Philautia: Self Love

In the early years, her life seemed so well and sweet. Wrapped into a bow, the world graced her with nothing but a silver platter of everything she desired. The applauding cheers and joyous remarks stained her mind with desire and ego. But once someone reached their peak, where else could they go but down?

From the top A student to the lazy slacker at work, the socializer to the barely social, the great to the hardly recognizable. That was how she viewed herself, the fool that she was with nothing special to show.

How much she missed those days, when people clamored for her attention, praised her every movement. She had never desired something more than to be that little version of herself she adored so much. The sweet innocent smile she wished to replicate solely for the attention and worth it gave her.

But unbeknownst to her, her Angel of Death called for her with that same innocent smile.

Those who were ruled by the desire for death—Thanatos itself—had stories circulate that they could see Thanatos in the form of their loved ones. But she had never expected to meet ‘her’.

The form of her younger self.

It stood right in front of her, wearing an innocent smile. Its sweetness laced its joyful voice—but the things it said were chilling.

"Let's go. You don't have any reason to be here anymore."

"What?"

"You're useless now, haven't you realized?"

For so long, she struggled to cope with the voice of her younger self. On the train, at her work, sat right beside her bed; the form of it would never leave her. Whenever it could, it would whisper at her to answer the call of death. Whenever she'd ask why, it would reply with the same words: "You're just useless."

It was never-ending. And for a while, she truly did consider it.

The days were getting exhausting and repetitive. The same routine, the same words, the same loneliness—it was no different to her. Her shoulders grew heavy by the day and her eyes struggled to stay awake. For once, she didn't go to work.

Instead, she sought the comfort of the rooftops. Sitting by the edge, tears trickled down her eyes as her innocent self sat right beside her. The sweet hums were sickening, a sick twisted joke on her downfall.

She choked: "I'm tired of this."

"Really? Then you should go. You're not doing enough after all."

Maybe, just maybe. That was all she could think of, but the words never left her mouth. Her ego was too big to admit the Angel of Death was right. Why would it be right? She knew there had to be something more for her, right?

The more she thought about it, the more the desire became imminent. The passing cars beneath her blurred into a single line, the lights shone into a dizzy dysphoria, and the ground just a little closer to her feet. Her senses felt numb as she leaned forward, inching closer and closer.

Until a hand grabbed her shoulder, pulling her back against the rough cement roof.

Coming back to reality, her eyes snapped open, finding a young man hovering over her. His chest rose up and down as he heaved in a deep breath, finally relaxing his shoulder to bear a reassuring smile. The action left her confused, furrowing her brows to make sense of his behavior. He had ran to stop her—or even save her; the only thing she could ask was:

"Why?"

The man froze in his tracks, almost stifling an awkward laugh from her question. With a step back, he stretched his hand out towards her; he bore a delighted smile, one that invoked a strange feeling in her chest; something in her boiled with anger or even jealousy geared at that look on his face.

"Why not? You're alive still, right?"

"...What if I didn't want to be?"

Raising a brow, the man remained dead silent in reply—but not from shock; the way his face twisted to curiosity, a wonder-like expression that she could only see as intrigue. Rather than replying, he knelt down to meet her face. There, he wore an innocent smile, once more laughing at her question.

"Then I'll help you want to live."

Those words melted her jealousy away, leaving behind only the desire to wield that same smile he bore. It was difficult to grasp his ideology. How could he want to live in a world that felt subpar? When she had nothing to live for? But the way he smiled, it felt welcoming. The warmth that radiated from his hand drew her in and she took it.

The moment she did was the landmark of a change. The days of solitude changed with every call he made. The days of boredom changed with every smile he gave. The days of unworthiness changed with just one person. She never recognized how bright the sun shone every morning nor how the birds sang a sweet song when the day began; new things came to her newborn eyes that felt revolutionary.

 And when she didn’t find the courage to move another step, he came to lift her burdens and tell her one simple thing: “I love the current you and the you who you’ll become.”

 The world is split into two, those ruled by Eros and those ruled by Thanatos. But no one knows of the possibilities that could come. No one knew that they could bid farewell to their Angel of Death.

 And that’s what she did.