One thing that's worth risking

About an hour ago, my brain was too tired and sleepy to even lift a finger. I plopped on the couch, ready to doze off, but now I am sitting here, mind-wide awake, as the movie credits roll and Nozomi is crying over a Ghibli movie that she claimed to have seen seven times already.

“It’s still as good as I remember,” Nozomi says, pulling a tissue from a tissue box on the low table and blowing her nose.

It is strange to say that I’ve never seen a woman blow her nose like that. She does it with zero manners, and it should be turning me off. However, I find it childish but quite adorable.

“What? "She asks as she turns to me, and it takes a moment for me to realize that I am smiling at her, like a creep.

"Nothing." I feign innocence and focus on the television.

“You probably think I’m weird for crying over an animated movie."

“You are crying over My Neighbor Totoro."

“But doesn’t that ending scene make you emotional? ”

I turn my head to her, her eyes a little puffy from crying. Her eyes seek approval, and I can’t help but tease her a bit.

“It doesn’t,” I say in a neutral tone.

“Boring.”

She takes another tissue and blows her nose again. She stands up to throw the tissues in the trash can while I start browsing for another movie. When she returns, she plops on the couch with a sigh.

“Have you ever cried over anything trivial? I cried over the color of my handkerchief once."

I lean back and reply, “I don’t think I have."

I have. Those were the times when my mother was there to console me and offer a big hug until my tears stopped.

Then, I feel a warm embrace envelop me. Nozomi’s arm circles my neck and cradles me like a child. It caught me off guard that all I can say is, “What? ”

“Whenever we are having a conversation, there are times when you go silent and seem to be in deep thought. It feels like you’ve gone somewhere, and I've been left behind, but..."

She gently tightens her embrace and rests her forehead on my shoulder. “Somehow, I caught you this time. Your mind can’t wander off somewhere now."

Her voice lowers to a whisper and says, “It’s sad to be left alone, you know."

My heart contracted, as did my throat. For lack of a better word, I wrap my arms around her waist and motion to bury my face in her chest. Her warmth and softness are comforting and healing at the same time. It's baffling to me how she makes every unwanted memory of mine resurface and melt them away, as well as the pain attached to it.

We stay that way for a few seconds, which feel like hours. Her fingers brush through my hair, then she says, “I have to go home now."

I reluctantly let her go and stood up to turn off the television. As Nozomi stands and slides her bag on her shoulder, I grab my keys and pocket them.

“I’ll walk you to the station."

It isn’t a suggestion or an offer; it is a firm decision. Ever since the new semester started, we haven’t had as much time as we used to have to meet and go out. I go straight to my apartment from the university, then pick Nozomi up from her work at around 9 p.m. Usually we eat dinner together, then I walk her to the station. This is the first time in two weeks that she agreed to stay in my apartment because tomorrow is Saturday, and she is almost done packing all the orders that she received from her online shop. We will meet tomorrow, but today is different. I miss spending time with her, so I will prolong our remaining hours together as much as I can.

“Someone is missing me already,” Nozomi teases while putting on her shoes.

She teases like she doesn’t message me every day at exactly 7 a.m., 12 noon, and 7 p.m., without fail. If I do the same, she’ll probably accuse me of being a stalker.

I ignore what she said and go to the entrance, where she waits for me with a smile. I am about to turn off the lights when she pulls out her phone from her bag, and her smile fades. Her expression fills up with concern.

“Is there a problem? ”

She doesn’t speak but shows me the screen of her phone. It’s a message from an unknown number.

Unknown: I want to see you. Please reply to me.

“It’s from the same number that was messaging and calling me during our vacation."

Nozomi looks scared, and I immediately take her free hand to calm her down with a gentle squeeze.

This person could be someone she knows, but how difficult is it to just introduce yourself if you want a reply from an acquaintance? This person stopped messaging and calling when we got home from our vacation. That is why we are more relaxed now, but suddenly this person is back asking for an impossible request. There is no way I am letting Nozomi meet up with this stranger.

“You can stay here for the night,” I offer.

“I still have a few remaining orders to pack and ship early tomorrow."

Nozomi’s business is very important to her, and she takes pride in giving her customers the best service that she can offer. She definitely won’t accept any alternatives, so I turn around and walk back in.

“Where are you going? ”

I turn back and reply, “I will get my bag, my laptop, and pack some clothes and essentials. I’m staying in your apartment."

As expected, she didn’t argue. We took the train back to her apartment without any accidents, but Nozomi received another message from the unknown number.

“Should I change my number? "Nozomi asks as she unlocks the door to her apartment.

“Or we can report it to the police."

As the door opens, Nozomi enters first and turns on the light. I follow and drop my large tote bag on the floor. I brought three days' worth of clothes, even though Nozomi said it was too much. I didn’t tell her that I was taking the opportunity to spend the weekend with her.

She quickly goes to the bathroom to change clothes while I put my bags in the corner of the room and set up her worktable. My eyes fall on the other corner of the room, where some boxes of different sizes are piled up and bundles of printed papers are on the floor beside the boxes. When I turn to the entryway, there is a fairly big black trash bag near the entrance that I somehow missed when I entered.

