Waltz With Ownself
It hasn't been long since I've turned 18 but why is it that I find this world darker than ever? It only took less than a minute to turn everything upside down and I still could hear the bell ringing in my ear along with the voices that echoed in my mind,
"Why wasn't this child aborted? What a pity!" - The daily whispers of the neighbors.
"We are buddies so please help me out,"- The words of my best friend.
"Hold him tight, make sure he doesn't struggle!"- Loud voices of some boys from my school, some familiar, some I've never met.
My dear best friend and my dear family, are they blind to what I'm seeing? Are they deaf to what I'm hearing?
Oh right! They were having a warm party in the house that I prepared just for them. The party fire has separated them from me so it can turn them to dust.
On my 18th birthday, my drunk, intoxicated parents finally cast me aside and went to their own lives.
"Die or live on streets, up to you. I can't pay for another life"- Was what my mother said.
And the door was closed in my father's house. It wasn't a surprise since I- a child born from a mistake was always an obstacle to them since the beginning. And the boys at school seemed to value my best friend who had given me up to them for experiments. It was sickening to keep up with all the touches in places I could hardly imagine, but I had managed to live through the day.
And now I am with you, my dear diary, considering about what 'next' means at this point.
I thought being 18 would be the most joyous thing in life. Or is it that I still haven't learned what true joy means? Perhaps it is joy, I just couldn't recognize it.
Though it is dark and silent in here, there is something building up within me. As if I'm calling to something to be awakened inside of me. What is it?
But my dear diary,
All of a sudden I'm feeling someone's presence behind me. It's comforting yet I'm afraid to gaze at them.
"Are you frightened now?"
They asked me from behind. The voice was soothing to hear yet it sent shivers through my body. It was mid-Autumn yet the night air was chilly.
"Why would I be frightened?"
I asked without looking at them. Instead of an answer, I heard a chuckle.
"Well, you will soon."
They made me confused, why should I be afraid? But I didn't feel like asking them.
"Are you ready?"
I heard another chuckle that filled the air and this time I turned my eyes to meet their eyes but what? It was..me?
No, they looked like me but entirely different. They stepped out of the shadows with a grin on their face. It was as if I was staring at my modified reflection. It was me but a stronger version of me.
"Ready or not, you've already chosen the end."
The words echoed around me, I had chosen the end. End of what?
Now that I noticed,
My dear diary,
Why are your pages scrambled and stained with red? Why are they empty? I thought I was writing to you.
Ah, how could I forget? I invited my dear best friend to a party at my previous house along with my parents, wrapped with plastic just to set it on fire. It was supposed to be a barbecue party for them since they were all gifted with two faces and loud voices. I kept hearing their screams throughout the streets but no one else heard them as they danced in the middle of the blazing fire I'd gifted them.
And dear diary,
After that, with you in my arms, I climbed on top of this building and then walked into nothingness without a single hesitation.
And here I am-- shattered and splattered, still holding you with my arms in the presence of death.
"Are you what they called Thanatos?"
Hearing my question, they stared at me, the smile wiped off their face,
"It is you. I am merely a reflection of your deadly desire that you called out for the sake of an end."
How tragic, dear dairy, after their reply everything was blank and silent, and I felt my last breath slipping out of my mouth. My mind was empty and it was peaceful. I didn't get the invitation from Thanatos, rather it was me who invited them.