Falling Failing

Falling is so easy.

You don't even do it. I fall. He falls. You fall. But it is not like they're doing it. It kinda just happens to you.

It's hard to think about falling being something someone would like, but it makes sense when you take into account that I have never really liked taking any decision.

My mom gave me a shitty name, so I use it. God gave me a good memory, so I go to some rich kids school on a scholarship. Something better than them gave me my best friend.

S is the person I admire the most. I can't imagine having to live without him leading the way. It's a bit embarrassing but we're actually childhood friends.

-

“Did you know? My mom told me that there's only two types of people, those taken care by thanatos, the god of death, and—”

“Thanatos? More like thanatoes.”

I laughed as I never had before. I suppose it's not that hard when you're getting ticked and also you're like, four. Ever since then I kinda just followed S around like a puppy. I was lucky my mom's bosses lived so nearby. I never really thanked her for it. But it's whatever now. I never really connected with her, or with anyone else for the matter. No one other than S.

-

“I'm sorry I keep accidentally stealing from you, I'll do it on purpose more often. I'll be better.”

“I need you to be worse,” he responded with a laugh.

-

I don't think I was ever the only one obsessed with him though, everyone in the school treated him like he was some sort of idol. Weirdos the lot of them. It makes sense when I do it because we're close friends, but they were just so weird about the whole thing.

S always did some ridiculous great entrance. Up on the second floor he would greet everyone. Sun rays would come through the skylight that illuminated the blocky building. When the light hit him like this it made my chest tight.

S got a new gaggle of starry eyed first years behind him after he started giving away all his old stuff. I remember it was a whole thing. It drove the teachers up the walls, but they never said a thing. Sometimes I wonder if his charisma was just that insane or if the dealings his parents had with school ran that deep.

-

“It can not hurt you. It is dead, and also about an inch long. You are going to be fine.”

“I don't entirely trust you to be this nice to me. Are you sure you didn't join forces with the roach?”

-

Another end of summer. Not a single night breeze to give me a breather.

There's some sad song with an upbeat tempo playing out tinny speakers from the neighbor's party that's gone on too late.

It's another day of staying in his huge empty house. Tonight I wasn't meant to stay out with S but, I couldn't say no. He has such an annoying way of talking that I can't help but bend to his will. He should be a lawyer when he gets older. I kinda want to say that to him in hopes it'll make him laugh. I shuffle a little from the floor.

A cry breaks the stale air.

He cries in the dead of night, and I pretend to be asleep because I don't know what to do.

-

“There's been a miscalculation, when we wrote'mine' in our cups, we should have probablyyy done our names instead.”

-

In summer days we were water creatures, it was impossible to tear me away from his parents' pool. It was one of such days, the first time he picked my brains about our future.

“Tell me about your dreams?”

“I want to be a lawyer,” after a pause I admitted,“I don't think I'll be able to afford college.”

“You should not worry about that!"

His laugh carved itself on my chest.

At the time I thought he meant he'd help me out with the costs. I sin of naiveté.

-

One night we snuck out, he led me to the beach nearby. For a singular queer moment I think he’s about to ask me to run away with him. He always talked about one day just leaving everything behind. Never coming back. I’m such a failure.

He talked about the future again then, as he was taking off his one pair of shoes after his latest giveaway.

The conversation plays again and again in my mind twisting and changing but is overall like this:

“So, we’re killing ourselves in the sea!”

And I’d be confused, and he’d be confused and he’d summon the thought of Thanatos again and say it’s our destiny and why we met.

But I don’t think I’d ever adored anything other than my best friend.

So I followed him, but I didn’t. It’s all messed up in my head. He looked impossibly young. When I say that he said he wanted to die pretty and leave an attractive body to mourn. But when they found him, they said his body was bloated beyond recognition and surely he’d know that no? S had it all figured it out. He’s the smartest person I’ve ever met.

He drowned I think. I don’t know. I felt sick and left. I don’t know what happened. I picked up his shoes and didn’t look back. I know I should have called someone and maybe they would have found his– him. Find him earlier. I failed him then but it’s all going to be okay soon.

-

A week of grief took me, my greasy hair, unchanged clothes and his uncreased shoes to a blocky building. Moonlight seeps in the skylight, beckoning me upwards. When I reached the top, I took off his shoes and took my path down violently fast.

It hurts.

There's wailing.

I’m a failure.