She hasn’t thrown it.

The trash bag is probably full of papers from the printed products that she cut out. The last time I saw her open her closet, it was also full of bags, shirts, tote bags, and mugs, all of which she was about to pack and ship. Her entire apartment is her storage area and her workplace at the same time. I can tell that she is doing her best to keep it tidy, but with so many piled-up items in here, it still looks a bit messy.

“I’ll make instant ramen. Let’s eat first before working,” Nozomi says cheerfully as she comes out of the bathroom, now wearing her pajamas.

Traces of fear from her unknown stalker seem to have vanished completely, although I have a feeling that she is just concealing it. Nobody changes clothes for more than 10 minutes.

After eating, we finally start packing the remaining items, but even after we are done, her room still looks cramped with boxes. She double-checked all the boxes and her list, and it was only after checking it three times that she plopped on the bed.

She grabs Shori the sheep, hugs it tightly, and doesn’t move for a moment.

“Are you still alive? "I ask as I crawl up the bed.

“I’m tired. I might as well be dead."

Her back is facing me, and her hair is sprawled on the bed. I reach out for a few strands of it and feel the softness of it between my thumb and pointing finger. Somehow, I can feel her exhaustion, not just from work but also from the bothersome unknown person who sent another message while we were packing some orders.

“Hey, how about we just stay here all day tomorrow after you ship your packages tomorrow?" I try to lower my voice as much as possible, so it won’t stimulate her or stress her any further.

“If we stay, I’ll probably end up sleeping all day,” she answers lazily, still not moving an inch from her position.

“I need sleep too. It’s not a bad idea."

“Okay then.”

She seems to be falling asleep any minute, so I decided to finally ask her the question that has been playing in my mind for hours.

“Nozomi, why don’t you move in with me? Let’s leave together."

As I expected, it shocks Nozomi that she swiftly sits up and looks at me with confusion.

“What did you say? I think I heard it, but maybe I was already asleep and dreaming."

“I said, why don’t you move in with me? This place is too small for you and your business. There’s also that stalker who has been messaging you. If you move in with me, you can use my extra room as storage or an office. I can also look after you better if we live together."

Her brows furrow, and she moves closer, places her hands on my shoulder, and starts shaking.

“Stop!”

She stops, but her hands remain on my shoulder. Her eyes were looking serious, staring straight into my eyes but remaining silent.

“It’s probably too early, but I’m genuinely concerned. I haven’t told you, but my auntie—my mother’s older sister—owns the apartment building where I live, and I live there rent-free. I still pay for household bills and food, so we can share the budget on that. At least you won’t be eating once a day anymore when you get carried away with your budget."

We stared at each other for the next second. The silence is quite deafening, and I can’t read Nozomi’s reaction at all. I don’t know if I offended her or hurt her ego. Maybe I’m treating her like a weak teenager who can’t fend for herself, but I genuinely care about the state of her life.

I understand the struggle of living alone with no one to rely on. At least for me, I’m living a comfortable life with the support of my family. Nozomi lives in solidarity and has no one else to support her. She mentioned her brothers before, but obviously they are currently out of the picture for whatever reason. She is striving for herself alone.

After an excruciating minute of silence, she breathes in and audibly breathes out. She closes her eyes and lets her head fall on my chest. It scared me for a second; I thought she collapsed.

“You’re always being unfair,” she says in a shaky voice, and her breathing is heavy and irregular.

Is she crying?

“I already gave you a full explanation. I’m not going to force you if you don’t want to. Also, we won’t be seeing each other often now. Somehow, that makes me feel uneasy."

“You’re still in university."

“You’re not a distraction."

“How about your family?”

“They don’t interfere with my personal life."

Her question strikes me quickly and hard. I asked her to live with me without considering the fact that, despite her brothers not being present in her life, I didn’t know their circumstances.

“Wait, if you agree—hypothetically—we need to tell your family, right? Otherwise, they might call the police and arrest me for kidnapping."

She grabs the side of my shirt and finally looks at me. Her eyes are glistening with tears, but she frowns at me.

“Are you taking it back now?”

Did I sound cowardly?

“That’s not what I mean. I just want to make sure."

“I can try to contact my brother, but I don’t know if I can get through. He’s always busy. Both of them are always busy. We’re both adults already, so I don’t think that’s a problem anyway."

She just agreed, didn’t she?

I stare at her, words stuck in my throat. I am happy. So happy to even say a single word. The way her lips curve up tells me that I don’t need to confirm it. Her face tells me what I need to hear. Her heart beating loudly tells me exactly how she feels.

I rub the tears from her cheeks and brush the hair dangling on her face. The next moment, my lips meet hers, and when I move back, I say, “I love you. In case I also haven’t told you,

Although I am certain that I confessed it to her during our vacation,

“You haven’t told me a lot of things, but that’s one thing that you’re not allowed to keep from me."

That is also the thing that is worth telling thousands, millions of times. I have never been more certain about any decision that I have ever made in my entire life.