When I met his eyes

First time region, first time job. Everything was first, and worst.

As everyone knows, working life is hard. Of course, I expected that worse life than I ever thought can arrive. The boss nitpicks about unreasonable things, and the heavy workload doesn’t allow even think of taking a break. Every day, under my feet was black. If it was a little out of place, I would fall off into the endless dark. The reality was darker than I expected.

After work, my home, the apartment, was always calm. It was so quiet. "Even if you die, no one will care about you", the silence always whispered to me.

Round, cute, and twinkling. Those were the words that always described my eyes. At some point, I felt myself that the twinkle had faded away from my eyes. I gradually neglected myself. I didn't brush my hair. I skipped meals because I was in pain just by chewing and swallowing any food. I thought it would be nice if I can't open my eyes tomorrow.

Those were the days. And it was just the day.

It was one moment that an intense color that I had never been seen before appeared in my gray world. It was someone in the same job. Like everyone else, he looked achromatic. There was no fateful event. It was just a few seconds that I met his eyes.

Endlessly deep, but full of emptiness. Empty, but no room for love. Those are the words that describe his eyes. Endless depth in his eyes would devour any love, even without a single trace, as if such a thing didn't even exist in the first place.

The eyes were the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. I felt a sense of homogeneity in those eyes, and I fell in love with his eyes.

Nothing was matter at first. When I found out that he and I lived in the same apartment, I thought that my whole gloomy life had been existed for this blessing. A single fact that he and I existed in the same place made me feel my whole room warm though it was cold and quiet as always. There was a day when I got off work with him on the same train. No matter how crowded the train was, he always stood out in vivid colors. I also found out that he had a habit of going on the roof of the apartment, every evening right after work. Of course, I didn't even think about trying something terrible like stalking. I dared be careful not to even put me on the end of his empty gaze. I just went up to the roof quietly once in a while so that I wouldn't run into him. And I found that the evening breeze from the roof of the apartment felt pretty good. I used to feel him in the wind.

That was it.

That was fine

I thought that was fine.

***

Slowly, I wished to be loved by the person I love. I firmly believed that the person who would lift me out of this darkness would be him. I thought he might be thinking the same way as me. I always observed his eyes, expecting that there might be something in his eyes looking at me at some point.

But the eyes I fell in love were still there. It was hard to face the fact that I was at the end of his empty gaze without any emotion. The gaze even did not stay with me more than few seconds.

'I love you, but why don’t you even look at me.'

***

I couldn't sleep that night when I faced his empty eyes. I went up to the roof of the apartment. This time, it wasn't for getting some fresh air. It also wasn’t for running into him.

If it's a life that I won't be sad even if there's no tomorrow,

If I could have been born to be loved by him,

If it's not too late..

It was just this idea.

There was no one on the roof. I slowly approached the railing. Soon, the scenery I always saw on the roof spread out, but the view went a bit higher by the height of the railing.

I hesitated a while, but when his empty eyes brushed my heart again, I missed my step at the moment.

No, I didn't miss it, I went up to the roof for this in the first place.

'The soft night breeze could feel like a storm.' I thought.

I felt that he might be hugging me from behind. I know it was a stupid thought. But it was the same air with the breeze which I felt him, so I couldn’t help myself thinking about him even it was the last scene of my life.

When I felt with a slow rush of pain and a dampening feel, I knew that he had not been hugging me.

The moment when my eyes became clouded, I heard a voice faintly in my ear.

"You want him to look at you, right? I will give you a chance."

'…..'

"I know, He has an attractive soul. I feel it same with you. I will make him look at you, no, even love you as you wished. As a contract, bring me his attractive soul."

'…….'

I opened my eyes.

How long has it been since I felt this lightness of body and mind without any pain. I noticed what state I'm in when I stood up and saw the ground, since there was no shadow under my feet.

The sun was setting. Office worker would be heading home by now. And I know what I have to do. I went onto the roof of the apartment once again without hesitation. I stood on the railing again, and when I was looking at the same view as I saw this dawn...

"Hold on!"

A familiar voice behind my back, which I’ve heard and thought a lot.

I looked back, trying not to smile.

There he was.

His eyes at me were full of fear.

His eyes looking at me were filled with something, not a void.

I love you. Actually, I live for you. Shall we go together now.