A Sunset's Breeze

The red dew of the setting sun lit the blue horizon like a ball of flame in the winter night, its diminishing gleam lit the sky with speckles of golden warmth. Today was August 15th. Winter was slowly withdrawing. I leaned a little forward against the cool stoned fence of the Meganebashi bridge, feeling the harsh whips of wind that nipped at my skin. I watched the crashing waves of the water below, imagining myself engulfed, lost in the turbulence as the thrashing stream of the river pushed against me. The world was otherwise silent.

“Flowers?” came a giggle, “did you get them from your lover?”

A voice like silver chimes pulled me back from the depths. I turned to face the voice.

My eyes bored through the young man that stood behind me. He wore a thick white turtleneck and dark blue pants, with ebony eyes and hair he gave an aloof atmosphere around him. A light smile hung on his face. In the instance our eyes met, those deep dark eyes were so familiar,

Brother…

My icicle-like fingers I had wrapped around the bouquet of flowers itched.

Right, I purchased these. They were from the flower shop down the corner of the building from where he lived.

“No, I bought them.”

“I see.”

I could see him fidget slightly, unsure, really, of what to say. We never really talked…

As we grew older into our own worlds, silent walls drew between us. He turned to look at the two birds that nestled together up in the branches. The birds had vibrant feathers like living flames flickering amidst the muted canvas of white.

“They’re cardinals.”

“Sorry?”

“The birds.”

“Oh.”

“They call them messengers, did you know that? ”

“Mmm.”

Of course I knew that. We both knew I knew.

It was a hobby of ours, birdwatching, when we were little we shared many hobbies and this was one where we would spend hours learning, identifying, and exploring the beauty of these innate creatures. He kept his eyes on the soft velvet ball of feathers, watching the two birds snuggle against each other as they were shrouded by a blanket of white, their beady eyes watching the world continue on.

I felt my heart prick at the awkwardness of the attempted conversations we were having. It was irritating. Was it always like this? So dry, so distant? No. I remembered a time when we were kids, we had longer conversations, ones where we would squabble on and on, about meaningless things, about important things, about dreams, about our daily activities, and about little stories we’d picked up from time to time.

As he withdrew his eyes from the feathered birds, he told me, “I think I should go.”

“Why, why are you trying to leave again?”

Please don’t leave.

He always does this, he shows up without consideration of others, through a message, a call or in person, and then as abruptly as he came he attempts to leave. I could never understand his desires, his longings.

“Everytime, you tell me you want to go. To leave. Why can’t you just stay, stay here with me?”

If you leave, I’d be so lonely.

“It’s too much. She offered me an escape from the frustration of this world. If I go with her I can find it.”

I felt as if a surge of water rushed in, filling my nostrils, mouth and lungs, preventing me from continuing with this.

What are you searching for?

“I’m sorry,” he looks back at the birds.

“Don’t say that.”

I won’t accept it.

***

It was a Winter evening. The sun sets behind the horizon as the sky dances with the fusion of crimson reds and golden yellows, seamlessly blending into the serenity of the night. High upon the trees were two red cardinals observing the boy that stood on the Meganebashi bridge. The soft breeze swept past the boy bringing along the scent of lilies.

“Don’t say that,” the boy grimaced, he did not want to accept the departure of his brother, however there was nothing he could do to prevent it. To be more accurate, he had done nothing to prevent it. He had let him slip away.

As the brother watched the fiery feathered birds, he told the boy in a mellow voice,“I promised her I would go with her. I’ve held back far too long. To my Thanatos.”

The boy shifted his gaze away from his brother, he could not stand the look of those eyes, they were like deep onyx pools filled with contentment. At some point the bouquet of lilies had slipped from the boy’s grip. It’s soft white petals scattered and crushed by the fall.

“And its been two years since. I’m happy where I am,” the brother looks into the eyes of the boy,” and its time for you to let go.”

The cardinals fluffed its feathers and leapt from the branches of the tree, together they flocked towards the sunset. However there was only ever one cardinal. It adorned its bright red wings, the blazing wings of a single red cardinal.

The bridge was silent, the boy had stood there alone, there was no one else but the boy on the bridge, from start to finish he had been alone.

Only the soft sunset breeze could be felt as it carried the faded scent of lilies.

The boy pulled his phone out and opened the LINE app. He clicked on his brother’s account.

His last message stared up at him from the screen;

“Goodbye.”
15 August, 2019

The boy’s head was submerged underwater. He was breathing fine, yet the crashing waves drowned his silent screams. Cries of agony and denial. The river below kept flowing, the water always moving on. Time and time again he felt suffocated, lost, unable to forgive. Yet, deep down, in his depths, he knew.

What had occurred couldn’t be changed.

It was time to say goodbye.