time I see him, talking… who is he talking to?

I don’t see anybody but him.

But his eyes are fixed on a singular point.

His face is pale. That expression you make when you witness something crushing… something dreadful.

He probably has a screw lose in his head.

Why is he jumping over the railing? Is he trying to commit suicide?

I think I’d be sad to see such a handsome young boy meet such a tragic fate.

Still… what can I do? It’s not like I am built to help somebody.

There he goes again, just like two times before. He’s grabbing the air with one hand… and he’s climbing back over the railing, hugging the… oxygen, or something.

But he appears content.

So who am I to judge?

…

Another week has passed. Is there any point in counting days anymore?

Ah. This excruciating pain in my chest. … And… it’s gone.

I stare out of the window… it’s pretty muggy and hot outside even after the sun had set…

There he goes again.

The boy jumps over the railing, looking desperate…

Is he arguing with somebody? But he’s alone on that roof just like always.

Could it have been someone he loved… and lost…?

Will I end up like that?

The situation has calmed down out there. And suddenly… his face looks so… relaxed.

It’s like he’s taking somebody’s hand…

Oh.

He jumped.

Heh.

When did I become so apathetic?

I just watched a person die.

And yet I feel nothing at all.

Perhaps… perhaps I could follow suit.

Yeah.

Why don’t I?

There’s nothing in this world that interests me.

I don’t have anybody.

Nobody will miss me.

Hm… How do people commit suicide? Do they just do it? Or do they prepare for it? What should I wear? Is it okay for me to go die with this messy hair and no make-up?

I am going to be all over the news, I guess…

Oh, look at that. Just when I think about death, I start caring about my appearance again.

That’s funny.

…

I decided to head on the roof.

August 15th - the day I lose my life.

Lose?

No, the word ‘lose’ is usually used when you don’t intend to not have it anymore, right? So… the correct term for my situation would be that I forfeit my life.

Yeah. That sounds much better.

It’s so hot outside…

I wonder what befell my fiancé?

Was he struck down by a hail of bullest?

Did a drone set off near his head?

Did he sacrifice his life in the last heroic act to halt the enemy advancing any further?

Or… did he maybe meet a childhood friend from his homeland and run away with her, forgetting all about me…?

I’ll never know.

I jump over the railing to face the abyss below me.

Oh, that’s right.

He often talked about those two guys. What were they called again? Eros and Granatos?

I’m so bad with names…

One rules over human’s desire to live… and the other over the desire to die.

Maybe that young man over there talked to his Granatos. And he found solace in his arms.

Where’s my Granatos, though?

“Do you mean Thanatos?”

A familiar male voice speaks to me from behind my back.

“Oh, yeah, that one.”

So it finally happened. I lost my sanity. So this is what it means to hallucinate.

“What are you doing over there?”

“I’m preparing to die, obviously. As a God of Death, you should know that.”

“I’m not a God of Death, silly.”

“Then who are you? You sound awfully lot like-“

I am cut off from finishing the sentence as the man embraces me from behind.

This smell… it’s so nostalgic. Is this how I die with my… uhm… angel? Perhaps?

Wait.

This is no hallucination. I actually feel a warm touch!

He’s…!

“I missed you so much, my love. I’m very sorry that I couldn’t contact you. I wanted to surprise you. But it seems like you are surprising me here, and not in a good way.”

I finally turn my head around and see him.

He’s here. He’s alive. He’s healthy. He’s… missing a part of his left ear, but… But…

My eyes get filled with tears I have been holding in for so long.

“Come here, love. Don’t you stand there, that’s dangerous. I want you to tell me everything,” he gently whispered in my ear.

Just what… What the hell was I about to do?

Did I really want to do that?

Thanatos… you almost got me.

But you probably didn’t expect my fiancé to be my personal Eros.