The Reaper Behind Me

There is a reaper that hangs over my shoulders. She smells like miso and sun dried laundry. She calls me by a nickname I haven’t been called in years by anyone else, and knows just the right things to say to me when ennui grips hold of me. She’s a pleasant presence, and also the reason I found myself taking a step too far off of a train station's edge.

“You idiot!” A girl’s voice screamed from behind me in the night. Soft hands yanked me from behind, throwing me to the station floor as tons of steel flew by. “The God of Death isn’t real!” She screamed. I looked up at my unwanted savior and saw a girl I knew well. Tears were streaming down her face. How did she know I’d be here? I wondered.

She was the club president of the Thanatos Support Group in our school, though a week from now we’d both be graduating. I was the only member of the club, without us it would cease to exist. “She wants me to join her, I can’t ignore it anymore.” I spoke in a pathetic whisper.

Those ruled by Thanatos all desire to reach the other side, and those ruled by Eros share a desire for life. I was the former. The reaper that followed me like it does so few others had a face identical to my late mother’s. The God of Death always looked like the thing you desired most.

“That’s not your mother, how many times do I have to say it!?” She yelled at me, tugging on my arm to pull me up. She didn’t let go of my hand, as if I were a bird that would fly away given the chance.

“As if you could understand!” I snapped back. “You can’t see her, but she’s real, she has to be!” She never told anyone upfront, but she had to be ruled by Eros. Someone like that couldn’t possibly understand. Her constant optimism, her infectious smile, like a jug of sugar dumped in my stomach it made me sick. Self-satisfaction could only be why she did this. The grip on my hand only tightened, her eyes bore a hole into my soul.

“Do you hate living that much? Do you hate me?” She spoke clearly, as if she’d wanted to ask this for a long time. I narrowed my eyes at her, confused.

“This isn’t about you!” I shot back and yanked my hand up in an attempt to free it from her grasp. As her arm moved up her sleeve was pulled down, revealing a scar on her wrist. She let go of my hand and pulled the sleeve back. “What… is that?” I already knew what it was, a vertical scar running down her arm. It was too straight to be an accident, there was only one reason he could think of. “Are you?...”

“Don’t say it…” She shook her head. “Thanatos this, Eros that, I’m sick of it. Everyone thinks they have no control, but that’s wrong. Humans are a little more complicated than that, you know?” She spoke, her usually cheerful tone jagged as if it had been dragged through sandpaper. I wasn’t sure what to say. For three years I’d assumed she was ruled by Eros, how else could she be so full of joy?

“So the club, that wasn’t just you trying to be a goodie goodie?” Something came over me as a smile spread on my face. I grabbed her by the shoulders with sweaty palms. “S-so you can see her, right!?” I asked frantically. Finally someone could understand! But if she understood, why was she trying to stop me? Why did she continue to deny it?”

She looked up at me, she was smiling. But something was wrong. This wasn’t the smile I was used to, it was a smile of barely contained derangement. “You still don’t get it?” Her voice was like quicksand, rough but with an inescapable charm. Her arms wrapped around me like a vicegrip, since when was she so strong? “I didn’t create the club out of the goodness of my heart. In fact I had to waste so much time making sure you and I were the only ones in it.”

I felt a stone drop in my stomach, I did think it was odd that in three years not a single person had joined the club. “But why, I don’t-”

“Shhh, I used to see a God of Death, I even tried to follow them to the other side and failed. But then I met you. What do you think happens when the thing you desire most is right in front of you? A desire so strong not even a God could compare.” She ran a hand through my hair, my spine shivered.

It was at this point that I heard sirens, it was the police. “They’re finally here. Took them long enough. The conductor must have called them. The cameras in the station must have captured your little attempt too.” She let out a disturbing giggle as she looked up at me with beaming eyes. “But don’t worry, I’ll always be here for you. I’ll explain everything. They won’t take you from me, and more than anything else…” She leaned in close to me, I could feel her breath on my neck.

“I won’t ever ever ever let you die.”