Hello. Are you real? Will you save me?

“You shouldn’t be having another sundae today,” Akie chimed from my side. The street was crowded enough that the two of us could share a private conversation, albeit one filled with needless advice. I looked over at her, lifted my spoon and plopped the last bit of sugary ice cream goodness in my mouth before I slipped away to drop the empty cup into a trash can.

“Like you don’t enjoy it too,” I said.

“Yuina…” She shook her head, disappointed. “Then, why didn’t you get me one? I was right next to you!”

“You’re not real. You can taste it through my memories.”

We turned a corner where there was a busy department storeーan affectionate couple stepped out, and Akie narrowly sidestepped them before apologizing. Neither of them so much as turned their heads in her direction.

The sun bled red in the sky and dyed its witnesses in its hue, and the light evening breeze lifted up wisps of Akie’s black long hair here and there. In comparison to my messy bob, I always made her look perfect. In that sense, we were opposites: I dressed plainly in white t-shirts and sweatpants, while today Akie wore a beautiful blue and yellow sundress with a gold-bead necklace hanging around her neck.

Once we were side by side again, she stuck her tongue out at me.

“Still, it’s the kindness of the gesture. Even if I said no, wouldn’t you feel better by offering?” She made a pop with her lips and added, “by the way, speaking of feeling better…”

No, I knew where this was going. I covered my face with my hands, though my exaggerated annoyance only made me bump into an irritated office worker myself. No words were needed when all he could do was glare at me to get me to scamper away. “No, nope, I said I could get my summer homework done on the weekend and I meant it.”

“But you’ll feel better if you don’t do it all at once! Remember last year?” She pouted. “You told me you weren’t going to do that again.”

I bit down on the dried skin of my lip, peeling it piece by piece with meticulous movement from my teeth and tongue. “Just because you tell me what to doーthat doesn’t mean I have to listen.”

She glanced over at the window of a high-end boutique. “I needed to say it. You haven’t showered in a couple days either, so why don’t we start there? And you can clean your room up tomorrow morning. Having a clean body and clean space means that…”

“Mom doesn’t need to worry.”

“But she does, and you know that. I want you to live well, so please…”

I brought a hand to my other wrist. The gentle thrum struck me with a distinct feeling of unease, as if my body revolted against my heartbeat. It may as well, with how many nights I lay awake disturbed by the never-ending thumps of my chest, my wrists, my fingertips and toes and legs. Once you become conscious of how each beat and breath meant you were one bit closer to the end, it became impossible to let even one slip by without crushing despair.

Akie was the angel of life meant to heal my mind’s blight, but the poison had taken root long before we met. “I never asked for you to be here.”

We walked up a staircase. The bridge over the busy street was the only way home. When we had barely made our way halfway up, though, she grabbed my hand as people shuffled around us to get past.

Her eyes glistened with tears. Those damnable, guilt laden tears. Mine, or hers?

“You know that isn’t true. You made meーto make you better. To make you live, afterー”

“If you’re really from my mind, then maybe you could stop ordering me around when I’m telling you to stop!” I snapped. I slapped her hand away and stumbled back, nearly slipping down the step I was on.

Her eyes widened and her body tensed, as if she was ready to catch me if I fell. “If youーif, if…you truly didn’t want me around, then I wouldn’t be here. You want to live. You want to be happy, I know you do!”

“If you wanted me to be happy, then you wouldn’t subject me to your stupid lecturing when I just wanted a friend!”

“You wanted a friend that would finally help you!”

“I didn’t ask for another mom, I needed someone that was actually there for me! That’d understand why you’re all I have!”

She grimaced, exposing her clenched teeth as she approached me and placed her hands on my shoulders.

“Then…”

“Why am I here, if you really want to just vanish?”

Her touch felt like the last smoldering flames of the sunset, igniting the sparks between us into a raging inferno. I screamed and wrapped my hands around her necklace, crossing it. I squeezed her throat tight and slammed her against the railing of the stairs as people screamed and ran away.

She kicked and failed, but it wasn’t real. She clawed at my hands wrapped tight around her necklace, but it wasn’t real. None of it hurt. Not at all. It didn’t hurt when a large man shoved me to the ground. It didn’t even hurt when another man kneeled next to Akie’s side to check on her body, motionless as she was sprawled on the stairs below.

None of it hurt.

None of it was real, on this border between her death and my life. Between my dreams and her reality. Whether she was here because of me, or I because of herーno one could discern that truth anymore.